How can I write a respectful eulogy about my mom when she was narcissistic when I was young?

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How can I write a respectful eulogy about my mom when she was narcissistic when I was young?

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I’ve been hesitating to say this for so long that the funeral is probably over — but do you have to be a speaker at her funeral? It’s OK to decline. Or - maybe one quick “fun fact” or anecdote, then transition to a favorite (yours or hers) poem or passage from the Bible?

Just curious: I’ve been to more funerals without eulogies than with them. Is my experience unusual??

(It never crossed my mind to give a eulogy at my mother’s funeral - or to drum up someone else to deliver one.)

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Maybe you can just say ... i loved her ... and thats all ???

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You must not upset your father . I understand you feel you can't say various stuff but, can nobody else say it. Otherwise you need to say things from how she was. Nobody knows what problems your mum may or may not have had. You can't add loving thoughts you don't . Maybe you can talk about your mum and dad. Good luck

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Don't write her eulogy. Ask someone else who has something kind to say. Maybe a sibling, cousin, friend or neighbor. Let her passing and your painful memories go in peace. What's done, is done. You can't un-ring a bell.

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I feel the same. I can't ever find a birthday card for my mom, I can't find the feelings inside me. I bought a Funny b-day for her . I think about what I would say at my mother's funeral all the time. My 3 adult daughter's feel the same ,and even one of my grandkids now. How sad for my mother to have many people feel bad about her, and it is getting worse each year.

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Your childhood left you wounded and that trauma sounds significant enough to need address. A eulogy at a funeral may be a place for you to feel some closure but maybe do it in a way that gives your pain voice known only to you but allows others Their memories and peace. You may need to forgive her to begin your healing.

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Good advice you've given!

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I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother and the frustration you're experiencing in writing her eulogy. I would suggest that you sit down and make a list of the "good" qualities and memories (there are bound to be some)? Maybe she was a good cook, or maybe she was a good housekeeper, or maybe she made sure your needs were met and saw to it that you were clean and well dressed. I can't relate to your emotions, but I know you don't want to get up and drag her memory through the mud. You wouldn't have asked this question if you did. You can be honest without being harsh. For instance, "She wasn't a gentle or loving Mother, but she saw to it we learned values and to respect other people." Maybe she made you laugh or you found humor in some of her idiosyncrasies.

I pray that you and your sibling will find the strength to let go of the pain and find solace in the love you have for one another. Happy New Year to you and your family.

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Thank for your answer here. It has been very helpful for me. And I am sure you have helped nature73

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Being somewhat narcissistic myself (at least according to my daughter) I have written my own notice for the newspapers, and discussed service with my minister. I really don't like the idea of family members giving eulogies. When my Episcopalian mother died, there was a set service and no one gave any personal comments. When my (2nd) husband died, I did not speak, nor did his sister or his two sons--although I suppose they would have if I had asked them.

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I agree that what you have is sufficient- if you feel you must add something- “She was -so we could be”. Right, wrong or indifferent- she got pregnant- carried the two of you to full term (no abortion) saw that you grew up to become adults- so that is it - if she had not existed you would not be here to worry about what to write. If you have children, hope they will not endure the same problem. Blessings.

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Try sticking to the facts of her life rather than your reaction to it. My mother lived through some very challenging times as she had seven children in less than 10 years. At her memorial I gave a short speech that was more a history of her life and not quite a eulogy.

Perhaps you can ask one of her friends or her pastor to say a few kind words if you can't.

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There were likely some people who didn't know the real her and seemed to love her dearly. You could talk about the childhood events and then describe the the deep feelings some felt for her--in other words, finesse it.

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Your eulogy about anything but the truth would be inappropriate. My suggestion is that you focus on her life contributions (not just family) and how she grew, changed, etc over the years to become a better person. Focus on values you may have learned from her (whether by example or by learning of how NOT to live) and express your gratitude. Humor works well in these kind of situations..., ie, showing one’s flaws along with their strengths. I’ve been to funerals where their was laughter about human foibles and traits that were often particularly recognizable to everyone.

Ultimately, most people aren’t all bad so pick the better things and keep it simple if you have to so you can show respect for her as the woman who brought you into the world and raised you. Just tell the truth while using discernment in your choice of what to highlight. Best of luck and my condolences for your loss.

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Telling the truth may make people look at themselves to see if they are doing the same thing. The movie "I Can Only Imagine" depicts a "monster" of a father who changed after accepting Christ. Usually, in these cases, only biographical facts are given and then the pastor goes into a sermon. Why should you give a eulogy at all? Also, why not just have a brief graveside service?

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Start with: My mother did the best she could . . . . . .

None of us pop out with an instruction manual. Your mother might have had an undiagnosed mental disease - and she could have simply been so disappointed with her life that it leached the life out of her.

Romance novels have a Knight in Shining Armour riding up on a White Steed to take us to the land of everlasting joy.

Reality is not like that. How many marriages are truly made in heaven?!

Please do not say things you will regret later on. Ask for assistance in writing the eulogy.

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Agree with no need to sugar coat things. I am prepy. Every time I try to sugar coat things, later on I physically feel ill...

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Sounds like you did a good job writing about growing up in a large farm family, including anecdotes of amusing things...quite frankly this is all you need. That is a respectful eulogy...no need to sugar coat anything about her...or bring up the past. How long is your eulogy? When my father died we were only allowed a page and 1/2 said in 15 to 30 minutes in our catholic church.

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Nature73, I always found it difficult to pick out Mother’s Day cards. I had to carefully read all the text to avoid saying what I did not feel. After a bit, I would find something appropriate. Take a look through the greeting card section to get some ideas that might work for you and the unique relationship you have with your mom.

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I, too, have long struggled with Mother's Day cards, birthday cards, etc. My solution has been humorous cards. I'm trying to imagine how that would work for a eulogy. LOL

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John Malkovich the actor had a good line in a movie we rented the other night. He said "my ex wife said she didn't fear going to hell anymore cause she figured it couldn't be any worse than living with me had been"

I thought that would be a good line in someone's eulogy.

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What you have done sounds fine. My mother was great, but we still didn't go for slop about how fantastic she was. She wasn't into slop. If you feel that the audience will expect it, make it about the future -how the love of heaven will support her for eternity in the memories of everyone she knew. Meaningless, but it sounds good. Don't write something that makes you squirm.

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Well put, Margaret. 😃

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There is a way of saying what your saying without saying it. we are at our best when we choose to take the high road. Choose the best road. it is not about you. This is her death ; she was a very imperfect mother and woman. I hate hearing myself say bad things about my mother and i know that she did her best even when she failed completely as a mother. I did not walk in her shoes. I was a really horrible teenager. I put her through hell. She never held it over my head.
You can leave out anything that casts a resentment on the past. That is not the time for that to happen. You will hate yourself if your ruin it for others.

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I’m sorry for your loss. Sounds like what you have so far will be fine, I’d skip adding more about the time periods that you don’t have good memories of. Perhaps include something from later years when you describe her as more mellow. Eulogies focus on the good in a persons life, sometimes challenging though...

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It sounds as if you have already written an adequate eulogy. When it is difficult to sugar coat things, why do it? If you stick to the facts and talk about the things she was interested in , hobbies, work, family history....your job is done. If you want to add more, tell the people assembled there something positive or inspirational about life moving forward.

Is there a passage of scripture or a poem that brings you peace, hope, or even forgiveness? That is what I we did at our father's funeral. Sorry for your loss, but now is time to heal your own soul. Best to you!

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How can I write a respectful eulogy about my mom when she was narcissistic when I was young?

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