She has lied and covered up for over 50 years. We have tried almost everything short of taking her money and that would require a POA. If we let her have access to Dad’s money they would lose everything. We have paid the bills with his money for 20 years. He is dying and she will not have enough to live on once his SS is gone. Please help.
CWillie has good advice to get any funds possible in long term investments before her husband dies.
Since he is dying and no one has POA that might be a high order. Give us some feedback so we can give better answers.
CTNN is raising a very important issue. What will the loss of all her funds mean to you? What are your personal concerns?
Regardless of whether she is your mom or mil, an addict can’t be controlled easily.
You have 50 years of proof. You will only be kicking the can down the road to allow her into your home or supplement her income if that’s the plan.
Don’t concede one dime. Stand firm. Her promises are no good. Her understanding is in the moment. The chemicals that drive her aren’t under her control when she’s on automatic.
Insist on counseling to even have her in your life. Have your name on a release form for all medical.
She has to have consequences and alternatives that work for her and the extended family. She will manipulate you if she is allowed. You know this. Attending Al Anon meetings could help you develop healthy boundaries.
Gambling, shopping, hoarding, drugs, alcohol, religion, exercising, dieting, tattoos, sugar, carbs, sex, plastic surgery, even working can be an addiction. Of course there are many more things to become addicted to. Some might say her husband was addicted to the drama she creates. Careful you don’t take his place. There are people who will steal books or art because their desires are so out of control. We all find ways to justify our addictions. The news, our phones or computers are addicting. Games, tv shows. Some even aspire to be listed in the Guinness book of world records they are so proud of their addictions. Sometimes we call it our passion. We are seeking a fix. A way to feel alive. A normalcy. If you can help her replace gambling with another, less harmful, addiction that would be great. Yes it is a mental illness as it interferes with her ability to live a “normal” life. However, until she creates some terrible crisis you won’t be able to use the law to intervene. If you were to file for guardianship, I’m not sure you would be granted it. She is an adult with the right to spend her money as she chooses. We aren’t much on prevention with legal solutions.
So you have to be prepared. Never bail her out of any situation without getting something in return. Something legal. Nailed down. Not empty promises. An example might be she signs a DPOA. She makes someone her representative payee for her SS check and accepts what they give her to spend. She attends therapy. Its a lot of work for you.
The very first hint of noncompliance requires consequences. No games. No pretending she doesn’t have this problem.
Another poster discovered there was no food in the house because her mom was gambling all her money away. When the daughter had food delivered she was upset because she preferred the cash so she could gamble it.
You aren’t alone with this problem. Protect your own family. If she can’t pay her bills there are women’s shelters. Take her for a tour. She needs to know you are not a resource to feed her addiction.
Sooner or later her health will fail and she will be eligible for a Medicaid bed in a facility. The period of time between then and now is what has to be managed.
I’m sorry your dad is so ill. Hopefully he is able and willing to help you. I’m also sorry there is no quick fix or easy way out.
Remember that although she won’t have his SS check to help pay her bills, she will get an increase in her SS check after his death. Let us know how things are going. We learn from one another.
Here's what I see is a big concern...when she is not able to take care of herself and won't have enough to live on once your fil's SS is gone, is your husband going to expect that she come live with you? How would you feel about THAT?