I'm losing control over my own life, trying to manage my parents' increasing needs.
I'm too exhausted to go into extensive detail, but I am an only child, there's been no planning and things seem to have shifted quickly. I am the sole caregiver, but didn't even realize there was a name for taking care of aging parents until recently.
I started posting recently. Since then, I've gotten into a car accident, been late for jobs, lost important things like second set of car keys... in a month I have two traffic tickets- none previously!! I'm afraid of what will happen next.
I can't just abandon my parents and take a "respite". I'm barely paying my rent. I can't take time from working, I'm an independent contractor and now I have car repairs and traffic fines in addition to my ongoing financial problems...
I've contacted my Area on Aging, it ended up being more wasted time that I don't have to spare.
How do I cope? How do I reign it all in? I'm desperate.
I've had such terrible experiences in the past when attempting to help my parents, that avoiding conflict has been part of how I've been able to cope. I've been appeasing their demands to keep the peace until realizing recently that their needs are increasing and it's just going to get harder going forward.
In the last week or two, I tried a new approach. I've finally been trying to calmly and firmly tell them that they aren't being realistic and that we need to make some changes and citing examples.
I said that I need their cooperation in order to help them. Each time I've seen them I've been stating specific things tried to explain, as simply as possible, without accusation, how they are not seeing reality.
I have pushed my mom to listen and haven't been letting her off the hook when she claims I am making her anxious and she "can't do this now".
I've been trying to ignore their antics when they act ridiculous.
I even asked my stepfather if he really thought I was just asking him to do simple things repeatedly (hundreds of times) just to annoy him. I tried to get him to understand that if he truly thought I had time or energy to just nag about silly things, that I had to question his mental capacity and to please try to understand the reality of the things that I am asking.
That was three days ago. I left without waiting for their reaction or response.
I've not spoken to them since. I'm feeling guilty. I've been trying to give myself a break and not worry. I'm nervous about what could happen next, but too tired to try to control whatever the outcome is.
We support you.
What helps me is exactly what you said was lacking — planning. I batch all errands and chores like groceries, cleaning, etc. so that they don’t take too much time. I also set boundaries. Elderly parents can be demanding, wanting to do things NOW. But if it’s not an emergency, stay firm with your schedule so that you can properly manage your time. Let them know when you would be available to do whatever it is they are demanding.
Take time out for at least an hour each week for some alone time. Even if it’s just hanging out in a coffee shop with a book. You need it for your sanity!