Between my son and me, we have cared for my mother for 13 years. I alone have been caring for her 11 years. Last weekend my brother and his wife came to visit my mother. I started to vent about taking full 24/7 care for her. Tears were flowing from my eyes while I took out my frustrations. On top of caring for my mother, I am babysitting my 8 year old grand daughter until school starts. I am at my boiling point overwhelmed with too much stress.
When I mention a nursing facility to my mother, she tells me I'm throwing her away. Then my temper festers and I say hateful things. Like why can't my brother and wife take on some responsibility? She does not like my brother's wife and refuses to visit them. I don't know how my brother thinks I can handle everything with my many health problems. They are well off financially and have 3 empty bedrooms in their home. I tried to remain neutral and calm but since they have left, I am miserable.
I have anxiety and major clinical depression as well as dealing with pain management issues with my back and being isolated in a small apartment has been very challenging. My brother makes up excuses and always uses the same argument that the drive is too long and difficult to do. I think I have more than paid my dues to my mother and that she should be more compliant with my desire to place her in a good facility. I try to be kind to my sibling but now I wish I could just drop her off on his door step and give him the opportunity to spend time helping her as I have been doing. I really don't know what to do as I have been crying uncontrollably since they left to return to their home.
I think you are stuck on all the , "whys?"
That is a recording in your head.
Time to change what questions your riddles with...
I noticed you saying, I have no one to help me begin the process..
Lets start one thing at a time..
#1-does she qualify for Medicaid?
#2- are you capable of filling out the paperwork if its needed? (Or making appt with COUNTY SRVCS.)
CINDY
It's only been a few months for us, not 13 years like you, and we are discussing putting him in a NH because we all live a distance apart. I have to stay with him in his apartment becauae he a wanderer and it's dangerous for him with his dementia.
So I salute you, you have done your Best and I agree with the other answers; for your own good it's time for a NH.
It's Time for your Healing & Decompression.
God Bless You!
Suppose your brother and his wife had walked in and that was your cue to walk out of your front door, get in your car, and go for a week to a health spa for massage and a pedicure and long, lovely sleep?
You'd have slept all the better, with a beaming smile on your face, for thinking of two grown adults trying to cope with everything you have on your hands every day.
Right, snapping out of it - it's the "you're throwing me away" baloney you need to tackle. Not your brother's head in the sand approach, not the personality clash between your mother and your SIL, not the "what's WRONG with me for feeling like this?" issue.
You are in shreds because you are doing, in fact, not one person's but roughly five people's work (counting half for eight year old). It has to change.
Back later, hugs to you meanwhile.
One of your burdens will be gone since school starts soon. Why would your child ask you to take care of an 8yr old knowing your fustrations with caring for your mother already?
I understand that your son helps but he should put his child in a summer camp since youre already overwhelmed.
If you think you should place your mother in some type of home do it. Do your Mom stay with you or do you stay with your Mom?
If the only reason why your Mom dont want to go stay with your brother is not liking his wife oh well shell get over it for 2-3 weeks while you recoup.
The only other thing that you can do is vent and get over it.....take care...
Peace and blessings.
Until this moment, I didn't even consider that such social services existed. Great contribution. :)
I feel for you, It is hard. Keep talking to her and if it gets to th point wher you cannot go on because of your own Mental stability, Mom will have to understand, won't she? The doctor can arrange for someone from an Aged Care place to Interview her and to help weigh those options for You and Mom...Consider it.
I highly doubt it. Your mother needs to go to a nursing home and that's that. If you got hit by a bus tomorrow what do you think your brother would do...I'm guessing put her in nursing home. As for your son, he doesn't get to make the decisions....you do. You either chose to live with the situation til she dies or you do what you know you should do for your own health and mental well-being.
You are not selfish, it's called self preservation.
You are not selfish for living your life.
You are not selfish for putting yourself first!
Those 3 sentences need to be said by every caregiver. It helps you take your power back in your own life so the guilt doesn't over rule you. (My therapist taught me that and it works and helps)
All of us caregivers on here have had to seriously consider our options and no they definitely aren't easy ones. My mum who lives with me knows that if she ends up in a wheelchair I can't lift her so she would have to go to nursing home, if she gets Alzheimer's she will be placed in nursing home. Do I like the idea of her being in a nursing home I'm 50/50 because of staff numbers & treatment. But I also know my mental health is more important and so is my health which both have deteriorated since her moving in with me. When the day comes for her to go to a nursing home it will be the hardest day in my life but I also know i can't keep up with her needs. All of my grandparents were put in nursing homes and she wasn't her mother's carer so I think I've well n truly done my time (16years so far). I am looking forward to having my life back all be it without her in my life which may sound harsh but I'm sure a few will agree that they have those thoughts to. I will be in a nursing home when I'm older, I don't have anyone else to take care of me as I have given up on relationships & career & have health issues and that's due to being her carer.
It won't be easy for you but definitely start looking at facilities now! The waiting list can be long unless she goes straight from hospital. You have to tell nurses and drs that you need her assessed as she isn't coming home. I live in Australia so it might be different where you live.
If your mum was 40 years younger I bet she wouldn't want to be this burden on her daughter's life & she would want her daughter to live her own life.
In a post in June, you wrote: "I'm doing this because i don't want my mother to be forgotten in a nursing home. There are still horror stories of elderly being left in soiled diapers, developing bedsores and so on that i wish to spare her from this type of indifference."
Do you still feel this way? Are you or are you not open to the idea of putting your mother in a NH?
If you expect your mother to move in with your brother, that is not going to happen. She doesn't want that, and I'm sure your brother doesn't, either. So you are not going to be able to force that issue.
Next, who has durable Power of Attorney for your mom? I'm hoping it's you. This is important if you want to get her admitted to a NH.
Is your brother on board with her going into a NH? If not, it doesn't matter. He's not the one with bad health and burnout.
Let your brother know a deadline by which you need your mom out. Make sure it is a reasonable amount of time. Ask him to help you with this. If he refuses, inform him that the plan goes forward whether he's on board or not, as you are done.
How you get your mom into a home if you don't have PoA or when she is resistant is another story. You may have to trick her into getting her there, with help from the facility and your son. If neither you nor your bro have PoA and your mom won't give it, you may need to seek guardianship. Please don't give up hope...it will get worse before it gets better but it will get better. Eat the elephant one bite at a time.
people will continue to walk all over you if you keep saying yes.
2
Pack up your mothers things. Call your brother and say you are done. That’s it. No discussion. Mean it. Let your brother solve this. Tell him she will be ready on a certain date and you will be having a break so please don’t be late coming to get her as she will be alone
It sound to me that you have allowed yourself to be used by family. It’s amazing how quickly they will find solutions
and don’t be bullied with the “we will never speak to you again” bulldust. So what. That only shows their true colours
It is time now to recognize you cannot do this any longer. First call goes to the bro. You will tell him you are very sorry, but you cannot continue in the care of y" our mother. Tell him that the subject is not open for argument or discussion. And you will now be moving forward for placement.
Next is Mom. You will tell her that you are very sorry but you cannot continue on and you will try to help her find the best place for her.
It won't be easy, any of it. It is territory you haven't traversed before. If your mother does for any reason require a hospitalization then you are able to at that time tell social workers on DAY ONE that Mom will not be coming home with you as you cannot physically or mentally care for her any longer. Do not listen to the platitudes of "We can make this work together" or "We can get you help" as they cannot get it and it will not work. Don't argue. Speak gently but clearly and do not move from your position.
As to why you took on the care ALSO of a child? I cannot begin to imagine. But, again, that was YOUR choice, and not to be blamed on someone for asking. The person who continuously takes on more than they can conceivably do is ALWAYS the one who gets asked.
You may need counselling to get set in your head how to proceed. A licensed Social Worker who counsels on life changes is best, because often enough the psychologist is some young Masters Degree person who passes out platitude such as "And what are you doing for yourSELF" like candies.
Your brother and his wife will not help. That is their choice. You cannot force them. Not to mention, your Mom does not like the wife...
I see as you have two choices:
Continue being miserable in the situation or change the situation. You need to refuse to help your Mom. Have her placed or get i home care.
You can control your life but you have to stop letting others control it.
If possible, I would look for help to get you some rest or a daily break. It's a tough situation but don't let your brothers behavior sour your life and/or disposition. Your grandchild (ren) don't need to lose you over this.
I hope this helps and that things can work out better for you. Hang in there and best of everything.
As for your mother, she will be fine, and don't let her guilt you, it is all manipulation. She doesn't care about your health, it is all about her. It is up to you to stand up and be counted!
You know that your brother and wife will not help. My brothers don’t lift a finger with me at home. My brother’s wife would never help out. Honestly, in all the years I have known her I have never even heard her speak about her own mother once, so why would I think she would care about mine? But that’s another story...
If you select one or two assisted living facilities that are a good fit for her you will have peace of mind just knowing that you have a back up plan. She does not have to accompany you for your initial visits to the facilities. You are just gathering information at this point.
I know you have said that she won’t agree on her own, perhaps not. You know your mom better than anyone else.
I suggest that you don’t present it as a question but rather in a precise statement. You do this by saying, “Mom, I have done all that I can for you. It is now time for you to be cared for by others. I have found a couple of facilities that I know will do an excellent job of caring for you. We will choose the one best suited to your needs. I have made arrangements for you to see your new living quarters. I will still be in your life by visiting you as often as I can.”
I think once she sees that she has no other options she will have to accept the inevitable. What else can she do?
My cousins were in this situation with my uncle. His daughters both worked full time and had their own needs like we all do.
My uncle said that he wanted a 24/7 365 nurse because he did not want to do an assisted living facility. My cousins told him, “Dad, 24/7 365 is a nursing home. We will find a place for you.” He adjusted.
They went to visit him at the nursing home regularly but the worry about his care was over. The heavy lifting on their part was over. He died at age 96. They have no regrets.
Now remember this, up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Now what? Who will step up to take of your Mom?
You probably will need to do like many of us had, wait for a medical issue, 911, hospital, rehab, then into Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. As now Mom will need a village to take care of her. A major fall was the only way my own Mom could be placed in long-term-care. My Dad, on the other hand, couldn't wait to sell his home and move to senior living. He loved it there :)
As for your brother not wanting to do caregiving.... it doesn't matter if he has 10 empty rooms or none. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, I know I wasn't but I did help with the logistical stuff which was exhausting enough for me. Who is your Mom's medical Power of Attorney and who is Mom's financial Power of Attorney?