How can I act cheerful when my brother and his wife visit and don't offer to help with my mother's care?

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How can I act cheerful when my brother and his wife visit and don't offer to help with my mother's care?

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Between my son and me, we have cared for my mother for 13 years. I alone have been caring for her 11 years. Last weekend my brother and his wife came to visit my mother. I started to vent about taking full 24/7 care for her. Tears were flowing from my eyes while I took out my frustrations. On top of caring for my mother, I am babysitting my 8 year old grand daughter until school starts. I am at my boiling point overwhelmed with too much stress.

When I mention a nursing facility to my mother, she tells me I'm throwing her away. Then my temper festers and I say hateful things. Like why can't my brother and wife take on some responsibility? She does not like my brother's wife and refuses to visit them. I don't know how my brother thinks I can handle everything with my many health problems. They are well off financially and have 3 empty bedrooms in their home. I tried to remain neutral and calm but since they have left, I am miserable.

I have anxiety and major clinical depression as well as dealing with pain management issues with my back and being isolated in a small apartment has been very challenging. My brother makes up excuses and always uses the same argument that the drive is too long and difficult to do. I think I have more than paid my dues to my mother and that she should be more compliant with my desire to place her in a good facility. I try to be kind to my sibling but now I wish I could just drop her off on his door step and give him the opportunity to spend time helping her as I have been doing. I really don't know what to do as I have been crying uncontrollably since they left to return to their home.

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elaine: So sorry to hear that. You're welcome. That is why I said that as I've seen it happen, e.g. the caregiver goes down if they aren't careful. Hope you're okay now and for some reason, I am just now seeing this.

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Brother & Wife only came to visit...not to do caregiving. You need a break desperately & fast . Your head is about to burst it’s so overwhelmed & can’t take it anymore. I know exactly how you feel & so do most people who are caregivers on this website. Don’t ask your mother’s permission to have her placed in a facility. Take charge & make a plan to change direction. You can take her out to lunch & then drive to facility...you can tour some facilities & talk to admissions director....get the ball rolling. There’s another way ...don’t expect sibling to help. He won’t . These parents of ours have outlived the usefulness of their bodies & especially their brains . It’s not fair that they should suffer & because they’re so miserable, want company...like the expression...misery loves company! Please make a New Year’s resolution to change...make a better life for yourself! Let us know how you do ...hugs 🤗

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I found that getting out of my head and getting more superficial is a good break from heavy continuous brooding. Try not to make a point either sarcastic or otherwise to help you breakout of the blues. Laugh at ridiculous things that don’t matter. Let God take care of changing them. Thank your feet for their support!

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You need to take care of yourself for a change.
Call your brother and tell him you can no longer do this. Either they take your mom or she will have to be placed in a facility. See what he says.
Then DO IT.

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My god, girl, you are a saint and your brother is a selfish bastard. I assure you that his family will NEVER HELP YOU. They have it too good to let someone interfere with their life, etc. Forget about asking as you won't get it. And with your own situation and needs and circumstances, YOU must face the fact that you cannot and should not take care of your mother any longer. It is just not right and will destroy you and any family you have. Make sure you have a Power of Attorney for you only for your mother and start looking to place her. Let her rant and rave - you are what is important and you don't look out for yourself, no one else will. Good luck and be strong.

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I responded earlier but one thing I forgot to say was that you need to keep in mind that Medicaid will not pay for assisted living. It will pay for a nursing home but your mom needs a diagnosis that will qualify her to be admitted. She needs to receive true nursing care to get Medicaid. If you get to the point of looking for a facility for her, keep that in mind. Will her finances pay for AL? Perhaps your siblings will be willing to help with the difference between what mom can pay and what the fees are.

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Yes, you have paid your dues. Having been in your position and recently lost the loved one I cared for, I can relate to your anger/loss of self.

I have 3 brothers that did essentially nothing. The only real piece of help I did receive was when my older brother said, "It is time to give her care to the professionals." the "professionals" being Assisted Living. With all the guilt etc., mother tried to throw my way. This was for the best.

In addition I found that seeing a Therapist for myself also helped. Look around and find someone who deals with the caretakers of today. Mine is great and I have learned a lot about my self in general and my struggles as a caretaker. Good luck. It sound to me as If you have MORE than Paid Your Dues.

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It may be a good idea to keep a journal of everything you do and think about in regards to your caregiving. This way, if any one should ask, you have a record. And above all you will have told yourself and given yourself a greater affirmation than anyone else will ever be able to do. Once you respect the work you do, you will begin to see the work your brother has before him.

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Essie marie..
I am in the same situation. I have a sister and 2 brothers. Need to fine
a caregiver to come in or a daycare during day to help and give you a break. If mom can't get Medicaid to help pay for a caregiver or day daycare then let you brother pay. If he don't do that then stipulate he
Come get her. You gotta get a break, although it's stressful daily.
Mom should not put a guilt trip on
you about the nursing home. Find
something you enjoy and take time
For self to relax yourself. You in
control of your actions. All how you deal with your emotions. Stress adds to your sickness. You
take care of you first. Once you accept things as they are you will fill a lot better. I do a lot of praying.
Reading my bible brings calming.
There is a crown waiting for you.
You will receive blessing abundantly. Psalm is a good book
To read.

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You are not alone. A lot of folks, out of the goodness in their hearts cannot say "No." While it would have been best for you to have arranged a "temporary" living plan for your mom and also a "temporary" babysitting for your granddaughter, you are now in a bind.

But take heart! Get your mom in a nursing facility, get your granddaughter into school and say, "No" from now on. The world will keep spinning. People won't die, and you, will feel 100% better. If you think you will feel guilty, that's a moot point. You already feel guilty just thinking about putting mom in a nursing home. You won't feel more guilty than you already do. In fact, you will begin to see how this is so much better for her - friends, activities, new faces, someone else to complain to, etc.

As far as your brother and his wife is concerned, they will not show up until your mom passes so expect this. At least by then, you will have the strength to say "No" when they come in to ravage through all of Mom's belongings and inheritance.

Get your strength back now. You will need it, and trust me, the Nursing Home is not going to "kill" your mom. It's her decision to embrace a new home or not.

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Great advice! It is called survival and the mother will have round the clock care. A loved one can visit anytime they like. Been there! Mom was in a nursing facility for 4 years. It can be handled and all will be well. Yes, they fuss and all but don’t argue and tell them about your own health. If they don’t care, you did the right thing. That is my message and I love your response. Mature and wise.

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Time to reevaluate your relationships and obligations. The fact you had a meltdown indicates your in burn out.

I encourage you to talk to a counsellor and/or doctor about how to meet (improve?) your own health needs while caring for mom. Maybe you need to hire homecare aides to give you some time off - daily and weekly. Talk with your brother about the kinds of care mom needs and ask how he would contribute. Some folks take turns caring for LO. Others contribute money, Sadly, some do none of either. Some insurance plans cover respite care - which it sounds like you desperately need.

As an RN, I strongly encourage you to make some changes for your own sake. You can only take care of others health from a place of your own health.

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well if your brother took her in to his home, there wouldn't be that 'difficult long drive' now would there?

Personally I would give him the 'opportunity' to step up; tell him you're at your limit and need help. He can either provide it himself or he can buy his way out of it by paying for a caregiver to help you every day or some days. It's his parent, too; my observation is some siblings are happy to let someone else martyr themselves caring for a parent while they do next to nothing.

We teach people how to treat us. Put your foot down and put the situation back in his lap. If that means she goes to a facility because he won't step up, so be it. You've done your time.

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Good reply! 👍👍

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I think we all are saying the same thing.. A NH would be the best choice because of the toll that caregiving is taking on you.. It's not healthy for you and you need to make the choice sooner than later.. I researched places and found the best fit for my MOM even though she never made it because she started to deteriorate and the change would have been too much for her. She had dementia, so do your research and check nursing homes and Assisted Living facilities and you can go see your MOM as much as you like but you would still have a life.. Its not easy watching others live while you are make a huge sacrafice and they just do not care. Also make sure you have all of the paperwork like POA medically and financially so you can make these decisions because it sounds like your MOM won't. If she is well enough to guilt you then she will be fine.

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Good reply...👍👍

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One thing is a given and that is if you continue on like this, you will fall faint and ill. You'll be good to no one, let alone yourself. Seek respite now by any means possible. They'll have to "get with it" because you could be on the floor!

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I ended up in the emergency room with heart irregularities and received a lecture from the cardiologist about taking care of myself. Your reply is spot on! 👌👌

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You can't help anyone if you end up in a hospital. And you need to TELL your brother what you NEED to do with or without his help, But first and foremost you need a POA. Make sure you get it. Go look at several places without your mom and then take her, if you can, and let her choose the place. Tell her your doctor advises that you need more rest in order to stay healthy. Then you can be her daughter instead of her care giver.

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I got the POA from Legalzoom which is affordable and then all she needs to do is take it to a notary for signature. I got the medical and the financial POA at a very low price and it saves on lawyer's fees whuch can be expensive.

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With your own health issues, this will take you down and Mom doesn’t care. Parents get selfish in their old age and they still see you as young and able. Put your Mom in an assisted living facility (nursing home) and save yourself as my doctor instructed me to do. Yes, I have been there. If brother and his wife and your Mom do not like it, too bad. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I ended up in ER with heart palpitations and it was stress! So said the internist and cardiologist who tested me. We chose the best we could from a case worker and Mom was placed in one about 7 miles from my house and I could check on her as much as I wanted or needed. It is sad to say but they will ALL use you up. Only you can make this decision. Only you can save your mind and body. There are folks that will give you suggestions such as take time for yourself, etc and set boundaries. I say bull to that. They don’t get it or maybe they are expecting $$ after the parent passes. Sound harsh? Well it is the truth and only you can get yourself out of this predicament in order to take care of YOU. Do what you have to do. Tell brother you are doing this and if he wants to take her, let him. Not fair for your Mom to make you do it all just because she doesn’t like her daughter-in-law. So she puts it on you. Nope, don’t fall for that. Good luck in whatever you decide.

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If I was in your situation I would request of your sister in law and brother a family sit down meeting. don't take no for an answer either.
I would tell them how you feel. overwhelmed and at your wits end.
I would than tell them if they are not willing to take mom for a week or two here and there, to give you a well needed break ,than tell them as her only caretaker you will have no option but to put her in a nursing home.
than examine your options as nursing homes.
question: have you ever thought of moving mom to your home?
do you have the room? that would help you out since you have children and husband there for support.

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I would not move her home with her either. It will turn the whole household upside down and her health will not improve by bringing her mother to her house. Then, her own family would have to be put to work too. Mom needs to go to the nursing facility.

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It sounds to me like it’s time for you. You probably are exhausted and overwhelmed. It’s a tough decision to “quit” taking care of your mother 24/7. I had to make that decision two years ago. Maybe I can suggest you somehow find the time to thoroughly think through where you are with being a caregiver at this time. Look at what it’s doing to you and your health. Ask what is it you want for your life. After you have thought that through and figured that part out, think about the consequences of your decision - how it will affect you and everyone involved. Then, follow through with your decision. It might not be a “popular” decision, but hopefully it will be what you need. I am at pease with my decision and do not regret it at all. Good luck.

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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have a similar situation and have had to get on antidepressants for it. My father died at age 63 and my mother is 96. You do the math. It doesn't get any easier. My mother ran out of money and became too weak to stay at my sisters by herself she kept falling and could not get to the bathroom so we had to put her in a facility. We all work full time. You have done what you could to care for your mother. Don't let her guilt you into not putting her in a facility. Schedule an appointment with your mother's Dr. alone and ask for his / her opinion. Also, seek counseling for yourself it really helps.

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Why should you act cheerful in a dire situation and they are refusing to help. You should tell them like it is. Unless you are getting paid, I don't understand why you are adding to the stress load by babysitting.

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I can see why you would long to spend time with your granddaughter. A young child must seem like a breath of fresh air after over a decade of dealing with an aging, at-least-sometimes-uncooperative senior. Especially since the child came along SINCE you've started dealing with your mom. I would want to know that child before the time was gone. But try to balance your time. It's time to have mom move into a facility. You are NOT throwing her away. If I were to watch my son or daughter have to choose between ME and their own grandchild, I would feel awful, especially if I had been getting years of quality care from them. It's not easy in any way, but please take care of yourself. Take a few hours and try to figure out what YOUR priorities are. Put your sanity first; then figure out the rest of the people. Your brother has a right NOT to do anything. But please tell him that you are done with the heavy lifting. You need him to help contribute money to mom's care in some type of facility. Otherwise mom is going to end up on Medicaid. Does he want that? Just see if you can write this all out. Endless crying is a sign you're done. And I hope the granddaughter is a nice child to spend time with and not a chore!

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Seems like you're overwhelmed with stress. How did you end up babysitting your granddaughter (on top of taking care of your MOM)? There's a two-letter answer "NO". Your child (mother/father) of granddaughter shouldn't have asked, but you have the right to say no.

As far as your Mom goes, being in a facility is expensive - what are her finances like? Have you investigated the cost and used an elder attorney to help figure out how to pay for it (NOT use your money)?

As far as your brother - for the time being, investigate the cost of hiring an at-home service (Elder's Helpers, etc) to care for your mom at least 2 days a week, or the cost of an elder-day-care, and then propose to your brother that he pay for that cost to give you a break away from caregiving your mom in lieu of their assistance.

In short - you're overwhelmed, and expecting anyone but you to make significant changes in your caregiver routine is not going to happen. Your Mom is saying things to make you feel guilty into keeping her with you, but your health is more important at this point. And unless you make the changes necessary, nothing will change.

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I think you must do what is best for both YOU and your mother. You need to take care of yourself, mentally and physically, In my case, I have one sibling, a brother who was always the golden-haired boy to my mother. When it became dangerous for her to live alone, my brother moved her into his small home, with absolutely no consultation, discussion, or advance notice with me. Now, after 7 months, he acts like he is the only one taking care of her and that he is losing his mind. I have offered many, many times to do various things for my mother (and my brother), including making arrangements for home delivery of medicine. Every offer has been rejected by both of them. I've reached the point where no more offers will be made. I've told them both that if they ask me to help them with something, I will do my best to do it. But, I'm not going to subject myself to more rejection and frustration. Maybe your brother needs specific requests for help, even if that is only financial. Good luck to you. It is a never-ending and difficult job.

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Please, start recording your daily thoughts and work you are doing for your mom, along with conversations with your brother. These may be critical if a legal situation evolves. It sounds like you are older yourself. Does your County or State have an elder or senior abuse department? If so contact them for help. Elder abuse laws are serious, the way your brother is treating you and your mom. There is probably more to your story, like maybe you are getting "free rent"? Check out your state guidelines for caregiving. Contact a home care firm and find out what it would cost to have a team come to your house every week, throw that at your brother. Tell your mom you just need a two week rest and she needs to go into a home just temporarily. Let your brother pay for what your mom cannot. Elect a nice place, modern. Who knows, maybe she will want to stay.

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Thanks for this information. Recording thoughts. I keep forgetting this. I can see where it is useful. Have heard others testifying positively about this

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Not everybody is cut out to be a caregiver so first forgive your brother for not being as capable as you. Maybe he can help in another way like hiring some help for you. If your mother won't visit them, why don't you? And take your granddaughter with you. It sounds like you could really use a break.

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Act Grateful. It seems to work for everything.
besides, it leaves them speechless.

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Vonrock,

You’re better than me! Wow, I am impressed. I have done that in the past but like the OP I have run out of steam.

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EssieMarie- I'm sorry you are going through this. I believe the tendency to place our anger towards others, when their decision to remain uninvolved while we are in the thick of it, is normal. I have been primarily responsible for my mother's living situation for 15 years now. My brothers are pretty much uninvolved. One of my brothers has health issues and the other pretty much divorces himself from any form of involvement. I have learned to be grateful that they are supportive of decisions I make for her and they don't give me grief. That has preserved my relationship with them and helped my mental status.
My mother lived with me and my husband for a little while but we quickly realized it wasn't going to work. Fortunately, she was ok financially and she has lived in several places over the years, independent living, then assisted living and now memory care. The sooner you find a place for her the better. You need your energy for yourself. You will find that she will still demand much of your time and energy. Get her placed. Take care of yourself. Live your life.
Believe me, it's still not easy watching their decline and their lives drag on and on. The role you are in is thankless and if your mom is like mine, she will suck every ounce of life out of you if given the opportunity. Sadly, I know my mom no longer has the ability to realize it.
You too have a life and deserve to enjoy and live it.

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Fantastic response. I agree with everything you said.

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I went through the stress and resentment phase as well. For the most part, I've dropped any friendship with my two siblings because I see them for how selfish they truly are. I decided to make myself Number 1. Living with a 92 year old mother and a 21 year old grandson, puts most of the burden on me. But when I really thought about the circumstances I find myself in, I decided I love them both but me first. So, I hired a bi-weekly cleaning team, I buy fast food or dinners when I don't feel like cooking, I pay attention to my hobbies, and I am honest with everyone. My mother changed her will to leave her assets to me, and I feel appreciated for it; I appreciate that she has acknowledged all that I do to ensure she is alive and well. I also started to be very honest with my mother. I don't let her manipulate me any longer, and I tell her when I disagree with her and why I do. I don't let her praise my brother and sister who only visit from out-of-town every two or three years, as if they are wonderful "children." When I buy something that will make her more comfortable or bring a smile to her face, I declare, "I got something for you, Mom. I was thinking of you." My life is not perfect. I wish I had more freedom to live my life and to pursue my own happiness. But, my anger is gone. I make myself my priority. It is okay to baby yourself, after all everyone seems to need you now. So, you must be the Top Priority.

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Write him a letter if you can't do a face to face but tell him that is not convenient for your health & to hell with his excuses

FYI ... nobody asks to go to a NH but many bloom once there - the improvements in the last few decades is tremendous - my mom went to 10 activities a week plus religious ones - at home she was alone with a tv all the time - quality of life is important too for both your mom & you

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I am right there with you...Ever since I was 18 my brother and his wife always lived in another state and I was the one there to help take care of my parents do things for them and so on. Since they lived thousands of miles away they rarely came home. My mother had alzheimers and fell back in 2014 and both my dad and brother wanted to put her in a nursing home. It was her wish the whole time I grew up that she did not want to be in one because she saw her dad in one, so I vowed I would never do that. I threatened to move her in with me and they then became more understanding and I ended up moving in with them a month later for the last month and a half of her life.
My brother passed away last year and I am now living with my dad taking care of him because he does not want to go in a nursing home either. I look at it like tis they took care of me for over 18 years snd it is my turn to take care of them. Yes I get stressed, yes I wish I could move back to my house...but then I stop and think what kind of person would I be they taught me to love and care for others.
May you have the strength to get you through this. You can send me a message if you ever need to blow off steam. I wish you hope and my prayers are with you.

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Don’t lay a guilt trip on this lady. Her mother took care of her when she was a healthy child/teen. There is a huge difference. This person is saying she is not well herself. You are telling her basically to buck up and do it anyway. No! She matters too believe it or not. Mom is being uncooperative so she needs to go to a good nursing facility if the brother won’t take her.

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How can I act cheerful when my brother and his wife visit and don't offer to help with my mother's care?

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