I am 42, my father is 81 and my mother is 78. Eight or nine years ago they did what a lot of seniors do after working hard all their life, they decided to move to another area. They lived in the DC area for over 50 years and decided to go down to North Carolina. They moved to a town that a church couple they knew had moved to, figuring these were their friends and this would be an enjoyable time. My parents bought a new construction home, moved down, and proceeded to pal around with this couple basically eating out and shopping, and going to church. Well a few years into the new move, the wife of the couple died. Of course the friendship between my parents and this couple went away as well. My mother and the lady were the real friends in this situation. To get to the point, after this occurred my father started to show obvious signs of dementia, forgetfulness and unable to string together sentences. My parents moved five hours away so of course my siblings and I only knew partially what was going on. Typical of many parents, my mother wasn't very open. Well now obviously things have worsened with my father. He is basically a shell of himself. He can eat and talk and walk, but he's out of it. He does remember his wife and children thankfully, but he is incontinent, talks out of his head 99% of the time and early in the mornings and in the evenings wanders through their house in another world. He has diabetes and other chronic health issues, and my mother battles daily to give his insulin, and he refuses to take other medication. My husband and I travel down there maybe 3 or 4 times a year and it's getting to be a miserable experience. I hate going down there now. One sibling has three children, job struggles, and never goes down. He has his constant excuses for why, and I am learning that this is just the way some siblings are and it's a waste of time being frustrated. My other sibling has basically been the problem child all his life, won't keep a job, currently staying with a friend, so basically homeless. If my parents were still in the area he would be living with them. I guess I want to express that I want to be there for my parents. I have gone back and forth about moving where they are. But I don't want to throw my own life in an upheaval. I struggle with emotional problems, have just lost my job, and have a husband (no children) who I don't want to stress out any more than I already have. I am angry with my parents for moving so far away, to a place with no family, no one who would truly look out for them. They bought this huge house which is now unmanageable. Sometimes when I am talking to my mother I want to yell at her that they need to move back but I know she is under so much strain and don't want to do that to her. But I am truly stressed out right now. One of my fears is my mother will get sick, or pass away before my father. Then what?!?
I can't run up and down the road looking after them. I know I would break down. I don't know what to do.
I guess I am looking for moral support. Thank you.
If not, as JoAnn said...you will need to have a "come to Jesus" discussion with your mom. You need to have her understand that even IF you choose to come down once a month for a week at a time, that leaves mom with 40 other weeks to have to figure out the care for dad. She needs to be told that, heartbreaking as it is to admit, you dad is not going to improve; his care needs will continue to grow and grow, likely outgrowing the care your mom will be physically, mentally and emotionally able to give.
Something like "mom, what's your long term plan for dad? What if he forgets who you are? What if he starts to wander? Becomes violent? What are your plans for when the time comes that he CAN'T be left alone, and you need to leave the house to run errands or attend to your own health? What is your plan in the event YOU get sick and can't take care of him? Even if I'm here 12 weeks out of the year, what are you going to do the rest of the time?" Sometimes, caregivers become so enmeshed in the minutia of the day to day chores they never stop and consider the bigger picture or the future; then when it's suddenly upon them, they have no plans in place and a bad situation becomes exponentially worse.
It's a very tough position you are in. The one solution that your mom has to be made aware of, however, is that YOU are NOT going to uproot yourself and your husband and move to them to become their caregiver. Clearly by what you wrote, even the thought of it fills you with resentment; actually moving there would be infinitely worse for everyone, including dad, because as much as you might try and hide it, your resentment will spill through and poison all of your relationships: your relationship with your spouse, parents and siblings. And that doesn't make you a bad daughter in any way, shape or form, so don't allow guilt to make a bad decision for you.
Good luck!
Though your situation is very difficult now, cultivate mindfulness. Let go of resentments and bitterness (even though you earned the right). And if you believe the right thing to do is move your parents back up from NC into a condo or AL, know you have the strength to make it happen even if your siblings do nothing to help. Have faith in yourself and God.
Instead of a few hours or a short road trip away, we are on the other side of the country. This has given me insight into my own child's worries and a new thought project for today. I keep my family informed but maybe I need to do a better job of handling everything. The burden falls to me, not to them.
Perhaps your own mom will also think the burden is hers, but needs a little insight to your feelings, too. Good luck with your conversation, or all six of them, and I hope it works out well for both you and your parents. It's bad enough to lose your dad, and hard to see your mom go thru it. Try to be supportive , but don't fall down into that hole yourself. Talk to your husband, too, and get his real feelings about it!
There is a light the end of the tunnel, keep your eye on it!
Be a phone call a day, then 2, then daily visits, then overnights... The Slippery Slope. It's a common trap that caring folk slide down..
Mom could be so overwhelmed with daily life she has no time or energy to make next week's plan - let alone plan a move, look into AL options, the finances, sell the house etc. (Just read Ngoodenough got to that idea first ☺️).
I think of it as looking at the tiny shells at your feet on a beach - not looking up to see the tsunami on the horizon.
Yes agree to an honest chat with Mom. I was told it can take SIX times to START to sink in.
The good news is you have time. This is not a wander/violent/setting fire to the kitchen issue. You have time to chat, time to research.
So instead of that slippery slope, you can plan a pathway. Mom is hanging onto her independence right now. One thing I've learnt is that independence changes size. A relative of mine decided the big house would take too many workers to maintain - downsized & managed her apartment herself. Adding in cleaning & meal service as needed. I call that still indepenant.
That's how I'd sell the idea of 'help' to your Mom. Services & Aides will help her & Dad stay together longer & a smaller place will help her stay independent longer.
Dad fell & broke his hip. He was firing his OT & PT help. I decided to find an AL facility near me where they could stay & Dad could heal. I said it was for 8-10 weeks, not permanent. They agreed hesitantly.
It was easier for me, but moving is stressful for all of us, esp. for people with AD or dementia. It was difficult & many of the caregivers were inept about caring for my folks. My mom went downhill quickly & passed, which was a blessing for her. We put my dad in a MC facility which helped tremendously, until the covid lockdowns were implemented.
I moved him out 8 weeks into it b/c he’d “quit” due to the isolation. He was then in a one bedroom apartment with 24/7 help. He flourished and spent the last year of his life happy. The illness progresses & gets more complicated for all, but we could see/spend time with him & he was happy! We sold his house after Mom passed b/c it was too far away. Dad was then ok with that. He was living in “the now”. It all works out, but allowing the person with the least reasoning ability to call the shots makes no sense! It has to work for whomever will be caring for them! Good luck!
Part of our frustration with our situation is not accepting it and the limits on our ability to change it. Remembering that there is only so much you can control might help your frustration level so that you don’t get frustrated with your parents. Dad can’t help what is happening to him and Mom is doing the best she can for her husband of many years and herself. I’m sure that when they embarked on their post retirement life, they never imagined it would look like this. I’m sure they are both scared of what the future might bring.
That being said, the fact that you just lost your job could be a blessing in disguise. So you have the ability to go spend about a month with your mom helping her get things in order? Sounds like she could use the help and company and you could use the time to bond and discuss ways to make her and your dad’s life more manageable. Maybe make some phone calls and secure additional resources for them so when you go back home, things are better?
My husband and I are 60 and he has Alzheimer’s. We live in Cali and his siblings are in Michigan and his children are on the east coast. It’s just us here but there’s nowhere I’d rather be. A long visit might be the best thing for her and you. Good luck.
Talk with your mom about how her day typically goes. Ask her when she gets breaks from caring for your father. If the answer is - none - suggest that it might be time to move closer into a smaller place.
If your mom agrees, then help her with researching all the options available to them in your area. Consider senior housing options, assisted living, adult day care programs, and memory care units (for your dad).
Also, bring in your spouse to have frank conversations with your mom about finances and expectations. If you have too many life struggles going on, living together is not in anybody's best interest. Look at your parents' monthly income and compare this to the resources you already researched. It might be easiest to move them somewhere with assisted living that can phase to higher levels of care but will also take the amount of income your parents have.
This will not be a one time conversation with your mom, but a series of conversations. Take your time while helping them with information so mom can make the decision she is comfortable with. Also, make time to get some care for yourself. See your primary care doctor about your issues. Get the care you need.
I recommend watching a movie called "Still Mine", it was a real eye opener for what is going on when one parent is still able in all ways and the other is being lost to dementia.
Is it possible to encourage mom to order meals, hire a housekeeper and try introducing help for her so she can be available for dad?
Trying to force her to place him can cause more of a stressor for her, until she is ready it is only going to cause her to dig in deeper.
Be a loving daughter and an unjudgemental ear for her. Support her this way and she may open up more. Don't reprimand her for their choice to move to some place different in their retirement, it is pretty common.
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