I have been sole caregiver to my 91 year old mother for the last 20 years. She has taken several falls over the years. Although no serious physical injuries, her dementia took a sharp decline once she fell a month ago. She has since been in a nursing home for rehab but it appears that is the best long-term care for her since I am no longer able to care for her progressing needs. I am devastated that I was not able to keep her home until her death. It is a lifestyle shock to us both. But an even bigger stress is being able to deal with her extreme mood swings and anxiety adapting to her new living situation. I dread the visits (which I do daily) because I know she is going to be in a confused state and very hostile once I arrive. Does anyone have advice on how to deal with her and not let it upset me so much?
Your mom will need time to adjust, and she may struggle as the dementia will limit her ability to adapt. However, you didn't do this--she's there because the dementia and advanced age made it unreasonable to try to take care of her outside of a specialized care facility.
It would be beneficial to discuss your concerns with her care provider. It's a big change, & the disease is always progressing. Meds can help her adjust. Sometimes those may need adjusted a few times to find what works best.
I have a hard time tolerating the insults and tantrums when they don't get their way. Especially after all the many things I already do for them! It is hard to tolerate, and if you aren't confident who you are as a person, even harder.
For example:
Why did I help my Ex husband the past few years? Because he is a United States Army Combat Veteran, who nobody will screw with on my watch! As a Colonel's daughter, I was raised very differently. I will give the man the respect for his sacrifice for our country, no matter how much I didn't like him as a husband.
I say tone down the visits. Don't torture yourself. You have gone beyond the call of duty already with a 20 year history. Your Mom will adjust and is in a safe place. You need to take a break!
Are you looking at a hospice situation here? Have you spoken to doctor about that?
She may need medication to adapt but first you do want to talk to her caregivers alone and without her. It could be that her reaction is to seeing YOU and believing that you are there to rescue her. She sees you as her Saviour come to take her home and when you cannot/will not she is agitated and unhappy. This may mean that you consider fewer and shorter visits, not longer and more.
Sorry. You wanted to and you couldn't and you RECOGNIZED you couldn't any longer. That's important. You didn't cause and can't fix this. Speak to the personnel and her doctor about getting her some relief for this last time she must remain.
You can call the front desk to check on her in the in-between visits if you feel so inclined, but now it's time to start thinking about yourself and start enjoying this one life you've been given, and rest in the knowledge that your mother is being taken care of and is where she now needs to be.
I’m guessing you are somewhere between 60-71 years old yourself and have been caring for her since you were somewhere between 40-50 years old. You have cared for her longer than it took her to raise you from birth to 18! That’s staggering.
Think about what you want for yourself in the time you have left. There must be things you hoped to do that were not possible due to caring for her for 20 years. If she were in her right mind, and truly loves you, she would tell you it’s time for you now. The mom you loved could not possibly want you to subject yourself to emotional trauma.
I know it’s hard. You have done the right thing by placing her and should not be devastated that you could not keep her at home until death. Think about freedom to do what you want, when you want, if that is only to read a book. You deserve it! Now it’s time to treat yourself at least as well as you treated her!
My mother lived in Memory Care Assisted Living with dementia. The foul and hurtful things she said to me were awful. We're "supposed" to ignore the words and chalk them off to dementia, but what about the stress, the stomach aches? The anxiety? The dread? The thinking about the situation all the time? It's unhealthy for US and something we do not deserve. Since I know of no way to hear hurtful words and not absorb them, the only way to stay safe is to limit your contact with the toxic words.
Wishing you the best of luck and the courage to put yourself first now.