I am a bit overwhelmed reading the vast majority of posts that hate what caregiving their beloveds has brought to their life. My dad will be moving in with my family shortly and the passion and the zeal with which the majority of you feel this is terrible decision... concerns me and makes me wonder why any of you do it at all. Save for financial concerns. Silver linings appreciated.
So many on this site may not even had a choice or find that their DAD comes with limited resources or big debt , or needs full time care , maybe their Dad doesn't even remember he is their DAD or their DAD is in no way able to function as a DAD. Hold judgement until you have given it a dry run......
You are far from selfish! Just get that one out of your mind. You have made major sacrifices trying to accomodate her (and still are) that many people would not have gone through the effort. Dementia effects everyone differently. Some parents turn into sweet little lambs, some into combative hellions, who knows why it affects everyone differently so there is no "play book" we could have read to prep us for what was going to happen with our parent/s. My Mom isn't nasty or mean, she is a passive aggressive nag that looks for things to need or want (fixates) and bugs me to death in her sweet little way until I finally give her what she wants. That's what I got. Who knows what it may morph into as the disease progresses.
Nobody knows how long this will go on, how long our lives will be revolved totally around them, what will happen tomorrow, it is a stress that seems endless and can wear down even the best of us.
I decided against having children because I knew I did not have what it takes to be "a mom." I had no maternal instincts and no biological clock. Today, to think that I was only 15 when Mom was my age now (48) and I cannot imagine dealing with a teenager AND a mother with dementia in tandem. I'd be ready for the looney bin! I literally have nobody helping me with Mom. Husband wants nothing to do with her personal care. His part is making this arrangement financially possible. We all have "our roles" to play in this, it is just surviving it with our sanity intact that is the hardest part.
Right back atcha! I feel for anyone who can never seem to satisfy their aging parent no matter how hard you try. I am the shopper, the fixer, the physical therapist, the launderess, etc. etc. It is exhausting especially when you think you have thought of everything and apparently, you never do. I pray she does not get dementia for your sake!!!
Move her where she is safer and you can get your kitchen and some privacy back! Maybe even get her a pair of headphones for the TV? 😉 *Hugs*
1. time with mom that I wouldn't get back later
2. peace of mind knowing I have always done all that I could. I also live by the "no regrets" philosophy
3. Knowing 100 % mom is cared for
4. Experiencing the day to day changes makes it easier to let go? That's a question mark because she's so well physically I don't think we've started letting go yet
4. Satisfaction & pride in my ability to handle this enormous task
Nice you can look at things in such a positive light. I do admire that and wish I could just erase the past and the current situation so I could view it that way too. Cwillie said it best when her "top answer" explained how the frustrations you see in our posts are just tiny glimpses into our everyday lives. You cannot imagine the "whole story" behind a lot of these posts as to why we are so frustrated. Many of us come from dysfunctional families, maybe Mom treated us horribly or with indifference when we were growing up and those are things, I am sorry to say, that don't just dissapear in our minds. We may get past some stuff but certain things when you are caring for this parent, their behaviors cause "triggers" that can get those old memories right to the surface again. We all would like to say, "It's in the past, we totally forgive them and have moved forward" but that is easier said than done for many of us, including me. I could write a novel on my dysfunctional family, no joke.
So, silver linings aren't always there for us to see when we are in the trenches. I can say I know I did the right thing for her, but I don't think it was the right thing for me. The sacrifice was far greater than I ever would have imagined. When all is said and done, and my life is my own again, I may be able to look at things in a better light, but in the moment, it's very difficult.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I am very happy for you that you are able to have such a positive outlook, I truly wish I could too but that is not my reality. I do the best I can everyday but it is hard to stay positive when you are trapped like a rat in a cage. I cannot write my life's story here so my feelings make more sense, best way to sum it up is, you cannot erase history.
I think we all start out with good intentions but things generally escalate. For myself, I really underestimated how I would feel in the long run. Looking back I wish I managed my own emotions better.
My father passed away last year and its been the worst pain and sorrow I have ever been through. So for me the silver lining is knowing I did see him every day and I hope he knew I loved him and was trying my hardest to do my best for him. It never felt like it at the time, but I hope my actions conveyed my respect and love.
Take it day by day. But if you ever feel stuck please know there are always different options.
Make sure her Will has back up DPOA & POA's in place. 😉 Problem solved. My brothers are next in line legally should something happen to me.