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I LOATHE the holidays. I think I always have since I was in my teens. I came from a dysfuntional, cold, unloving family but I had my darling grandmother till she died when I was in my 20's. (I was deep in the throes of an unsuitable romance, but 40 years later I still think of her and not my beau). They robbed me of my holidays. WE had to go over THERE every single F'ing Christmas Day for an awful time, and we had to have our own Christmas before or after. So, yeah, I know how it feels....one sibling lit out long ago across the country, the other is in a group home, and parents now both dead, and I don't miss the Big Jolly Family Christmas at ALL. ... When husband's relatives were still alive, we did have a child, and nice get-togethers with them, and now they are gone, too......When my mother was still in her house, with dementia, I arranged for paid help to stop in for a few hours because she didn't know it was Christmas anyway. But I spent the day half expecting the phone to ring with some problem....OK. I've vented. I'm done......What I did was downsize Christmas. No need to go from house to house, no need to put on dinners here, one day, and another the next. No big decorating or baking. (If that is what people reading like to do, more power to you! But we cut out anything extraneous. It was simply too enervating for me, and if I didn't do it, no one really cared.) Ordered food in, a pre-made dinner, or I would whip up a huge lasagna or get a spiral ham and a few sides, that would last us a few days....I just wasn't feeling it, to tell the truth, and my own husband and daughter understood (because we had had so little, and such dysfunctional, family, they never walked around thinking they would have a Waltons Holly Jolly Christmas anyway.) So do the things YOU like to do, feel capable of doing, and let the chips fall. People get mad? They'll get over it.
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Zam250 is on to something! Helping strangers to help oneself!  If I may add, be anonymous about it, without any sort of expectations in return.  Try and see, you may find your cheerful self again. It would give you the strength to face your family situation.
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I bring my father to a family holiday dinner that he enjoys. They fuss over him and send him home with leftovers. For me, I like to drive around and look at Christmas lights (no cost) and I buy myself a Christmas gift. I'll sample holiday foods/drink in small quantities, might make a batch of cookies if so inclined (but I don't HAVE to), send return cards to people who send them to me and make year end donations (as I can afford) to causes I believe in. I set my own schedule.
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GingerMay I have one Question. When You were a Baby, young Girl, Teenager, then in Your 20's and so on....did Your Mom take Care of You ? and now Your Darling Mom has Alzheimer's and You look away. You must learn to accept Your Mom's diagnosis Alzheimer's which is a disease of the Brain. It's not Your Moms fault since millions of Mothers all over the World have it, and Fathers too but this disease is more common in Women. Yes things will never be the same again, how can they be ? but Youl have to help You Dad to take Care of Your Mom and Love Your Mother like She Loved You when You were sick. Believe me GingerMay I know what I am talking about because when My beautiful Mother was diagnosed with alzheimer's I manned up and Cared for My Mother single handedly 24/7 from beginning to End,
which was three years and I did it with Love. Nothing was ever a problem, or too much because I adored Mom, and I miss the Crater. Now is Your Time GingerMay and when the End comes, You will be so glad You did.
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There is a saying - something about you can't always control what happens to you but you can control your reactions to it. When you realize suddenly that things are not the way they used to be, you need to find a new normal. The important thing is to take the burdens off your mother and father. Make their lives less complicated. Go with the flow. It sounds like you are new to dementia. You will lose more of your mother every year, so cherish what you have. Don't get caught up in family politics. Find a good friend you can vent to and get on with the business of living. My mother was also the anchor for our family and she has been gone 13 years. She gave us great Christmases and I don't have it in me to try to replicate her efforts. My brother lives for Christmas and so I let him do the work and enjoy his efforts. If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't have holiday family dinners. Let your siblings do what they do well because you probably won't get them to do what you think they should do. You will need more of their help later.
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I mostly find Christmas something to survive. The 26th
is my favorite part of the winter holidays. Since we are
homebound due to his health festivities are toned down.
Which is good. There adult children get gifts of cash.
His gets a few gifts, he's hard to buy for. A great nephew
and niece get a box in the mail of little goodies. We'll
have dinner for five on the 24th. Probably honey baked
ham with sides. I miss the past years get togethers,
The people who have died, the ones who are I'll or
live far away. But I do try to have the holiday in my own
way. Don't miss the malls, the shopping for the right
gifts, etc. Thank heavens for Amazon and the Target
store across the street, where my dau works. I'll probably
leave most of the decorations up well into Jan. I do l ik e
The lights and decorations. It's a quieter holiday time
but with less pressure and expectations.

I hope we all will find a modicum of peace and happiness
this year! Bless you all!
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This is a difficult time of year for those of us who have lost a loved one, are estranged from family. I make Christmas cards and don't mind if I don't get one in return, it is my gift to others. I go to a friend's home, one who has also lost dear ones and we have a have a very untypical Christmas, no tree, no gifts and no guilt. Always remembering the true meaning of the season without all the games played out by others. Be selfish and do what makes you happy, you deserve it!
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Indeed. Run away! Take a holiday from everything and let the others deal.
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At least I know I'm not alone. I have had the gift of telling me all I've done wrong and how I would go to he__ L for all the keys and other things they misplaced saying I stole them.I don't get to see my cristmass tree except when I pass through the front door to the bed. Trying to bring any cristmass spirit to my charges is futile even cristmass day I don't notice because it is a work day with the same daily chores. I do my shopping on line but with No pay can't buy peasants I would like to give.I feel like I was picked to care for them because I was the least important not easy to get the cristmass spirit. And I put the blame on myself. Even if I get a cristmass present I would never be able to use it for some time unless it would be something I could use for my charges, I never get to go to a store so even a gift card would be used for them . Just feeling sorry for myself. And that makes me feel small too. If I was never a caregiver I would never fully understand how much all the caregivers here do and what you sacrifice for others. You are truly the best of the best.
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How I feel for you! It seems no matter how I try to simplify by drawing names, etc, other family members ignore my request even though traditionally the festivities are in my home. Last year was THE WORST, almost unbearable stress. I actually thought I was going to pass out twice, all due to the stress of trying so hard to keep that happy face and keep everybody happy (while my husband and I become the "staff" in our own home). I am determined this year WILL be different. Less gifts, no stockings, everyone having Christmas morning in their own home. Less formal dinners, and some alone time for my husband and I.
It takes strength to go against the status quo. DO IT! Do it for your health and sanity.
2018 is the year to think of yourself first when you can. No one else will take care of you.
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I would suggest having a open conversation with sister about mom's health decline, and help her to understand the true gravity of what is going on now, and what stages mom is likely to advance to. It takes a village to provide the needed care for parent with ALZHEIMER'S. Sorry to hear your going through all this. My mom has advanced lung disease and I'm scared this will be the last Christmas I get to have with her. Makes me so sad, but the main thing is making it special for them. Sometimes we have to take the high road, and bite our tongues. Not easy. Family should come together, and all pitch in but I have no help at all. I had to about beg my niece to come see her mamaw for Christmas, and she is grown and healthy and certainly could help me out, but she, like so many others, have no clue the gravity of what it takes to care for terminal I'll family member. She grew up around her mamaw her whole life, and now never comes and barely calls. It's ridiculous. I would just try, for your parents to have a decent time at sisters house. It was nice she offered to host. You have to try to find some positive, and go with that. If we only focus on the bad, then life will always be bleak. Prayers for you and your parents! Try to have a Merry Christmas, and enjoy the time with mom dad and family.
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You are not alone. Try to let go of Christmas tradition guilt and focus on loving your parents because those memories will stick with you forever. Christmas is about the birth of Christ. Makes a lot of people angry but it’s truth. God sent his son into this world to redeem it. God’s very nature is love. Christ loved us so much he went to the cross. We tend to give gifts to show love, which can be a good thing, but it’s not the only way we can show love at Christmas. We’re missing it. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 1 Cor 13. Choose love for your own sake. Peace will come to you. Your little daddy is losing his wife, his best friend, his partner. Even though many times we have wondered what kind of relationship our parents actually have with each other if they’ve been together there will be grieving. I agree that your daddy is coping the only way he knows how right now. He’s probably afraid and dreading the future, what there is of it. Try to be patient with that.
In my situation here it seems that everybody on the outside is in denial too. I want them to acknowledge what is going on, but I want that to take place for me more than anything else. It makes me feel isolated. Mom doesn’t care what others think. She has vascular dementia, she knows she has a problem and has tried telling people she has a problem, but they don’t believe it. What can you do? She needs my love and support now more than ever. As far as your sister goes she’s going to have to come to reality sooner or later. People who tend to be self focused are in preservation mode. They feel like their world is turned upside down and all they can focus on is their pain about everything...how their family is going to change, how their holidays are going to change. It’s total self focus. Where does the care for your parents fit into that? My suggestion to you is for you to let love be your drive, focus on your part of the situation. Trying to figure out why everybody else does what they do is exhausting. You will find rest if your hope is in the Lord, and you let love rule. All we can do is to do our best not to have regrets....my brother on the other hand will have to reap. I’m sorry for him.
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Getting together with my parents (father with FTD/Lewy Bodies, controlling mother with anger and denial issues) for both Thanksgiving and Christmas was overwhelming for me so I established a new tradition. Thanksmas! We all gather (a manageable 8) for four days in a large rented home in a different city each year. The pressure of having to host is removed from any one person and we share the responsibility. One person picks the place and the house. One person makes a list of potential activities and another is in charge of the gift exchange. We are all flying to we put a lot of care into picking one special easy-to-transport gift for one person. This also reduces financial stress. We aren't traveling on the actual holiday which reduces travel stress. When we need a last minute ingredient for our Thanksmas feast the grocery isn't a zoo. Each couple takes a night cooking. My kid's partners don't have to miss or have to alternate their family celebrations. The holidays have gone from something I dreaded to something I look forward to. And this year we have our first grandchild! My dad is too frail and confused to travel and will be spending a few days in a care home, allowing my mother a well-deserved break and reducing the stress on all of us. Traditions can be changed. Start your own. Thanksmas forever!
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I know the frustration of family that is not connected and not understanding you feelings. It sounds like you are grieving the loss of mom’s health and the way it was. It’s so hard. Everyone grieves in their own way and denial is one of the stages. Eventually your family will face the reality of the changes going on. You are entitled to your feelings and so are they. Allow yourself to enjoy your mom now before things get worse. And if you want to let your family know what a hard time you are having facing all this. You can even ask them how they manage to keep a positive attitude in the face of all the loss. That may engage them in a more authentic conversation and help you get some support.
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I always seem to get drawn into someone else's magical merry Christmas. (family) I remember Christmases long ago when my mom was here and it really was magical. Now it just seems empty and sad. But I think it might be good for me to socialize and be around people. So I go and put on a happy face. It's only once a year. I just wish my Mom was here. Because it's just not Christmas without her.
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LOL, wannek knows what I'm talking about.
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Maybe that's the perfect time to disappear. Mom and dad are among family, friends and people that can help with what's needed during the party. Your sister may get her eyes opened a bit as well. No harm in explaining it this way as well. Take some time to just go be Ginger May.

I've become very blunt since becoming a caregiver.
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You're a caregiver and that means making sacrifices. Time to be a little selfish. I know it's hard but take sister's hosting as a break for yourself and so something you enjoy including the peace and quiet. Forget the 'rules ' of the season and take care of yourself!
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It's important for you to give yourself a gift this year - time to breathe - time to think - time to just relax and not worry about 'putting on appearances' or fitting into someone else's show. Our family didn't enjoy the larger family get togethers either - they were fake, with everyone forced to pretend life was perfect, rather than talking about what was really going on in their lives. It was just painful. There are some great ideas here and I hope you will take time for yourself this year and perhaps limit the Christmas visit to a short timeframe - maybe stay an hour or two only and just tell anyone who asks why you need to leave early that you're not feeling well. Hopefully there will be an open opportunity to discuss your real feeling and concerns at another time, but until then, best to do what you need to do, to preserve your sanity and care for yourself. You can't care for others if you don't take care of yourself first. Hugs and best wishes :-)
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Do what you want to do and don't do what you don't need to do. Merry Christmas!! Know we all are in the same boat and love you!
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I just hated this time of year after my Dad died 23 years ago. It never was the same. We would have a small tree and a good dinner though with emphasis on the food. Changed from a big green tree to a little white one. Presents were not that important, everyone got a token little something. Then Mom died and it was the same dislike of the holiday again. I just didn't want to see it. I watched TV, (those commercials don't let you forget the time of year though), switched to watching DVDs, and distracted myself with projects around the house. Sometimes I would get on travel sites on the computer for warm places and read reviews to feel like I myself had a mini vacation. One year hubby and I went on a little vacation the day after Christmas, so I spent the day packing. Each year it changes. This year I actually put up a small tree to make the living room warm and cozy, I meditate in front of the tree, and I am totally seeing Christmas for what it is supposed to be....not some frenzied shopping holiday. Remembering the true meaning of Christmas has helped to me accept it. Don't let others tell you how to spend this day or what to buy etc!
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You don't have to go to your sister's for Christmas.

I never liked Christmas but forced myself to go through it all. Now I just ignore it and have come to enjoy the time of year.

Try googling "I hate Christmas"--there are threads of thousands of often hilarious comments from people talking about how they hate it and why.
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I am hurting for you. I fight back tears during the Thanksgiving and Christmas season because I do not see my family, for a variety of reasons. My husband is my second husband and not the biological father of my children but he is good with them, nevertheless. But my son and family don't come home anymore. It is easier for them to ignore us and pretend everything is okay, my heart is heavy, so even though I don't have what you have I am sad during this time. But I continue to talk to myself and keep going, because I am fairly healthy and financially okay and thank God for these little favors. Try to think about you have rather than what you don't have and that might help you. You don't have to be part of a show, you can be part of a family get together and try to make the best of it for a few hours because perhaps mom at some level realizes everyone is there? Good luck.
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You can do Christmas however your heart wants!! Don’t have to live into someone else's expectations. And guess what no one will probably really care that much. You have a right to YOUR feelings and wishes too.
Funny how reading the comments we are of many like minds when it comes to the holidays. Secular Christmas is more about Santa and the kids. I think that is what we cling to even as adults..that warm fuzzy feeling we had as children. We are expected to carry that into adulthood. But now in my 60’s I’m sort of over it. My husband and I don’t have children but I have 3 sisters and my dad. We often spent Christmas with just he and I and sometimes my sister came up as she is single. Three years ago I stopped the gift giving when I suggested to my sisters that we each choose a charity and donate to it as our gifts.
If you are Christian, then think of the season of Advent and embrace that. Get an Advent devotional, light a candle, pour a cuppa and do the reading and reflect. The season can be more meaningful if you do this and takes the meaning back to the Source. If you aren’t Christian then find other rituals you can connect with. Just tell your sister you are having a private holiday this year of reflection and restoration. No other explanations needed! Then take steps to plan that "Christmas celebration of one" so you look forward to it. Let us know how it goes and what you do!
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Seek out a Christmas day that will give you peace. It can be simple or complex. Do something nice for those you care about. It can also be simple, just a note and a card. Stay home if you want. Enjoy your day. If your parents require care, do that, visit, then go home. You don't have to meet the expectation of others.
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Oh boy it sounds like you and I are twins. All the same for my family then mom passed ...... everything we knew about holidays were centered at moms .... then dad got dementia and against my dads and my wishes my sister who has POA put him in a memory center. BAM.. there he was locked up... while I was at work. Always begging to go home and I wanted to take care of him at home with an assistant helping me. He was put into that place way to early and my sister isn’t going to let him. We are no longer talking with each other.. my sister isn’t my sister anymore.... and yes you do grieve that parent that’s still alive but not the same....holidays I don’t want them anymore...
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Blannie,
Peace and simple pleasures to you too!
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I have the opposite situation from most of you this holiday season. My mom died in May and my dad died in 2009. I'm not married, no kids. I have one brother in another state who didn't come to see mom in her last seven years. So I will spend a very quiet Christmas and not buy a single present.

The only time I feel badly is when I'm out with friends and they're talking about their husbands, children, grandchildren, and the presents they're buying and parties they're going to with extended family, I always feel different. But I don't feel bad overall and having never married, I'm used to feeling different. :)

I hope you can all find some peace and simple pleasures in this season.
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We stopped driving out of town ON the holiday - 6 hours in the car in the ice and snow and all of us cranky. We attend mass on Christmas eve and have a relaxing little dinner by the tree and my son opens one or two gifts. On Christmas day we attend mass, together make a special midday meal, open gifts when we wake in our PJ's, go for a long cold walk and play board games. Peaceful, enjoying each other.

We make the trip to see extended family a few days the week after Christmas. They are more relaxed and so are we. We still get a lot of flack about not coming ON the day, but if they are pushed, they will admit it is more enjoyable.

Do what YOU want on the holidays. Norman Rockwell holidays never ever did exist.
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Families can be tough. I have some concerns too. I won't go there now (not just about my parents, but, other family members), but, what I have decided to do is to put it on hold. Yes, there are things the siblings need to be aware of. Yes, there are actions that need to be taken, but, I'm waiting until after Jan. 1. to tackle them. Unless, it's urgent, I'm trying to just relax and enjoy the holiday. The sister will have to accept the truth. She probably already has, dad too. They just want to get through the holidays one more year.

I stopped almost ALL gift giving years ago.(Now, I get just for the children and my parents.) It had gotten out of control and was ruining my holiday. I now have a very limited list and it doesn't stress me out.

We moved our Mother's Day and Father's Day celebrations to siblings home years ago and it's fine. The only thing we can be certain of is change.

I am sorry to hear of your mother's decline. It's likely that we all will deal with that, eventually. I hope you find something that can help you feel better. Oh, I know some people who take off and go to the beach for Christmas. Or the mountains.  I think it sounds adventurous. 
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