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In all likelihood, the land will payf for end of life care. The siblings  are hoping to work you to the bone to preserve THEIR inheritance.  Cut and Run
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NancyInSc Jun 2020
"The siblings are hoping to work you to the bone to preserve THEIR inheritance.  "

AMEN
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Is there any possibility of having a reasonable conversation with just your dad or is he so easily manipulated that it would be fruitless? Just wondering if this would be productive before you drop out for good. And no one could blame you for leaving the mess behind and protecting your own mental health. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through
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MMasonSt Jun 2020
Hi,

I have tried a few times in the past when I felt very upset. He promises to talk to my brother, control mom, etc. Nothing happens. I remind him & he doesn’t recall it.

He doesn’t have dementia. He’s afraid of going against my mother’s wishes.

My problem is that it let’s off steam talking to him. I would get sucked back in to caregiving. I’ve gained the strength to finally get off the merry-go-round.
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Run, don’t walk. They will never change, and frankly your peace of mind is priceless, far more than some land. And do not look back.
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I asked in September 2019 - there is no executor of the will and no one is POA of anything. My dad was adamant there was none. I told him what POAs do and told him it was necessary for their own well-being. He could pick either kid. I told him we need to see a lawyer to this. He said I could pay for a lawyer if I wanted it so badly. Don’t know if this is true or my brother is it.

My cousin called my dad and I overheard them talking about it for a minute. I felt it suspicious. I left and returned after the phone call to ask what was going on. My dad told me.

I don’t follow movies, but my brother made it a point a few times he was going to see Knives Out and said he had seen it a few times. He’s a movie junkie & never mentions movies by name he plans to see. I just read the synopsis. This is very weird of him to mention this.
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MountainMoose Jun 2020
"I told him we need to see a lawyer to this. He said I could pay for a lawyer if I wanted it so badly."

Wow, another reason to walk away. Your parents choose to not take an iota of care to make sure their estate and their person can be managed easily. This is a kindness not just to themselves but to their children. To me, for your parents to refuse to get a POA so an agent (you or your brother) can handle their affairs means they either can handle it all themselves or force either of you to go through extreme hassle and expense to get guardianship.

Walk away.
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CTTN55 is correct in asking if you know for a fact that there is a will and if it has now been altered. Who is your parent's DPoA? Perhaps your mom was mentally ill when younger but maybe now she has actual dementia. Is there a medical diagnosis in her or your dad's records? If so and he did change his will after the fact, then the will change could possibly be legally challenged. Do you know who is the executor of the will? Even if there is a will, and it stands as was originally promised, your family will probably contest it. If there's no will their estate (and that property) will go into probate and that's where you can seek equity, if you're up for it. You could contact an attorney to find out what your options actually are, rather than guessing and fretting. The promise of inheritance often drives people to behave badly and make terrible decisions, leaving family as collateral damage along the way. Bad parents use it as a tool to manipulate. You should have a movie night with your brother and cousins and watch "Knives Out", if you haven't already seen it. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart no matter the outcome.
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MMasonSt Jun 2020
Hi, Am not sure you are familiar with borderline personality disorder. She’s had it ever since my earliest memory. She was a total nightmare when I was growing up. She does have some cognitive decline, but the borderline personality symptoms are consistent from 55 years ago.

Thanks for your good wishes. I appreciate it.
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Yes in your case it is perfectly acceptable to walk away.

When you leave today tell them you are no longer able to continue with the two days a week. It is too much for you and you don't appreciate being treated like unpaid help. The removal from the land shows you how much they value you. Not that this is about inheritance, no one is entitled...but to remove you as punishment for not doing more when you are already doing more than enough is just cold. Walk away and have a good life.
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I did it. 3 yrs ago gave up job and friends to live with Mom who was age 90. drove her, cooked for her, shopped, cleaned. She removed me from beneficiary list. Meanwhile my younger bro, who is the biological child, was living near the ocean, buying motorcycle, boat, cars and a truck. He traveled on vaca and did as he pleased without a thought of mom. Then one day when she was 93, he shows up at the her house and says "Mom doesn't like your cooking...I promised Dad I would take care of mom...go back to PA and get your life back," They had been talking behind my back....I was blindsided. I left ASAP.
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Cut and run, and do it fast.

They can't use you unless you allow yourself to be used

Don't let them bully you over an inheiritance.

I'm guessing you're female and they're just trying to impose old sexist beliefs on you.
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"My dad is part owner of some valuable land along with the family of his late brother ( two male cousins). I was promised 25% of it all my life once my dad passes.

I am here with my parents now. Last night I found out my brother and cousins have talked my father & mother into cutting me out. My crime? Not being with them full-time, cutting back to 2 days a week & not helping my mom cook Sunday dinner to serve my brother.

Am outraged. I want nothing to do with them anymore. Tired of the double-standard, tired of my brother’s corrosive envy, tired of my mother’s nasty abuse, & tired of my dad’s implicit acceptance of me being crazy mom’s whipping post."

Was it a verbal promise, or actually in a written will? Who told you your brother and cousins have talked your parents into cutting you out of the 25% inheritance of that land?

You posted back in September 2019: "Every week, I drive and help my parents grocery/Walmart shopping, drive them to the bank, take them to doctor appointments and sit in with the doctor & the parent so I understand their care needs, clean around the house, take them on little drives around the area so they don't get cabin fever, etc.

I have asked my brother to help. He says he will but never shows up. I've asked him kindly to meet with me go to discuss future care and any documents which need to be gone over for parents care. He puts it off.

He needs money from the inheritance. I don't. I do it out of concern but am totally burned out. I can't take care of two elderly people and do my own life.

If he has total POA, then I'm not sticking around. It's really unfair to not be told things. I feel used. "

You've continued to put up with the situation for an additional 8 1/2 months now. If things haven't gotten any better, then it really is okay to cut off contact. Look at it this way -- you have had the burden of parental caregiving for a long time now...they are over 90 years old.

As a daughter with three brothers, my time was also considered worthless (as apparently your parents consider yours). I was very resentful. I ended up being paid by one of the POA brothers (I was not made a POA, even though I was the only local sibling.) And I was given back pay, also. It made me treat the caregiving as a job, and removed a lot of the emotional stuff.

You are right that as a teacher he has plenty of time off to help your parents. He's making excuses that he's so busy, and your parents are falling for it. One of my three brothers was like this -- he was so "busy" that he couldn't see my mother for 23 months...and he was only a few states away!

Please update us as to what you decide. Just one suggestion -- when you say goodbye for good, please tell your parents exactly why.
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My husband cut off contact with his mother after she threatened to report him as abusive for telling her she needed to quit smoking. Walked out and didn't speak to her until she was days from death. He has no regrets.

Live without the craziness. Your mental health will improve, I promise.

Manipulative parents often use inheritances to manipulate.
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