Has anyone cut all contact with aging parents? My 93 year old mom has diagnosed borderline personality disorder & my father has always catered to her crazy behavior. I’ve been the scapegoat kid & my 62 year old brother the golden child. In life, it’s been the opposite. Have done better educationally & financially.
Have been with my parents 2 days a week to help with shopping & dr’s visits. It was 4 days a week for 3 years due to various serious health issues. They are better for now & can manage fairly well. I also cut back because my mom was impossible to be with. Her verbal abuse is horrible.
My home is 40 miles away & my brother 10 miles. He makes every excuse not to help. He has the summer off as a teacher. My mom is fine with his excuses. He stops by for Sunday dinner 2 hrs a week. Mom cooks & he does not even wash his own dishes.
My dad is part owner of some valuable land along with the family of his late brother (two male cousins). I was promised 25% of it all my life once my dad passes.
I am here with my parents now. Last night I found out my brother and cousins have talked my father & mother into cutting me out. My crime? Not being with them full-time, cutting back to 2 days a week & not helping my mom cook Sunday dinner to serve my brother.
Am outraged. I want nothing to do with them anymore. Tired of the double-standard, tired of my brother’s corrosive envy, tired of my mother’s nasty abuse, & tired of my dad’s implicit acceptance of me being crazy mom’s whipping post.
Has anyone simply left never to return? I plan on leaving tomorrow & telling my mom never to call me again.
I feel like a stupid chump for being used & fooled.
AMEN
I have tried a few times in the past when I felt very upset. He promises to talk to my brother, control mom, etc. Nothing happens. I remind him & he doesn’t recall it.
He doesn’t have dementia. He’s afraid of going against my mother’s wishes.
My problem is that it let’s off steam talking to him. I would get sucked back in to caregiving. I’ve gained the strength to finally get off the merry-go-round.
My cousin called my dad and I overheard them talking about it for a minute. I felt it suspicious. I left and returned after the phone call to ask what was going on. My dad told me.
I don’t follow movies, but my brother made it a point a few times he was going to see Knives Out and said he had seen it a few times. He’s a movie junkie & never mentions movies by name he plans to see. I just read the synopsis. This is very weird of him to mention this.
Wow, another reason to walk away. Your parents choose to not take an iota of care to make sure their estate and their person can be managed easily. This is a kindness not just to themselves but to their children. To me, for your parents to refuse to get a POA so an agent (you or your brother) can handle their affairs means they either can handle it all themselves or force either of you to go through extreme hassle and expense to get guardianship.
Walk away.
Thanks for your good wishes. I appreciate it.
When you leave today tell them you are no longer able to continue with the two days a week. It is too much for you and you don't appreciate being treated like unpaid help. The removal from the land shows you how much they value you. Not that this is about inheritance, no one is entitled...but to remove you as punishment for not doing more when you are already doing more than enough is just cold. Walk away and have a good life.
They can't use you unless you allow yourself to be used
Don't let them bully you over an inheiritance.
I'm guessing you're female and they're just trying to impose old sexist beliefs on you.
I am here with my parents now. Last night I found out my brother and cousins have talked my father & mother into cutting me out. My crime? Not being with them full-time, cutting back to 2 days a week & not helping my mom cook Sunday dinner to serve my brother.
Am outraged. I want nothing to do with them anymore. Tired of the double-standard, tired of my brother’s corrosive envy, tired of my mother’s nasty abuse, & tired of my dad’s implicit acceptance of me being crazy mom’s whipping post."
Was it a verbal promise, or actually in a written will? Who told you your brother and cousins have talked your parents into cutting you out of the 25% inheritance of that land?
You posted back in September 2019: "Every week, I drive and help my parents grocery/Walmart shopping, drive them to the bank, take them to doctor appointments and sit in with the doctor & the parent so I understand their care needs, clean around the house, take them on little drives around the area so they don't get cabin fever, etc.
I have asked my brother to help. He says he will but never shows up. I've asked him kindly to meet with me go to discuss future care and any documents which need to be gone over for parents care. He puts it off.
He needs money from the inheritance. I don't. I do it out of concern but am totally burned out. I can't take care of two elderly people and do my own life.
If he has total POA, then I'm not sticking around. It's really unfair to not be told things. I feel used. "
You've continued to put up with the situation for an additional 8 1/2 months now. If things haven't gotten any better, then it really is okay to cut off contact. Look at it this way -- you have had the burden of parental caregiving for a long time now...they are over 90 years old.
As a daughter with three brothers, my time was also considered worthless (as apparently your parents consider yours). I was very resentful. I ended up being paid by one of the POA brothers (I was not made a POA, even though I was the only local sibling.) And I was given back pay, also. It made me treat the caregiving as a job, and removed a lot of the emotional stuff.
You are right that as a teacher he has plenty of time off to help your parents. He's making excuses that he's so busy, and your parents are falling for it. One of my three brothers was like this -- he was so "busy" that he couldn't see my mother for 23 months...and he was only a few states away!
Please update us as to what you decide. Just one suggestion -- when you say goodbye for good, please tell your parents exactly why.
Live without the craziness. Your mental health will improve, I promise.
Manipulative parents often use inheritances to manipulate.