Has anyone just cut & run from crazy, unreasonable parents?

I walked away from my mother last year. She had major depression her whole life. As a young child, my mother was very sickly. She became accustomed to love and comfort through sympathy, and, despite many, many decades of psychotherapy, antidepressants and even shock treatments, she fell into a never-ending cycle of manipulating people to “get” love and attention. I thought for years that if I was just supportive and loving enough she’d be fine. My whole family catered to her every whim. I was taught even by my father that if I was a good girl and did more for her it would help.

Recent extensive psychological evaluations and medical testing have shown my mother to be completely healthy. She is a vibrant, athletic, active 78 year old woman who rides her bicycle to the gym. However, she claims to have multiple medical problems, has had unnecessary surgeries, and spent the last five years feigning Alzheimer’s. Does she really have some other kind of dementia? It’s hard to know for sure. Does she have a fictitious disorder (Munchausen)? She fits the profile, but sadly those personalities don’t want to be diagnosed. Does she manipulate consciously? I don’t know how much is conscious— very little, I’m afraid.

But despite not having all the answers, despite knowing she is utterly miserable and bereft, I walked away. She’s mean. She’s self-absorbed. She’s emotionally and verbally violent. She makes scenes if I don’t do what she wants.

When I refused to let her move in with me she threw a fit in public. This could be attributed to dementia, but she did it when I was six, and it’s consistent with her personality, so it’s not new behavior. So I walked away.

I walked away permanently, gave up my POA, had my name removed from her bank info.

I walked away, despite the fact that others believe I’m selfish, I walked away. BTW, I’m a therapist, and I walked away.

My point is these things are messy, and can be argued from many perspectives, which is exhausting. You are not a bad person. You are entitled to your own life. You shouldn’t put yourself down at all.

It takes tremendous courage to walk away, and the emotions might be messy. Not allowing yourself to be subjected to the unhealthy dynamic is a vote for your own courageous spirit. Besides, you can’t really help other people by allowing them to gang up on you.

My advice is to follow your gut, put “free” signs around their necks and wheel them all out to the curb.

Sending you virtual hugs and support, whatever you decide.

The land your dad owns with 2 of your cousins: His primary residence is usually not considered as a resource should he have to enter a Medicaid state paid bed at a facility IF the need arises. The land, however, would be. So the value of his half of that extra land could possibly be used to pay for his care when he passes. The state will look at his assets at the time of his death and recover the cost of his care. It is possible that all of his share of the land money would be taken back by the state leaving you -0-. If your brother and cousins have come up with a plan to cut you out, what was their plan on dividing the land money when dad passes? Maybe they mentioned they had talked to an elder attorney to set the land up in some kind of trust?? Is it possible they are trying to protect it from possibility of Medicaid recovery, as I mentioned?

If you do nothing about the land and dad passes at home without any state Medicaid expense, you and your brother would end up with 25% each anyway because that is the split of dad's 50% ownership without a will. If dad has a will that leaves everything to both of his kids equally, you still get the same 25% each. What if dad dies before mom?? Does his will leave everything to her? In that case, mom would need a new will to distribute her estate.

For the most part, the sons usually get a bye from mom because mom would never think of asking a son to do some of the things for her that she would ask a daughter to do. That's just how it is. Maybe your conversation needs to be with brother.

If he works during school year, there's just not much he can do during the week, but he can certainly participate on weekends to give you a break. During the summer, you could flip the responsibility so that you cover weekends. Just begin with the fact that your parents have more than one child and you have to work out a better plan. Tell him you are exhausted and dealing with mom is very hard for you - ASK for his help. If nothing else, ask him to take care of errands and dr appts during the summer months. Worst case scenario, he says no.

God bless the child that’s got their own.

I am almost done wrapping up my mom‘s estate. Similar story. I live 800 miles away from my mom my brother lived 15 minutes away. He did nothing to help her for the last five years before she died. The trust leaves 94% of all the proceeds to him. The point is it might not be right it might not be fair, but somehow it is right and it is fair. My brother has got no skill set he’s got no job. He’s in great shape goes to yoga and surfs every day but he is a bum. I assume he will probably go through it in about two years. I will be fine and I will have a pension and my own house. Yes I resent my brother for not helping. But I know that I did the right thing and I helped my mom. You have to be patient.

Wow! I am so sorry to hear that your parents have driven you to the point of no return. Have you shared your feelings with them? I would use "I" statements to minm8ze the defensiveness. For example, I am unable to tolerate your behavior anymore. It hurts me and 8s emotionally and psychologically draining. I don't want to end this relationship, but I feel I have no choice. I would include your brother and cousin in this conversation. Be sure of your decision, can't waffle. You could also trial a break from them prior to ending everything. Maybe consider meeting with a family counselor whose subspeciality is geriatrics. It will be interesting to see if your brother and cousin step up to the plate as caregivers.

Don't do it. I know you might feel used, but you are feeling overwhelm from being mobbed by the family to put you in the role of full time caregiver.... I know also that leaving will make you feel worse once they are gone even if they were BPD and an Enabler. I would however talk to a lawyer about your brother and cousins as soon as possible. Tort Law specialist, as in defamation of character would be a start....They are exterting "undue influence" over your parents (a term you can use with your parents estate lawyer) and I would approach your parents' lawyer but do this all on the hush do not tell other relatives, nor friends... I got a feeling there are more than one in the woodpile of narcissists ...in your life....and you would also attract others you may not be aware of.
A simple half hour call for a free consult will allay a lot of your anguish about your sexist brother, to say the least. I do not know who said what to whom, was it your mother? Can you find out who her lawyer is, and if you can get a copy of the will as soon as possible but from your parent (the more willing one) otherwise, be careful as your brother may have appointed him as Executor, and then he will try to rip you off, if he can get away with it. (a guess only).

Is there any money in the bank from your folks for extra help or if you live in Canada, any government funded personal care workers that can lend a hand? Would your mother agree to hiring extra help and can you get her on a good day to let her know what is wrong with the idea of you being there full time and do not during this conversation mention your brother as her ears will perk and she will shut you down.

Finally, and more strategic is also to do the following, find a mediator for elder care, and ask them to set up a meeting for you and your brother about sharing duties. That will fix his little red wagon, because if he refuses, you can then definitely prove to your parents' estate lawyer that he is abusing you due to your gender stereotypical role...and if he then tries to have the will changed to remove you, (due to his influence on your folks)...well, then you will have a leg to stand on...

Put him in his place....

I gave up and then I went back for a full year working 3 to 4 days for 4 hours each day for a full year till my mother died. I was there at her last breath. I am at peace ...and so is she.

In a dysfunctional family, justice and fairness is our most dep and strongest need...is it fair that you get ousted from the will? No matter if it were even a dollar? No.

I am not materialistic, I am principled. I would caution that like my siblings, they took my mother to the lawyer to remove the original executor (a non sibling) and put herself as an executor, now they are going to sit on the estate as long as they can legally and then disburse. They want to see if I die of covid is my guess...they did a lot of research to see how they can take more than their share, and as I was on a sick leave from work, they thought I was on social assistance and cheshire cat smiled that I would only be privy to $100K from the house.

You might need to get a cease and desist letter against your brother if he is defaming your charectar as a being a "bad daughter"....I bet he is a math teacher...LOL.

Sometimes peace of mind is better than anything else. You should talk a big break let your brother take care of them until school reopen then if you fell like it u go back. Talking to your dad about 25 percent get it in writing let him sign it in front of notary. Also good luck take care of you

I recently ceased all communication with my toxic mom for 30 days. No matter how much I cared or did it wasn’t enough. It is doubtful that any inheritance you might receive is at the cost of your peace of mind. My mom has made her estate into a sword of damacles that hangs over my sister and my head. It’s a very personal decision but I am opting out to save my sanity. Good luck.

I HEAR U loud and clear ...
I have experienced this just in a different configurations.
i am the daughter with my brother being the “golden child”
To make a similar story short ... I HAD to get out of this for my own mental health!
i was their supply to abuse ... after 66 years the light bulb went off and I saw the light . I wanted my life back .. the joy peace and love of my own family that loves me unconditionally!
This has been hard no question but on the other side I DID find my old self .
i have found my peace I found my joy again and my family got me back !
No question I have and would do anything for family except give myself up! Whatever time we have left on earth we need to be true to ourselves .
Be strong and true to yourself that’s all
anyone of us have ♥️

I’m very sorry and sad that this has happened to you. Something similar happened to me, but it was my parents’ decision (not sibling) to give their house ownership over to my sister since she had significant financial problems and since I was in a stable marriage and we owned our house. However, I was the one a few miles from my parents and helping them, while my sister was 3 hours away. They had been assisting her financially for quite a while.

As soon as they told me their plans, I drove over and talked with them and reminded them that family history was repeating itself, as my mother’s brothers got the farm instead of the sisters who cared for my grandmother.

I am hoping that you can gather up your courage and speak with your parents and remind them who is caring for them (you) and who is not caring for them (brother). They must come to terms with that truth and change the plan to cut you out of the will. If they do not, you can do as others here have suggested, to ask your brother to step in for the summer, then have him continue in the fall, winter, spring, etc.

There seems to be quite a few of us who have been in a family dynamic like yours and mine. This life can be very unfair, I will pray that you will have a calm heart and know that we are rooting for you. Please keep us updated. Hugs and love to you. ❤️

If the possibility of an inheritance is the only thing holding you there, just forget about it. Sooner or later they will need more care than you can provide and the inheritance will disappear so fast.

When my mom died in 2003 my dad sold the house for 15xs what he paid for it. He moved into a small apartment that he could easily afford with social security. He had mid 6 figures in the bank. For nearly 10 years he was pretty much self sufficient. Then he had a medical issue and started to decline. Seemed like for two years I was on call 24/7...while raising two kids and working a full time job, I was run ragged. All the time he kept holding my 'inheritance' over my head every time I was called out for a midnight trip to the ER. Then he decided he wanted to go into Assisted Living (I think he thought it would be the same as a trip to the ER...everyone fussing over him). I was starting to set boundaries and he wanted more attention. I knew as soon as he went into AL any idea of an inheritance was out the window. He has been there nearly 4 years. The money is quickly running out. He has no real life, he just exists. It was for the best as I could not keep up with the level of care/attention he needed/demanded/wanted.

Please any of the boundary books by Townsend and Cloud. It seems there are some serious boundary issues with your family. Do so for your own sanity. Realize that the rest of your family may never change.

Families can be the worst! Hard to sort out all the threads of emotion and deal rationally with a situation like this.

You have a right to your outrage. Before cutting and running, though, you might want to consider if the guilt you'll feel later on might be worse than the outrage you feel now. Is there a moderate solution? E.g., an arbitrator you can trust to explain your position and feelings fully and see if your family members can be more understanding? If it were me, I wouldn't trust myself to be able to make that argument; I'd end up screaming and storming out. But maybe an objective voice (a non-relative!) would be more successful. Even if you separated for a while and then were able to write a detailed, dispassionate explanation, you'd be giving arbitration a chance.

It might not work. However, *then* if you cut and run you'll know you did everything possible to find a solution, which will help with the guilt if it descends. It seems to me that the optimal solution is for you to stay in your family's lives but in a position of increased respect and power. You might owe it to yourself to try.

All said, if you need to leave, do it. You're exploding now because of years of abuse. Each of us can take only so much.

Yes, yes, yes. I have cut and run too-if only temporarily-i was spending 10-20 hours per month taking them to dr. office etc. When i cut them off from all extra duty-due to corona mostly. I did enjoy my time off from my crazy parents and lazy brother-sound familiar??? Brother lives closer than me-he has summers off as school bus driver. Does nothing for parents except take their money to support his lazy lifestyle. I had backed myself out of parents business chaos etc.-i had no guilt about this and felt like myself for the first time in years. -except to take dad to dr. office and/or mom do not drive, plus someone else needed to be in the dr. office to confirm meds, follow up appointments, new instructions etc.-which involved 2-3 visits per month. But now they need help with bill pay too. GD did for a while-for pay- but now out of it for corona and new baby. Passed bills to lazy brother along with all the messed up payments or no payments GD "took care of" -yeah right. I have spent every day for the last 2 weeks trying to untangle this mess i have inherited. Mom is surprised GD did not do a good job for her-GD was not monitoring often enough and or carefully in the first place-missing tax payments, charge card, all of it-mom was not able or trusted GD to do everything right as rain. Plus GD got her name on their accounts and could write checks to herself.....i have not told mom how many times bills were not paid, late fees, penalties etc. Lazy brother would have never figured out the mess and/or done anything to resolve without getting paid first. I have already tallied up a big some of money from what I see so far of newly refunded un-used online subscriptions, paying for insurance on a car they do not own-actually gave to selfish brother, refund un-used cell phone service, missing SS payments not set up to receive-I am still not done getting things set up completely. Mom wants me to tally up excess cost they have paid and I will definitely give mom the full story. I wanted to stay out of it but had no choice older brother is taking care of sis-financially in a nursing home-i guess it is now my job to take care of my parents bill pay. if i don't do who knows what madness my mother will do instead-hand over to the mailman, the neighbor or the housekeeper???? I have been thrown under the bus too-other paid helpers including the GD and yard guy were moms best buddies-they always did what ever mom wanted whether it made sense or not. Now, I have to do this for them I have no choice. Once i get thru the messy part of the bills-things should calm down as i can monitor bills online access etc after. Yes, by all means take a break then reconsider the break up from your mother when you have taken care of yourself first. You may decide then you are really done or maybe you can handle a part-time relationship-by setting boundaries and limits with your needs in mind. I have also been on the receiving end of emotional abuse-by mom minimizing the trauma in my life-i told her she was torturing me on top of the initial trauma. She keeps doing but to a lesser degree.

I cut and ran from my narcissist abusive mother - me being the scapegoat child while my two older siblings, her golden children, did nothing to help her leaving it all to me. After I left, my mother went on a campaign to destroy me with every member of our extended family so now I have no one as they believe her lies. I fear our (yours, mine and other scapegoat children) lot is set and there's nothing we can do but move forward as best we can. If it's any consolation, if I read your post correctly, you're successful. Some of us were so damaged, our lives didn't turn out so well. I know your success is not ever going to take away the horrible hurt you have. I'm just trying to come up with something for you as I try for myself. Wishing you peace and happiness.

I once tried a 2 week separation. Mostly for my own well being and mental health. Nothing horrible happened to my parents while we were on hiatus. Perhaps you could try some form of this and let them see how much you already do for them.

Sounds like you tried to do the right thing but the dysfunctional relationship is costing you your mental health. Detach and love them from a distance. Maybe you can use the summer break to find some a caregiver when your brother goes back to work. Finding care is still helping.

So after reading a few of the answers it seems that to stick around would involve a lot of stress for you. If, as you say, you have done better financially and educationally then here's the bottom line. How badly do you need the income that land "might" provide. How much trouble would it be to separate from the whole parcel. Sometimes stipulations say you have to sell as a whole piece.
So overall you don't need the money, they are already plotting against you and Dad is too gutless (sorry but true) to stop the situation.
You COULD end up getting a LITTLE more money but it would be at the cost of your sanity and health. I say let them fight their petty squabbles and you just TAKE CARE OF YOU.

I truly feel for you having a mother with BPD. I will try not to hijack your post here. Wanted to share my MIL has it and treats my husband, her only child, like garbage. I limit my interactions with her because she tries so hard to turn me against him or vice versa. Always a victim. That said, I can only imagine what you are going through.
As a mental health professional and someone who has been through the experience of losing a loved one and then having to deal with a contested estate, I recommend you step away even if only for a little while. How much longer can you deal with all you are dealing with? It is great that you provide care for them despite how they treat you but remember there is a saying that you can't pour from an empty cup. You need to take care of you.

As probably the Most Normal One in my Family---It is left now just DAD Living. Call it Dysfunctional, dear.....I can relate. However, God has been Good to me. I am in NC and my Sister who rarely did Anything to be there for my Family---Is stuck with Sad and Bad Dad now as POA and Executive to the estate and caregiver. Yikes!!!!

Just don't call or come for a week a see what happens. I'm sure your brother will then be the one they call for help. Or they will hire a care aid. You'll see. It's because you are doing it, that's why they are doing it. When your mother talks to you abusively, tell her right then and there that she is being abusive and to stop and if she doesn't, tell her you are leaving. And if she doesn't stop, just abruptly leave. You are taking all this without protesting -- just walking away in that moment, not telling her in that moment she is abusive.

Forget the 25% and just walk away. It's not worth it. This scenario with your parents and brother will only get worse. You deserve a life free of abuse. Especially during the best years of your life. They will find other means without you. You don't think so now, but they will. You deserve better. You matter.

OH my god. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. This thing where families cut each other out of wills is so mean and unnecessary. There is no reason for you to be punished, and you know that you've been a caring daughter.

You have to take care of yourself, and you can only deal with so much. Leave, but don't tell your mom to never call again. Leave yourself and them some space. Cut back or just don't go, for now.

If you feel like going in the future, you can. Your brother is the stupid chump and you know that. All you can say to yourself is that you did the right thing, and you know it. I think they all know it too.

Have you noticed it is almost always the daughter? I got sick of the double standards too - from both my parents. They have you right there aswell. The power to use and abuse because we will always feel vulnerable, as we did as children. Then there is the social and cultural expectations and our ingrained sense of duty and loyalty. There is no getting around it though, some people do not deserve daughters like us and some siblings just don't care.

I get the pain. My brother is the golden child and me ...I have always been the “kid” who mom felt had a bad life style despite a 30 year medical clinical career...supporting myself and raising a great daughter! She had a life manual??....one she never shared. There were rules for women but none for men. She hated I divorced an abusive male after 20 yrs.....felt I should have stayed like she did with my dad...she was jealous I was happy {has actually told me it is abnormal to be happy all the time}...it goes on and on..My mom also has a history of mental disorder. I stuck it out..I helped her the past two years while the golden one vacationed with a gal pal south. Just recently mom became paranoid, delusional...ended up in the hospital with a recommendation of memory care due to severe dementia. She had made me POA a few years ago....so I had her placed in a lovely home. I visit mom as allowed during Covid..Life is not always fair...I plan to do the right thing...Joyfully get her to her finish line with or without help... ....

Hate to be like this but if you know legally that the land/money is yours and you want to hang in there for that, fine. Otherwise I'd leave the situation.

I did . I told my mother to stop calling . She accused me of stealing her belongings after my siblings hired a roll off and threw them all away in front of her eyes. I refused to help and stayed home but of course got the blame . I also got the calls when she was sick, wanted to go out, needed something but I found a nice assisted living for her and that’s where she went. She was safe, cared for and I talked to her a couple of time in the last two years of her life. For that she hated me but that was her choice. I had given her plenty of warnings that her behavior was wrong and unacceptable and the outcome if she continued but she chose to continue. Fortunately for me, my mother would never disinherit me ( way too public of an announcement showing her failure as a mother lol) and the majority of her assets she had in a bank account my daughter co owned with her so narcissistic sister couldn’t steal it all either. So now she’s compensating me for her years of cruelty. Not an even swap but at least something

This may seem a bit gutless, but I’d suggest that you do what you need to do without burning bridges unnecessarily. Just say that you won’t be able to continue with the jobs, answer the phone with ‘Sorry I have to go’, don’t visit, and let actions speak rather than words. If things do change in the future (unlikely but always possible), you won’t have a mountain of bitter anger to get over.

Tell brother you are taking off the Summer. That he can take those two days over to help Mom and Dad. When September (in my State) comes around tell him you have enjoyed your time off so much, that you won't be coming back. Oh and thank you for being such a loving brother by trying to keep you from inheriting for not doing anything for Mom/Dad. Hopefully, he has seen how much you did do.

I am curious about the land. I know my Dad would happily stop me from inheriting my grandmother's property and let my brother inherit 100%, but the property is in a testamentary trust and Dad cannot change the terms of it.

How was it decided originally that your cousins, your brother and you would inherit it in equal portions? Did your grandparents set that up in their wills?

What is the plan for the valuable property? If you get your share, how will you get your value out of it?

BPD is so challenging and I cannot imagine being raise by someone with it and dealing with it into your 60's.

You do not owe Mum or Dad any of your time. I would sit down with Dad and let him know that due to the lack of respect from him, Mum and your brother for your time, that you can no longer provide any support. Let him know that cutting you out of the Will was the last straw. Document the meeting by recording audio, you may need it if your brother calls APS or when they die and the you have to contest the Will.

Also keep records of your brother's comments out Knives Out, it is a funny movie a bit of a spoof on Agatha Christie type Mysteries. The gist of the movie is an Author has propped up all his family for years and cuts them all out of the Will. A reversal of your situation, where you are propping up your parents with no support from anyone.

There are a lot of amoral people in the world. Your family dynamics tells me you are not in that group just because you are able to contemplate walking away.

You are not a stupid chump - bad people just happen to be very good at hurting others.

I wish you peace with your decision to walk away.

If this is the thank you that you are receiving for all you have done then no one in their right mind will hold it against you.

Be sure and tell daddy dearest that HIS actions did this, so stuff the FOG poopie. Oops, I meant poppie, but I am going to leave the typo, it fits the situation 😁.