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My mother decided to stop working at the age of 57 with the expectation that her children (4) will support her. The reality is that she has lived between one of my brother's home and mine since, in between she fought cancer 3x, the last 10 years she was completely healthy. I found her a job that she worked for 6 months, then COVID happened. She's always had excuses for not working, meanwhile cries and complains that she's in the middle (of my husband and I and my bother and his wife). My brother married and had a baby, so did I. She helped me with my baby while I worked from home but quit after we had an argument due to her constant criticism and negativity. She continued to live with us while we paid for a nanny to help me with my baby. I had to change jobs and take on more responsibility so I could afford the nanny. Also, she presents and appears sweet but she's negative and very judgmental, my husband has figured her out and is done. He feels we have been used and is resentful that we have to live like this. We have contemplated divorce, but we love each other and our fights are because of my mother. I can't admit to him that I'm also resentful, I want to live my own life, she's so critical of me, my husband, my home, nothing is ever good enough. The worst part is that after being healthy for 10 years, she is fighting cancer again for the fourth time. I feel trapped, what can I do?

You should be resentful. Your mother has basically disrupted your life for far too long. And the sad thing is you've allowed and enabled it. That is on you.
BUT...there is hope. You and hubby sit down and have an honest discussion on how you're feeling(how can you have a good marriage if you can't be honest with each other on how you're feeling?), and then include your mother in the discussion. Tell her that this situation is no longer working for you and your family and that she's going to have to figure out where she goes from here, as she can no longer live in your house ever again.
And while I'm sorry that your mother has cancer again, that is NO excuse for you to have to continue letting her live with you.
She can move into an assisted living facility if she truly needs some daily help, or she can find an apartment on her own and hire the help she may need along the way.
You took your marriage vows with your husband, not your mother. You owe her NOTHING!!!
But you do owe your marriage and husband everything.
So get your priorities in order and get your mother out of your house sooner than later.
Time to put your big girl panties on girlfriend and do what's best for you, your husband and your marriage.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to funkygrandma59
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Please admit the truth to your husband, he will be relieved to hear your realization and support of him. Guilt is the most useless of emotions, you’ve done nothing wrong here, other than enabling a woman who should have lived her own life. There’s still time for her to do so. Meet with your brother, along with your husband, and state mom will no longer be living in your home. If brother wants her, fine, if not a new plan needs to be found. This should be on mom, but she may require help to find low cost senior housing. This has ruined a mother daughter relationship, not your fault, but if there’s any hope of restoring it, that will only come by not living together. Take courage and let mom know that time has come, without apology
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Your moms been grooming and controlling you and everyone around you for a very long time.

She is a narssasist and wants everything her way. When you don't raise your children the way she wants you to she pouts and makes your life harder

You're husband put up with it this long, he sounds more like a saint. No wonder he is frustrated. This is especially hard on your children. They didn't ask for this!

The cancer thing does put a twist on things, but may make it easier to get your mom placed if she can't take care of herself.

Personally I'd sell the house and move my husband and children far away from all this disfuction.

No one is stuck , there is always a way out.

Best of luck
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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