He is 90. He is recovering from a broken spine. He once had a stroke while driving and drove across a sidewalk and almost went through a plate glass window. At his best, he was swerving into other lanes, and sometimes going up on the curb. When we mention it, he flies into a rage.
One thing that did help Dad swallow the bitter pill not driving was that 1) we let him keep his lic. so technically he still can drive. 2) we take him for a drive as often as possible in his car that he loves. Especially taking him for a drive makes him happy.
Is it possible to find a geriatrician who might help? I think that this is a specialty area that understands the changes in response time as well as the importance of the words, "the doctor said..." In the meantime, it is worth getting the letter sent to the DMV. At least then process is started. Also, consider talking to the Orthopedist's nurse. Sometimes the doctor responds better to a discussion "off-line" where the patient is not in the room. The same is true for the car dealership. Dad's mechanic would take his time fixing the car once we had talked about the danger of Dad's driving.
You could talk to the dealership and seek their help with your concerns.
If he can afford a Lexus can he afford a cab when he needs to go out or something more upscale with a chauffer? Talk to the police they may have suggestions also as suggested his insurance company. my husband as a student owned an old wreck and his parents lived in an upscale neighborhood so wanted it gone. Surprise one night it was stolen! FIL never admitted any involvement
But on another point, eliezering, you state your dad swerves, drives up on the curb, and almost went through a plate glass window? He flies into a rage and is irrational? Deal with the rage and his irrationality, and be the rational adult here and do whatever it takes to get him off the road! The way I see it, and this may sound harsh, is that should he injure or kill anyone, it is you who would be just as responsible because of your inaction.
Doctors may be mandated to notify DMVs for some diagnoses, but probably not for a condition they consider temporary. If the orthopedist thinks Dad may be able to drive again in a couple of weeks he is only looking at the effects of the injury he is treating -- not Dad's skills and competencies.
So, write to the DMV yourself. List specific examples of how it is not safe to drive. If it takes a while, at least get the clock ticking as soon as possible. I like pstiegman's idea of copying the insurance company. I'm not sure how they might respond, but it couldn't hurt.
My husband's geriatrician, a very kind woman, said "I'm sorry but I am required to report your dementia to the state, and they will cancel your driving license." (I don't know whether it was MN state law or the doctor's conscience that "required" her to do this, but I'm very glad she did.) Within a couple of weeks we got the letter revoking his license. To my husband, this was the absolutely worst thing about having dementia. He mourned his beloved special edition Miata for at least a year. He was depressed about not being able to drive. But he had enough cognition to realize that the risks weren't just his own. At one visit he asked the doctor if she would let him drive if he passed the test. She said yes, if he passed the test she would write to the DMV. Of course that never happened. He clearly could not drive.
Your situation is different, eliezering, because Dad doesn't have a diagnosis that would automatically disqualify him from driving. Sigh. This is soooo hard for you. Thank you for fighting this battle and trying to protect others on the highways. It is a pretty thankless task as far as relationship with your father goes, but know that others support you and appreciate your efforts.
I strongly believe in picking your battles. This battle is worth having.
My 89 yo dad gave up driving as the result of an amputation to his driving foot and being wheelchair bound. For 3 years he talked about driving again. I made a point of making sure he had a life and was not stuck in the house all week. Fridays I stayed at his house. Saturday mornings I took them to breakfast and errands (including mine), Saturday evenings were mine. Sunday afternoon lunch and casino trip. Occasionally, I threw in a weekend getaway. When he would ask about getting a car, I would say, well I guess you don't want to spend so much time with me.....emotional blackmail ? Perhaps, but it worked. I avoided driving past car dealerships because he would quote the car ads and ask me to take him to buy a new car, I would change the subject and ask him what he wanted to do for fun the following weekend. Not everyone is in a position where they can or want to give up a weekend and host their parents. I made it work and used it to provide mom a bit of respite and entertainment as well. This was my way of helping while mom bore the brunt of the day to day caregiving.....the really hard stuff.
Dad passed last year, mom no longer wants to drive at 81. She really could physically, but is not feeling confident. This will make her a little more dependent, but we will figure that out. Today, we sold her car.
1. Be respectful: For many seniors, driving is an integral part of independence. Many older adults have fond memories of getting a driver’s license. At the same time, don’t be intimidated or back down if you have a true concern.
2. Give specific examples: It’s easier to tune out generalizations like “You just can’t drive safely anymore.” Instead, outline concerns that you have noticed, such as “You braked suddenly at stop signs three times the last time we drove.”
3. Find strength in numbers: If more than one family member or close friend has noticed, it is less likely to be taken as nagging. A loved one may also listen to a more impartial party, such as a doctor or driving specialist.
4. Help find alternatives: The person may be so used to driving that they have never considered alternatives. You can offer concrete help, such as researching transportation options or offering rides when possible. If your family member is reluctant to ask for help, it can lead to isolation and depression.
5. Understand the difficulty of the transition: Your loved one may experience a profound sense of loss having given up driving. Don’t dismiss their feelings but try to help with the transition as much as possible. If it is safe, try slowly transitioning the senior out of driving to give them time to adjust. For example, your loved one may begin the transition by no longer driving at night or on the freeways. You could also try the shuttle service to specific appointments, such as the doctor’s.
If he still refuses to give up the keys -
Sometimes an older driver has to be stopped from driving over their objections. It might feel very difficult for you to make this call, especially if the senior is a parent or other close figure used to having their independence. However, their safety and the safety of others must come first. An unsafe driver can seriously injure or kill themselves or others.
If appropriate evaluations and recommendations have been made, and no amount of rational discussion has convinced the driver to hand over the car keys, then you may make an anonymous report to your state’s Department of Motor Vehicles (in the U.S. or Canada) or talk to the person’s physician about your concerns. In some cases, there is a need to take further actions such as taking away the car keys, selling or disabling the car, and enlisting the local police to explain the importance of safe driving and the legal implications of unsafe driving.
It's bad enough with an elderly mother: I got lucky this year because her insurance renewal came at exactly the right time for me to warn her that if she didn't disclose her recent medical conditions she'd void her policy, and if she did she would be refused insurance: better to "suspend" the policy "until she got better" than to risk never being able to get insurance again… God, I felt such a weasel. But at least it saved face.
I'm not sure if this would work for you, because I don't know if the motor insurance laws in the US are the same as they are here in the UK, where it's illegal to drive on a public road without at least 3rd party cover and we're so closely supervised by CCTV and automatic number plate recognition that you'd never get away with it for long. On the other hand, if your Dad is driving as he is and he's not even insured..??!!! All the more reason to hide the keys. Or hire a bulldozer and crush the car, come to that.
The trouble is - sorry, I seem to be doing an awful lot of stereotyping but it's based on observation - that when you criticise a man's driving you criticise his very being. Add that to the loss of independence and you're asking your father to swallow a very bitter pill indeed.
But Jeanne is still right. Whatever it takes. Do the dirty deed and then hide until his wrath is spent. Good luck!
Write to the DMV, reporting that he is a risk behind the wheel.
Hide his car keys.
Do whatever you have to do, but get him off the streets! Enduring his rages is insignificant compared to enduring the guilt you would feel if he kills himself and takes an innocent pedestrian with him.