My FIL moved in with us nearly two years ago. I was reluctant to say yes but it’s the only parent my precious wife has left so I agreed. He's very overweight, depressed (I think), poor, entitled (he thinks people should do everything for him), self-centered, can't seem to tell the full truth even on basic questions (it’s so strange), and his best quality is one of his worst, he's kind (until he has some ignorant opinion on varying subjects) but he won’t SHUT UP. He will ramble on and on and on even if no one is listening.
We had just bought a new first time house and a few months later we moved him in. It was all fine in the beginning, we were working on the house and staying busy so his annoyances were only slightly annoying in the beginning. As time continued and things settled down I started to notice more and more what a disrespectful, worthless (I know, Harsh) slob and pest he is. He would camp out in our living room just talking and talking and talking about nothing and giving his ignorant opinions, and trying to get my wife to cater to him (he knew from the start I wouldn't cater to him). Wouldn't shower, never helped with dishes, awful diet, never took out the trash, would be blaring the TV and music constantly, never did any physical activity. Just a fat blob taking up space. All the while he's just blabbering on about how's he going to get in shape and start walking and eating better, blah blah. I take my word very seriously, so I expected him to actually follow through on some of these ambitions. NOPE.
So probably about 9 months in I told my wife I've had enough, while I'm home he's to stay in his room Monday - Thursday, I can hardly stand to look at him anymore. Oh and I forgot to mention my wife has been pregnant for about 5 of these months already. Anyways, he obeys for a while and makes more and more promises how he's going to do better, blah blah and my wife always believes him. It’s the craziest thing, she will scold him and he will just deflect and tell her how much he loves her.
There's a lot more occurrences and instances than I have space for in this forum but needless to say my wife was scolding him one day trying to get him to clean up his room, which is absolutely disgusting, and is connected to our living room so if the door is open you can smell the odor. And he says something along the lines of "What happened to my beautiful, sweet, compassionate, loving daughter. This is not the woman I raised". I almost LOST IT ON HIM. But I didn't, and told my wife to relay to him that we are not on a speaking basis, I'm done with this a** hole. And when I'm done I'm done. Fast forward about a month later, he keeps trying to have conversations with me and coming out of his room when outside of our designated times, so I absolutely come unglued on him one day. A lot of profanity and I tell him Monday - Saturday when I’m home, you stay in your room and you and me are done. The only thing I want to hear come out of your mouth is "how was your day". Well as you probably know he keeps disrespecting my rules and her rules so every now and again I will snap on him. We tried to get him to move out but it was going to be too expensive with the baby.
Now to the point. I hold true to my word so basically I just don't interact with the guy, almost ever. If he tries to start a conversation I basically ignore him. I could see where this would be hurtful, but that is the point, no one else is holding him accountable, so this is my form of punishment and coping. I loathe this person. My wife will tell him how disrespectful he is to his face, but whenever I address him she sometimes takes up for him even if it’s contradictory to what she said to his face. This has caused some huge fights and its really starting to take a toll on both of us. I just want to be left alone and for him to follow the rules, but she thinks the rules are unfair. I think they are perfectly fair. Any advice on how to better handle the situation?
Sit down with your wife and calmly tell her this living situation is not working out anymore with her father. That it's very important to raise your child in a peaceful environment where she won't grow up like I did, with anxiety and stomach issues due to the ongoing histrionics in my home. You and your wife OWE this to your child, while you owe her dad nothing.
Help him find a room to rent elsewhere, where he can do as he pleases but be treated in a decent fashion. My BIL rented a motel room with a tiny kitchenette and was quite happy smoking and doing his own thing in there, not pestering anyone in the family who'd had enough of him.
Good luck.
If your FIL is so poor as you say, he would qualify for subsidized housing. If he's as gross as you describe him, he won't mind living somewhere nasty.
Now, your wife is the one disrespecting you. If she takes up for him in front of you and you need to put her in her place with that crap yesterday. I've had two husbands and I will tell you something. If either one of them ever contradicted me or took someone else's side on something in front me, that would be it. I would never do that myself either. If one spouse has something to say to the other or a bone to pick, that gets done in private.
Your FIL is disrepsecting you, his daughter, and your home. He doesn't clean up his room?
You clean it. Pack his nasty stuff up in garbage bags and throw it on the curb. You've got a baby coming. You can't have a gross and unsanitary home.
You may actually have to legally evict him. If you don't want him there and he refuses to leave, he will have to be forced to. It's not your fault he's a disgusting slob who's depressed. He's depressed because he's a digusting slob. That's on him and he's the only one who can help himself.
Your wife and you have to stop enabling his lifestyle and get him evicted from your home. He can pay his $600 a month and be a boarder in someone else's home. Though I don't think his filthy and disgusting habits will be tolerated for very long.
Please, go to the courthouse and have him served with legal eviction papers.
You can't stand him - he gets on your nerves and you find him annoying. But I bet he's useful to you on the day he pays you the monthly $600.
To be honest, the way you're speaking about him says more about you than about him. Just kindly discuss plans with your wife to help him with next steps - do it constructively so it's productive - make it positive...maybe he needs some support in this, and your wife should be proactive and look into other options with him on places to live. It's clear that he shouldn't be living in your house. It's long enough.
And with all the times you're calling him a fat slob, obviously he's having a hard time getting started with exercising - if you belong to a gym or have exercise equipment at home, would it hurt to encourage him and join him?
I wonder how he feels about having a son-in-law like you. It must be disappointing.
All that cursing, yelling and screaming isn't going to solve the situation. That is just as bad as spinning your tires in the mud and getting deeper and deeper.
I would seek counseling for myself. Since you are so pi$$ed, I wouldn't even tell my spouse. She has enough with the pregnancy and her ill dad. The counseling is to help you to calm down so that you can think more rationally.
Sounds like you need a couple days away from that situation just to get some breathing room. If it gets so bad, get yourself a hotel room and a hotel with a pool.
All three of you may very well be right.
You may have rules for FIL that to you are completely reasonable and appropriate.
Your wife may be correct that your rules are not all reasonable and appropriate.
Neither of those things matter one whit if your FIL is not going to follow rules no matter how reasonable and appropriate they are.
Truth: this situation is not working and in a family (which consists of you, your wife and your child), if things are not working for everyone, they need to be reevaluated and changed. You may need help with this or you and your wife may be able to agree to push the reset button all by yourselves.
There may or may not be a compromise here but if you continue this way, your wife’s rage and lack of respect is going to grow to match your own - but will be directed toward YOU.
Good luck getting her to consider your side after that.
Tell her you love her. Apologize for letting your anger get the best of you. Tell her you cannot continue living like this. Ask her if she would be willing to look at options for restoring your family.
Ask her to read this thread so she can get some other perspectives.