I need help - I'm so burned out, torn, and confused that I can't even make a decision. I've been caring for my dad post-stroke for 7 months. I have 2 brothers - one who doesn't give a crap about dad, the other is a controlling bully who wants the best for my dad and doesn't care if it is at my expense. This brother and I are trying to plan for dad's future.
I have been across the country, away from my home, husband, and job (I'm on disability post surgery) for most of these 7 months. I went home 3 times for a total of 16 days. My husband is emotionally abusive at times, and a great guy about to turn into an abusive guy all the other times. We were not on the best terms before all this happened, but we had a stable life together. My husband has never been supportive when it comes to situations where his needs are being neglected, so he has been enraged from day 1 of me flying to be with dad. Right now he is packing up my stuff, changing the locks, letting my exotic reptile collection die off, and telling me he's parking my car in a parking lot to get it towed. I am trapped here with the virus lockdown-nothing I can do-seeking a lawyer.
My dad has financial resources, so when he was released from the hospital in December, we put him in the best skilled nursing facility we could find. Dad is a 200# man, now with hemiplegia - I witnessed the caregivers almost drop him several times. CNAs by law here can't lift more than 35 lbs so no one wanted to try to get him up - PT/OT was a joke. Dad had dysphagia/a feeding tube, but the staff often almost accidentally fed him. The facility decided it was unsafe to transfer/shower dad, so he got only bed baths for a month before we decided he was going to die if we kept him in a facility. We flew him to a stroke rehab hospital and kept him there for 8 weeks. Now he is stronger and I am able to transfer him, toilet him, groom him, dress him, change diapers, etc, all by myself.
We hired 24 hour care when we returned from the stroke rehab hospital to dad's home 2 months ago. We realized we had the same problem as at the care facility - someone was going to drop / otherwise neglect him. Dad needs to live with a family member to watch over/assist his caregivers to prevent physical/financial harm coming to him.
The biggest problem with this is Dad moved away from all of us when he and mom divorced and he refuses to live near any of us now. So he wants to stay here - which means either a nursing home or 24/7 care with a family member supervising.
My brother is pressuring me to be the family member who gives up life (1 year, 2, 5 10?) to stay with dad. I have health issues and I am pretty shaky right now. If I keep doing this I am going to ruin my body. With the coronavirus outbreak, we discontinued the caregivers two months ago and I'm doing it all myself.
My brother is running the business and he stands to make a lot of money if I am the caregiver and he doesn't have to be. We have an aunt who may be willing to be a paid caregiver for dad, but we aren't sure we trust her judgment. My brother guilts me saying that if I stay here to care for dad I'll be financially set. But I want my job and life back. I am required to be back at work in two months or I'll lose my job. I've lost my marriage. I am 50 - how will I recover my life if I stay here?
My brother wants a house for us all to live in - and me to do all the work. I'm tired. I don't know how to even make a decision. I feel alone, anxious, trapped, and used. If I go home and leave dad in my aunt's care, I would feel guilty for leaving dad and I'd worry she can't care for him as well as I do. If I go home my support system is a lot less now that my husband is doing god knows what, I haven't talked to friends for months and I have to find a new place to live. I don't want to start a new life here, especially one that limits my living. Please tell me how you've coped with situations like this and made decisions. I need advice and hope.
Call your local police department back home and report what your husband has threatened to do with your possessions and car. Report him to your local SPCA for animal abuse for the reptiles and if any have survived have them surrendered. Have the police accompany you to the family home to retrieve your possessions. I am not sure what the laws are in your state, but here I had to rights to 50% of everything we owned, as well as 50% of his debts (I had no debt).
I would expect that your brother that has nothing to do with Dad has put up boundaries. You need to go this too. Stop asking how high when Dad, hubs or brother tell you to jump.
You are not responsible for Dad's care, period. You are not responsible for doing your brother's bidding.
6 years ago, when I was 48 my life turned upside down. It had nothing to do with caring for parents, but let me tell you I had a complete mental breakdown, my marriage ended (this happened first), I had to go on medical leave, I discovered I could not trust my mother as far as I could throw her, my daughter had a drug overdose follow by 2 suicide attempts. All of this in 6 months. I was reeling. I did not think I would survive.
But I did, I decided that I could only focus on me, I got counseling, I made plans to go back to school and yesterday would have been my Uni graduation ceremony.
And just as I put my life back together you can too. But you must make yourself the focus, not Dad, not pets, not your hubby nor brothers.
Airlines are flying, trains are running as are busses. Get back in touch with your friends back home. Send a text or short email, pick up the phone and call. Call the woman's shelter or WAVAW organization and find out what resources are available to you in the short term.
Ask your friends who have gone through divorce who their lawyer was and who their ex had, would they hire them again? I did this when I got 2-3 good recommendations regarding one lawyer I called and booked an appointment, my 30 minutes free consultation ran for 1.5 hours.
Go back to work. Get settled in your new life as a single woman responsible for only you.
What's the job? Can you live comfortably on its income?
Your description of your husband does make me wonder why you would be so keen to return to your marriage. Realistically, have you felt this way for a long time, or has his response to the family crisis changed your perspective?
Again, if you don't mind my saying so, you do seem to have rather a lot of rather controlling people in your life: father (his way or the highway), brother (ditto), husband (ditto, with spiteful bits). What shape would YOU like to see the next 1-5 years taking?
Let's put you first, for a change. You need: gainful employment/an income; a secure home; boundaries that protect your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. What do you need to do to get those in place FIRST? - then you can move on to what you can contribute to your father's care plan. Hint: not living with anyone who is in the habit of forcing decisions on you would be a good start.
You have allowed yourself or been bullied into the belief that you and only you can keep your father safe and well. To prove to yourself that this cannot be true, imagine that your disability or your stress levels or some unforeseen event take you out of the picture: what would happen? I'm sure that the quality of care you provide for him is excellent, and that is one advantage of your being present, but you yourself identify that there are other significant benefits - to him, and to your brother, but not at all to you. All you get out of it is relief from guilt, at the cost of all of your own interests.
Who doesn't trust your aunt's judgement, and about what? It strikes me that the key difference between her and you is her clear-headedness on the point of money.
You should also have equipment to better help you and more safely care for your dad. A Sit To Stand or a Hoyer Lift would make transferring him so much easier. (since he has strength and can walk a Sit to Stand would probably be the easiest)
2. You should have a WRITTEN caregiver contract.
This should be detailed and you should have it for a limited time so the contract can be reviewed and changed if you continue with this JOB. The salary you get should be "legal" where taxes are taken out so it does not disrupt your SS quarters and so that you are not hit at the end of the year with taxes you have to pay. And the contract should allow for increased wages as or if he declines and needs more help. "Room and board" are NOT payment and are not your salary. And there should also be other caregivers that come in and relieve you. One person can not work 24/7/365. Besides that would not be legal either.
And this #3 probably should have been at #1 spot.
3. You need to talk to someone about YOU. Do you really want to return to a man that is "emotionally abusive" and I don't get this..."a great guy about to turn into an abusive guy all the other times." A "great guy" does not turn into an abusive one. Go home and get your car and drive back to your dads. (or have a friend get it and your stuff and drive it to you. ) This does not sound like a marriage that I wold want to stay in, it does not sound healthy. And I have to say when I read the "headline" on this post my first thought was that your primary responsibility once you are married is your family, your husband, your children but as I read on I no longer felt that way, your primary responsibility is to YOURSELF and if you have children to them. Staying in an abusive relationship is not healthy for you and not healthy for your children if you have any. (sounds like your brother is a lot like your husband if he is the bully you indicate..is your dad the same? )
Sorry probably should not have gone here....
I really feel for you. Not knowing your personality, I can only tell you what I do when life comes bearing down on you hellbent on breaking you.
Slice things out of your life. All of us carry things we don’t actually need, or responsibilities we put on ourselves that are not actually our responsibility. So I ask myself — what here is unnecessary, harmful, unhelpful or otherwise rotten?
First, your marriage. Based on what you’ve written, you’re married to a horse’s a££. Slice him out. What you had may have been “stable,” but it was a stable pile of dung if it’s as unsupportive as you make it sound. If your partner in life can’t be there for you at your worst times — you don’t need that partner. He’s making life heavier/worse for you than if he didn’t exist at all. Whether or not he is actually doing those things, I’d get myself back right now to go get my car, my stuff, and drive right on back. That’s step one — he’s out.
Second: One brother doesn’t care, the other is up to something suspect, and you’re stuck with it all. The one who doesn’t care can go pound sand. Done. The one who is manipulating you appears to have some kind of control (financial or otherwise). Once you’re back with your things in tow, you need to sit down and figure out who has what and is entitled to what with Dad alive and with Dad dead in the future. In writing. I wouldn’t trust him....
Third - “perfect” care doesn’t exist, not without millions. I’m a big believer in caring for your parents but (1) it can’t kill you or else it’s a moot point. You get no awards losing your mind trying to provide perfect care. You retaining your life and sanity with imperfect care for your parent is much more preferable — can we agree on that?
If nursing homes are an option financially, start researching all of them. You need one that is clean, accessible to you from where you plan to live where you (and the suspicious brother) can oversee care. You’ll have to do your duty and your part — but anything beyond that is not your sole responsibility.
And floating atop all this is YOU.
What city/state (within reason) would you like to live in? Why? Doing what job, ideally? What makes you happy? And how much of this overlaps with where Dad can be? (Where he wants to be is secondary — and irrelevant — to where he *can* be for the two children to oversee his care.)
Find the middle ground here. I mean, you can’t move to Madrid to be a painter just because you’ve always dreamt of it with absolutely no talent in it, but Dad can’t keep you locked down (figuratively and literally at this point) just because he needs you when he’s clearly unable to care for himself. Go spend a few days in a hotel writing it out, thinking, crying, sleeping, binging on TV. Make a list.
But I’d start with putting your dad into a care facility. I wouldn’t pay a family member to care for him. It’s easier paying a stranger and dictating his quality of care. Sell his home, use his assets to help him and yourself to get settled to orient your new life around what you want and providing him care and the oversight required to get him the best care.
You can’t know what to do until you know what you WANT or wear you want to be headed. OK, you’re 50 — not better than 30 to start over but way better than 70. Nothing can be done about that. But use this tortuous time to rebuild the way YOU want without anyone dictating the terms.
And stop letting these men dictate how YOU live! You decide that and then THEY need to make adjustments in order to keep you in their lives in the capacity required.
But step one is pretty clear (to me): get rid of the waste of space you’re calling your husband....not on his terms, but yours. You’ve now been shown that when you need him, he’s not a help but an anchor hellbent on drowning you. Cut it off.
Forgive my bluntness...reading between the lines I can't help but get the feeling you went from an abusive childhood home into an abusive marriage. Unfortunately, for children that are abused by their parents, it becomes the norm. That you recognize your husband is abusive will be extremely helpful for the next steps I hope you will take.
You need way more help than you can get from an online forum. You need to think very seriously about seeking professional help for yourself so you can break this heartrending cycle you're stuck in. By all means, come here for venting and cheering, but we can't give you the kind of help you deserve. And make no mistake. You deserve way better than you're getting from any of the "men" in your life - husband, father and brother.
There are resources out there to help you, many at low/no cost. Once you reach out, there will be kind, professional people with the information and resources to help you.
For once you need to put yourself and your needs ahead of anyone else's, including your children... because if you continue on this path you will be teaching them that abuse is not only ok, but the norm. You don't want to set them up to continue in this cycle.
Please, please start this today. I won't lie and tell you it will be easy, but it will be worth it.
I wish you nothing but good things.
Why aren't you the paid caregiver? Financially set? In home care is very expensive and you should be paid now. Wait until dad passes there may be nothing left. Then what?
There is nobody in this world that will be able to care for dad the way you do. Some of us actually convince ourselves of that. Get paid for what you are doing. Even one month will give you something so you can figure out where YOU want to go from here.
a) I need help
b) I have health issues and am pretty shaky right now.
c) If I keep doing this I’m going to ruin my body
d) I’m burnt out, torn and confused
e) I don’t want to start a new life here, especially one that limits my living
Let me be real clear here. YOU HAVE ANSWERED YOUR OWN DILEMMA.
You are a human being with a brain, a heart, a soul, emotions, and her OWN life to live. You have permission to live your life. That right was given to you the day you were born & it doesn’t change just because others think it should.
Dad ... and what he wants ... he’ll adjust. And of course, nobody will care for him as well as you do, but please go back and re-read letters
”a” through “e.”
As for the husband? Sorry to say, he’s not worth your time. Move on. A person who really cared about you would be supporting you, not packing up your things. Buh-bye.
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