Mom and dad have always fought since I can remember. They been together 50 years. Dad is losing memory quickly, he is a veteran and yet to get any diagnosis. It’s hard just to be in their presence with all their fighting. Mom saying he is running red lights and almost getting into car accidents every day. She offers to drive and he flips out on her. She reminds him to take his donzapil he yells. Growing up in this home environment took a toll on me, leading to risky behavior later into substance abuse. I have been in recovery now for eight years. Employed, father of two teens and married to wife of 23 years. I don’t have my parents over to our house often nor do we go to their house as a family. Due to their drinking and fighting. Lately, it’s seems all their life choices are catching up with them. Financially (running out of money) emotionally broken towards each other. I’m struggling how to help them with many of life’s issues. Going to talk to dad tomorrow about his driving and discuss him to stop driving. Thanks if you took the time to read this . Just feeling confused
I got sober for 9 years in 1992 before falling off the wagon for 7. Every time I had to deal with my mother, I wanted a drink (or 20), a bag of junk food and a cigarette (or 20) to calm down. I'm sober now for 16 years now, smoke free for 9 years, and still working on becoming sugar free, at 66, to this day 🙄.
You don't risk your sobriety for anything or anyone. I knew that myself and made the decision long ago to never move in with my parents or take them into my home. I call that Learning Through Scar Tissue. Once was more than enough. So when dad had to stop driving, which HE thankfully recognized, I had them move cross country near me. I found them an apt in Independent Senior Living, then Assisted Living, then Memory Care Assisted Living for mom. The most unhinged ones always seem to develop dementia later on in life, it's uncanny.
I knew if I over involved myself with their fighting and dysfunctional relationship, that I'D be risking MY sobriety by exposing myself to too much anxiety. So I limited my contact with them and set down firm boundaries with them as well. Phone calls were short, visits would end as soon as the histrionics ramped up, etc. Mom played the Blame Game like a world class champ, so there was no reasoning with her.......I would just get up and leave. I was The Bad Guy since I was a kid, so playing that role came naturally to me ANYWAY.
It's on MOTHER to DO something about her demented husband driving and risking their lives, and other lives, behind the wheel! Does she suffer from dementia as well? Because let me tell you, the LAST thing I'd do is get in the car with your father who runs red lights. Her telling YOU about it accomplishes what, exactly? She's stayed married to the man for 50 years so they're complicit in their games and enabling one another's bad habits, too. Stay out of it. Protect yourself.
Some crisis or another will happen to force one or both of them into managed care one day. Then you'll visit sometimes and leave when the histrionics ramp up, like I did, and go home to a peaceful life and a bottle of soda instead of bourbon.
"It’s hard just to be in their presence with all their fighting."
Then avoid.
Stay on the perimeter & raise any alarms from there.
Do not walk into water where crocodiles live. They will take your limb as you dip a hand or foot into the water.
They have always been the same; why would you ever imagine they will change?
You, however are not the same. You are not a child now. You are a grownup with choices to make, and you the the loving parent of children who need not to be exposed to these two, or to be exposed to them infrequently with long discussions about how their actions cause themselves and others distress. They are a lesson in what not to be.
I recommend you listen to Dr Laura on Sirius FM radio. Or her podcast Dr Laura's call of the day. You will learn how to stop "marinating" as she calls it in the past. And how to stop yourself from meddling in a marriage and in life choices that are not yours to make. Your parents chose one another, constant bickering and alcohol. YOU CAN MAKE BETTER CHOICES.
Please consider attending al-anon. They are available everywhere. You will have there much support and guidance. I wish you the best. It's time to break the cycle that so harmed you.
By the way, there will soon come a time when you get "the calls" about one or the other having fallen, being hospitalized, whatever. Tell the social workers that if guardianship is needed then the state must take that on, as this uncooperative couple is not something you are able to handle.
Your parents... *sigh*...
I had an Uncle who should have had his driving privileges retired but his children didn't act in time... he ran a red light and was t-boned, killing his wife and dog. She was 2x cancer survivor. Fortunately the other victims were not seriously hurt.
He won't let go of the driving without a fight. You won't be able to reason with him so don't even try. And, do not make a drama of "taking away his keys" -- this will surely lead to a bad scene.
If he doesn't have a diagnosis, then if you mess with his car he can report you. You may need to start by reporting him to the DMV. The process is different in every state. In FL, I anonymously reported my Aunt. I provided her driver's license number, and other identity info, and provided info that supported my claims that she was an unsafe and dangerous driver. They sent out a letter telling her to show up for a test (eye test) because her issue was with her vision (plus she had the start of dementia). We made sure no one took her for this test and her license expired. We transferred the car title to her niece who was her caregiver. I (as her PoA) went to lengths to discretely get other relatives, neighbors and friends to give her rides to her errands and appointments. I gave the volunteers gift cards to her favorite restaurants so they'd take her out afterwards. She enjoyed it so much, it lessened the loss of her license.
Talk to his DMV and tell them the circumstances and see what they recommend before you do anything.
You can’t do anything about their behavior. Find support for yourself. They are going to do what they are going to do.
I agree with Geaton’s recommendation to see if the DMV can do something. If your dad still wants to drive, he still will, which is very sad.
Some people try different things like somehow disabling the car. I don’t know if you want to try that or not.
Wishing you peace in this struggle of dealing with your parents.
Attend AA meetings and take care of yourself. Don’t place yourself in a vulnerable position.
Download the form from DMV regarding how to report an unsafe driver and fill it out and mail it (anonymously). It may take a few weeks but DMV will notify your dad that he has been reported as driving in an unsafe manner and he needs to undergo a driving test. He will have to do this and they will not tell him who reported him. Could be a neighbor, a doctor, anyone who saw him or knows how he drives. When he fails, which he probably will, they will automatically take away his driving privileges. Then you can say to him, "dad if you drive and get into any accident, there will be consequences, you could go to jail."
I know this sounds harsh, but if he is unsafe driving then his community is in danger when he is behind the wheel. What if he hits a child riding their bike or hits a family in their van?
As to their fighting, there is nothing you can do to stop it. Leave when it starts or hang up the phone. Do what you can and then try to let go. You do to control them, you cannot fix them.
I'm so sorry. Many of us have experienced what you are going through. We do understand. Get enough sleep. Hug your family and thank whom ever you thank that you are sober and have a healthy and loving family surrounding you.
This too shall pass, I hope that it passes quickly for you.
I fear this problem is bigger than the driving, as dangerous as that sounds.
Listen to them. Suggest they seek help. There is not a lot you really can do for people, adults, not living under your roof.
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