I've lived on west coast for nearly 40 years-my family lives on the east coast. Over the years my parents have developed health issues; now my mom has CHF and her prognosis is not good, My dad suffers from Parkinson's & is wheelchair bound but healthwise he's in better shape than her. My brother, their POA, retired to become their PCA and he has some but not nearly enough help. I'm still working and want to retire within the next year. I've held off because I need a knee replacement operation & I want to have it done while I have full medical coverage (which I won't have upon retirement). I'm in my early 60's, so I'm not eligible for Medicare yet.
My mom has been in/out the hospital several times within the past 8 months & I've traveled back east several times this year to spend time with her. I was just with her two weeks ago (she was hospitalized at the time). I called to check on her today only to get a tongue lashing from my aunt about how I should be there helping out, how my mother traveled to see me when I had medical issues, now it's my turn, you've only got one mother, etc....in other words the essential guilt trip. While I'm not hands on care, I do take care of my parent's account finances but I am aware that my brother has the difficult job because he's on call 24 hours.
Now I really feel guilty, torn, indecisive....... should I take a LOA for a couple of months or should I move up my surgery date (from Jan to Nov). I want to be there to support my family yet take care of my responsibilities as well. My orthopedic surgeon, back in April, told me to get the replacement done sooner than later-I should've had it done over the summer, but I waited in case my mom's health condition changed for the worse.
thanks for letting me exhale a bit............
If your brother needs help, I hope he knows he has your support to hire help at parents expense, or to find them an ALF if their needs aren’t past that level of care already. Should they be in a NH?
And you are right, no way you are contributing to the same degree as your brother. Difficult to do on the opposite coast. It isn’t a contest and people have to make their own decisions. It sounds as if you have been attentive by visiting several times. Brother certainly doesn’t need a third patient if your knee goes out. sounds like you should get that taken care of.
Is your mom on hospice? That would be one indicator of how serious her condition is. People can live a long time with CHF. Do you speak with her doctors?
However brother made his decision to retire early, that was his decision. Hopefully your parents are compensating him for his sacrifice.
It is a tough time for your family. I’m sorry.
Let's face it at their ages your parents health crises are just going to keep coming.
It is impossible for you to keep traveling to see them for every single one and for every crisis. Plus you are no spring chicken yourself to be their caregiver and keep putting your own health and medical needs last. Your well being matters too.
Shame that your also elderly brother is being burdened to help out when he probably has his own issues. But such is the case with fear, obligation and guilt.
You all should have a conversation about parents needs vs expectations and what their plan is as their health fails and their ability to take care of themselves degrades. Elderly children shouldnt be their backup plan.
Good luck.