Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Dear 2M4M... We fully understand that its easy to fall into that social family ditch and its sometimes easier to just crawl along it for peace... well since everyone else supports me in my attitude towards this then B***** peace. WE care for YOU,.....
I had a husband who fought.. and argued.and I put up with it for the daughters's sake.. then realised that if I said nothing it would defuse the situation.
So get those responses ready.. Like
" I hear what you are saying but Im not taking part"
"Have you realised what falls out of your mouth? is that really in your mind"...
"Since when has my kindness given you the right to be abusive"
It really sounds like your father thinks he is king and its backed up by the Queen. YOU dont have to help them in their grandeur hallucinations.
Now I probably have an ostrich and a donkey as my previous life sessions.. Cos that would have me leave the dishes that they leave for a whole week and have them back on the bench when they arrive. put them in the garbage bin and under the staircase for the week.. and place back on the table as you leave for the evening..
Does your father physically attack you or just a screaming match with threats ???? He is obviously scared that you will leave and so blackmailing you. which is more reason for you to leave and take the kids and your possessions and get out. THEN the queen and king will suddenly realise the truth and he go into assisted care.
I really feel for you, its like marriage break up.. the responsibility of the children to see that their future is OK, and the physical and mental anguish of organising and getting out. Only you can do it
I cried I think for the first 6mths of my marital split, then put on my pink girly panties and got on with life. it was far superior to what it had been.. but very very scary.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

What Muffincat said!!!!!!!

Just do it. Yes it's the nuclear option, but they aren't going to "get" anything else, sounds like.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

"Dearest Poppa. This is indeed your house, and I agree that I do not pay rent. Nevertheless I am your daughter and not your servant, and I am oh so tired of your treatment of me. Would you prefer it if I left?"

If the answer to this simple question is abusive or unsympathetic, you do then have to follow through, is the only thing. But to be honest, isn't it high time?

Muffincat, thank you for describing how it feels to be afraid of people who are supposed to love you and, most of all, for getting away! Hugs and hugs.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

What you just wrote Countrymouse, is what Ive said and SCREAMED and cried so many times over the past four years. "I am your daughter, not your servant.." Meanwhile he doesnt want my sister to lift a finger to do anything. They will be both be sitting in the livingroom on the couch and he will call me over to adjust the heat. He will never get past the rent focus, even though I buy all of the food for the house, toiletries etc. The home health aides he has coming to the house contribute to the whole "she doesnt pay rent.." discussion. They are instigators from the very beginning. I do have a health update about my father to share with you all. He is in the hospital with a collapsed lung. Right now he has a tube in his chest to drain the fluid. Needless to say Ive had some peace and quiet today. He will be in the hospital for a couple of days. If it were up to me, I would take this opportunity to get rid these unprofessional, meddling Aides that we have now and get professional ones from an agency. But its not up to me.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Then now is the time to inform your sister that youa re NOT her slave etc and let her have her screaming match without ganging up and using your father as the battering ram and blackmail.. Inform the hospital that you are leaving and until your father has improved well enough to cope with just aides organised by your sister , he may not be able to come home.. Really this is a real blessing.. couldnt have asked for anything more for you.. pack and go.
Their contempt has gotten all the way down to the bottom of planet earth and all I can do is want to set a match to it.
We really all do care for you and actually also your father.
Seems you have a sister like I have. She was her daddy's darling first born with curly hair. Sent to boarding school cos she was so dumb, still didnt learn anything and in his last year of life she suddenly was available again.. didnt do much but the ounce she did was well shouted from the roof tops. Seems [ according to another sister] that he gave her all his cash etc.. probably $4K plus what he had told us all for many a year. $1K each in an envelope in case we ever needed emergency funds. .. We shall never know if she was meant to share it around, or if her curls and first born status meant she needed it all.
So you see we all can identify with your hurdles. I can look on mine with contempt and shrug off as I need. I am no longer loyal to anyone. I see that my Ma is cared for as she lives in her hell of memory loss, and a secure unit. My uncle and aunt were my saviours, and who I bonded to.
Do you have a friend that you can go and stay with on a temp basis whilst you find new accommodation??????
The time is right so they say, I hope you can take advantage of it
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Agreed - take advantage of the situation to get out. This is not healthy for you nor for your father to get away with his abusive treatment of you. You deserve better. Pleading for that from your family will not make it happen. You have to take action yourself. ((((((hugs)))))
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Tell your sister you are leaving and as she has POA she will be responsible for his care when he leaves the hospital.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I hope you are packing right now. A danger of just walking out when there is no one there to tend crusty ol dad is that you could potentially be accused of elder abuse by leaving your abusers! On the other hand, if you give (preferably written) notice to the hospital and possibly sister, then you are covered. Run! Pack up the kids and go. This us your chance!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

What kind of country have we become that a caregiver, who is being abused, cannot leave her abusers without worrying about yet another sword of Damocles? Her sister, who is POA, could accuse 2M4M of virtually anything. Are the authorities going to drag her back to her abuser's home or haul her off to jail for running away from him? I think - nay, I pray - not!

If your dad is in the hospital, I agree that now is your chance to get out quickly and cleanly. Send a letter registered mail to your father's primary care physician notifying him/her that you have left because of his verbal threats to "do worse" and be done with your toxic family members. You deserve kindness, understanding, and love. Build a new life for yourself and don't look back.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Toomuch4me, darling girl, you may have said and screamed those words but your actions have always spoken louder. While you continue to behave as the household servant, that is how you will be treated.

So what's the plan now?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

"We really all do care for you and actually also your father."

I don't care for or about the father, since he's an abuser.

Get out!! Such good advice from those who posted already. Do it now while he's in the hospital!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Hello valued friends :) So I will not be moved out before he comes home which is tonight, the good news is that Im making proogress .I took your advice and told my sister I would be moving out. Im going to look an apartment tomorrow and also on Friday. Im going to keep looking until I find something. I really appreciate you all for encouraging me. Already we are back to the same nonsense. My father is being released today, my sister cant seem to handle picking him up by herself. I wanted to get home and prepare myself since I know he is going to be a pain. Meanwhile she well take her normal position on the couch, while Im back to doing everything. I alsoI told her since my daughter is not feeling well. I wanted go straight home of course she got an attitude until i agreed to go. She cant be bothered to carry his dirty clothes or anything. Ive had it .So I hope I get one of the apartments Im applying for. Thank you all for keeping me encouraged and motivated. My wonderful "vacation" is over.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

toomuch - so glad to hear you have made that decision. Get out as soon as you can. Your sis us POA - her problem not yours! Look after you and your daughter and good luck with the apartment hunting. ((((((hugs)))))
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

W shall all be there as you move.. and despite our nagging and bullying you, I for one understand its very difficult [esp in the circumstances] of changing your behaviour, which you were groomed for back as a baby probably.. Now as you pack.. I want you to start having some mantra responses for your sister.
When she tells you to do something. here are a few!!
"Sorry slavery ended in this country in *** "[sorry I dont know USA history]
"Gosh do you want me to call you an ambulance if you cant do something that simple you must be sick."
"Delegate, delegate, Im your sister not your object"

"What you want me to do that?? OK now I no longer get free board that you claim and have rammed down my throat. My fees are $200 for that job" please deposit it into my account first before I am able to do it"
and any that you have thought about for year but not been able to do it.
Please save yourself $10 and on the first night of your new abode, for you and your daughter to go on out and buy takeaways, then go home and sit on the floor and have a picnic..
I did that with my daughters but here we have fish n chips, eating out of the newspaper to keep them warm.. it was our rite of passage, and celebration of our freedom when their father left
When I shed tears and worried that Id put my daughters into a pickle, I remembered that meal often and how we had that sense of relief come over us.
So call it the 'First supper'
BTW you are not available for a whole 10 days to go check on your father once you move. He wont want you.. after all hes slammed that down your throat for ages.
I wish I was closer to where ever you are. but it doesnt matter you have a gang of friends on here, who are SAVING you and your daughter.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter