When is enough enough with narcissistic parents?

I realize this was asked and answered a month ago, and this is going to be a very rude answer that many aren't going to like, but gees, when does the parenting end? When the 'baby/child/teen/young adult/ doesn't need the 'parent' in order to survive anymore.

Period.

You stop it, not the parent. You tell them you're not a child anymore. Period.

If they don't like it, you simply deal with them on your own terms which may just be not very often.

Sorry if you don't like the answer, but nobody tells me (and hasn't since I've been independent) what to do. I'm an adult, not a child anymore.

Just how much we 'owe' our parents doesn't include handing over our entire life to them to pay them back for having diapered us. If a parent is an adult, they will know the boundaries and respect them. If not, they need psychiatric help. Life isn't drama as shown in movies and television. There is a time to let go. While we may owe our parents respect, what I'm hearing from you is they don't respect YOU.

Litldogtoo -- I don't think your response is rude at all! You make perfect sense. It may seem as though we're here, all spinning ourselves into a tizzy for no reason. But the reason is that we've lived our ENTIRE lives completely in the dark about what the actual issue is w/ourselves and our family. We were led to believe since day 1 that this was something we just had to keep WORKING at, and that the reason it wasn't working was OUR fault. We're here, because something finally clicked into place -- we had our epiphany! NOW, we just need to learn a few skills and get some healthier habits, and that doesn't come easily or quickly.

Litledogtoo, actually I like your answer. You are 100% correct. The problem is so many adults have psychological problems due to their upbringing that they have a difficult time cutting the cord. It is very complicated. But you do make a very valid point.

Litledogtoo says, "If not, they need psychiatric help." Yep, that they do. Are they going to get it? Nope, they aren't. To these particular people (narcissistic people) nothing is ever their fault.

And looloo nails it on the head - we've been brainwashed that it is all us, that if we just keep working at it, everything will be better, and if it isn't better, it's our fault.

Not a caregiving book but still excellent - Children of the Self-Absorbed: amazon/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611

Hello sad. You do not have to go and take s*** from your mother to take the heat off the help staff there. they probably deal with lots of patients like this day in and day out.
What may happen is your mom will suffer the consequences of her behavior. Out of control enough, they will transfer her to another unit. Is this what you are really 'afraid' of? If she is not mistreated then, I say let them transfer.
I do not think there is anything noble about being a punching bag for a nasty woman in order to protect her from her own consequences. She may or may not be cognizant: I tend to think they are more cognizant then we think at times, but that is a whole other topic.
Keep your sanity, stay away. NO GUILT..

two cents ¢¢

Enough is enough when you decide you are

Able to complete a sentence (lol, sorry cat jumped on phone precisely on post button)
@Litldogtoo your response is spot on. That realization is a lifesaver. For kids of N parents, this is at varying times. I was very late discovering that I was allowed to have a life/live my own life/could have an thought arbitrary to my parents' wishes. And word of warning - expect them to pull every trick in the book to reel you back in.
I found out last month, my dear(ly departed) mother had called a potential employer whom I was contracting part time (in 2006) pretended to be me, and withdrew my name from consideration for a permanent position because "I wanted to care for elderly parents."
Honestly, had she already been dead at this point, I would have had some murderous thoughts.
Protect yourself and be guilt free.

Hi everyone - been MIA lately but I went back and read the posts. Just a couple of comments - mothers day is going to be hard for a lot of us. Something I've gotten from the book I've been rereading is that we are not obligated in any way to do something just because our parents expect it of us.

So I was watching as a man labored over picking out a Mother's Day card today, and he asked if I had any suggestions. I literally broke out in laughter and said I was considering a sympathy card for mine. He put the mushy card he was looking at down and went over to look at sympathy cards. Best fun I've had for a while.

Sad, AL's have ways of dealing with the aggression, and my gut feeling is your mama is playing your heart strings. I'd let it ride out some, and if she doesn't stop her temper tantrum let her know that it stops now or you will have her committed to a psych ward (she doesn't kneed to know that they probably would not admit her - but it might get her attention.)

Smitty I was diagnosed with possible BLP about 28 years ago, but the psychiatrist would only say possible until he learned what my history is and got to know me better. Surprisingly the said I am probably the most normal one of the crowd called "family." Turning the corner -- if you don't feel like doing anything for your mother this weekend, don't. Do something for yourself instead. It will do you a world of good.

As for me, my mother, out of the blue (after 6 weeks of no contact,) emailed me (her preferred method of communication with me, but the Golden Boy gets phone calls all times of day and night) and asked me if I'd come look through some boxes with her of things that were left over from the real estate auction. The ONLY reason I agreed is because there is certain things I'd asked for, like my grandmothers tea set that was supposed to be mine when I grew up, in those boxes. I told her I would come at 9:30 Friday morning. I plan to leave by 10:30. Like I promised her six weeks ago, the next time I see her won't include lunch or my taking her anywhere. I have to stand strong with that one, so please say a prayer for me.

Sandwich thanks for the book reference. Going to take a look right now

Should read: "Had she *not* already passed, I would have had murderous thoughts." My mom was enmeshed/obsessed with me. My dad still believes it is his "god-given right to do what ever he has to to make me see things his way." Hoping, no making certain, the last half century isn't as torturous as my first.

@sanjay in my parents' household, if you did not buy a card that my 'rents approved of, it did not count. IE, if they expected a christianly, sobbing " i thank god for you" card, that's what they needed to receive in order to validate your love. But if you picked out a humorous card, it showed you didn't love them because " they expected more of you/ raised you better than that" etc.
So happy there is no moms day card to buy rhis year.

Mother's Day cards have always been a problem for me too...there just isn't a card for our mothers! It was always so depressing reading some of those cards. This year since I am still boycotting seeing her - I bought her a pecan roll from Sees and took a blank card and just wrote Happy Mother's Day and signed my name - simple. I think I may have gotten through a little tiny bit - but my husband reminded me I have my rose colored glasses on. So got an email the other day saying what she wants for Mother's Day - she doesn't want roses because they die - and in her crazy talk she has she wrote "no think so it come visit in you and fight an nice!!" I didn't respond - as I get 3 emails a day usually that are hard to decipher - but it is the first time she wrote visit and nice in the same sentence - yes - fight is there too...

Sanjay you are totally right about not being obligated to our parents - just because they are. My counselor put it to me that made the most sense to me - would you expect your children to do these things. Duh! Of course not! I do wish you luck in getting your tea set and getting out unscathed... This is the longest I have gone without seeing my mother - it's been since January - I guess obligation is tugging at me - may go down this month sometime. Fortunately been busy with work and our project of turning our front yard into a courtyard and drought tolerant! Almost done - exhausted - but super happy with it! I also discovered I can share photos with her via the cloud - sending photos of the project so she can not only see that - but that I am busy...I know - making excuses....ugh!

Happy Friday everyone and good luck to all of us for Mother's Day! If you are moms - hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day!

I am the eldest adult child and have been helping my Mom for as long as I can remember, my brother and two sisters have very little contact with my mother now that she is old and helpless, they all have different excuses why they cannot write or telephone. I don't believe they can cope with her and wish to distance themselves.
When it became apparent that my mother could not live by herself I brought her to live with me. She did live with me for a few months last summer and it was very difficult. She is 96 and wants so much attention and focus on her, she exhibits all those behaviors of a narcissist as well as being paranoid. This is not all of my Mother by any means, she was by and large a good mother and has no idea that she has always been so emotionally and physically draining. She lived with me until my son died unexpectedly and I no longer had the emotional or physical strength to take care of her. I placed her in an adult care home where I try to see her daily. I suggest placing your parent in a care place whenever possible as it is difficult to remove oneself from the situation when in your own home especially if she has been accustomed to getting attention anyway she can. Mom is not happy there neither has she been happy anywhere and blames it all on everyone else. I have found one simple mantra that allows me to keep my perspective and be content. Every day I say to myself "I am going to enjoy today" It is surprising how well this works for me. I do walk away when she is behaving badly and may cut my visits back to two or three a week. I personally would not feel right in not seeing her at all. I know it is an old fashioned word but I believe it is my duty to do what I can for her. I decided last summer when she was with me and she had no concern for me over the loss of my son that I would just do what I can and no more. Sometimes I feel bad for her as she is so unhappy but then I repeat my mantra and feel tons better. Good luck and God bless to all of you taking care of difficult elders

I am the eldest adult child and have been helping my Mom for as long as I can remember, my brother and two sisters have very little contact with my mother now that she is old and helpless, they all have different excuses why they cannot write or telephone. I don't believe they can cope with her and wish to distance themselves.
When it became apparent that my mother could not live by herself I brought her to live with me. She did live with me for a few months last summer and it was very difficult. She is 96 and wants so much attention and focus on her, she exhibits all those behaviors of a narcissist as well as being paranoid. This is not all of my Mother by any means, she was by and large a good mother and has no idea that she has always been so emotionally and physically draining. She lived with me until my son died unexpectedly and I no longer had the emotional or physical strength to take care of her. I placed her in an adult care home where I try to see her daily. I suggest placing your parent in a care place whenever possible as it is difficult to remove oneself from the situation when in your own home especially if she has been accustomed to getting attention anyway she can. Mom is not happy there neither has she been happy anywhere and blames it all on everyone else. I have found one simple mantra that allows me to keep my perspective and be content. Every day I say to myself "I am going to enjoy today" It is surprising how well this works for me. I do walk away when she is behaving badly and may cut my visits back to two or three a week. I personally would not feel right in not seeing her at all. I know it is an old fashioned word but I believe it is my duty to do what I can for her. I decided last summer when she was with me and she had no concern for me over the loss of my son that I would just do what I can and no more. Sometimes I feel bad for her as she is so unhappy but then I repeat my mantra and feel tons better. Good luck and God bless to all of you taking care of difficult elders

Mother's Day churns up a lot of emotions for those of us with difficult moms. I just want to thank you all for taking the time to support each- it's not that we think we are the only ones in this situation. But to have a place where one can candidly talk about this is so cathartic. This Mother's Day, I wish for all of you is to be kind to yourself, let all guilt float away.

Well THAT went well.

Synopsis of my hour with the mother:

Me: I feel ____, growing up I felt____, when you send me emails that say "I resent you..." I feel_____,

Darling Mothers responses:

You're making all this up.
I never said any of that.
That never happened.
I'm sorry, (shrugging her shoulders.)
I don't know what I can do
I don't believe I said that.

~~ With that I produced the email that upset me 6 weeks ago, and when she was done reading it she shrugged and told me I was overreacting and "that's who I am. What do you want me to say."

Me: I want you to acknowledge my feelings.

Darling mother: Your feelings are just wrong. You've exaggerated things your whole life.

Me: Then how I feel isn't important to you.

Darling mother: You know what I think? I think this whole conversation is stupid. Just take your box (which consisted in nothing much and no tea set) and go home. We might as well say good bye.

Me: OK. I make no apologies, and this is heartbreaking to me. I need to take care of you, and trying to visit with you has a negative affect on me physically, emotionally and spiritually.

So I stopped at Starbucks and got a latte and drove the 50 miles home. No shaking, no regrets, mild relief, which I hope will become more than mild eventually.

Sad - thank you! I am so glad I found this thread. My first post I stated I'm not sure my mother is narcissistic. Now I'm more than sure. I got out unscathed. And now I'll wait for something to happen to the Golden Boy and all of a sudden she will be so sorry blah blah blah. One of the priests of the church I go to told me I need to get my feelings out. And so I did and it is a relief.

You are my hero Sad. Have you been coaxed to visit? That' going to be my biggest challenge. I have blocked my mother's email, though she said emphatically she will never ever email me again.

Sadie: I am so sorry about your son. How tragic for you. Repeating the mantra "I am going to enjoy today" is really a powerful way to cope with our situations. It's not that it's "old fashioned" to feel it's your duty to do what you can. Just know where the limits are, and pay attention to how you feel in all ways - physical, emotional and spiritual. If you find yourself drained, take a step back and reevaluate.

Littledogtoo: You are 100% right. We need to let go. In my case the psychological effect involved control, intimidation, and threats. It''s similar to a cult without having the rituals attached. My mother has gotten rid of three of us now. Only Golden Boy remains. What you said about respect is right on spot. My parents never respected me. Ever. And my mother has gotten worse since my father died and she gave everything over to the Golden Boy.

Since that time she has shut me out. Everything Golden Boy (and wife) does is done to perfection. Everything I do is cause for criticism. I'm single and she thinks I "need" her. She has given me money to make sure that need is "fulfilled." When I said, in so many words, back off, she said haughtily, "good luck, I wish you the best..."

So you're right, the respect doesn't exist and never has. Until I became disabled, I held down a job as a lab tech. I didn't go to school for that. I'm a self starter and sort of pushed my way into the position by doing tests on my own and having my coworker and boss (we were the only two at the time) recheck them. Gradually she let me do other tests until I was doing everything. The reaction from my parents: "I guess they couldn't find anyone else."

Onlee: LOL my cat is always pushing the send button.

OK on to chat with a friend. Thanks for letting me ramble in a kind of unconnected way. I'm starting to love all of you!

Caretaker spoke to(Rooms & assignments): concerning the air mattress for your my MIL. Dr. A apparently is not authorized to write orders for her while she is in nursing home because he Is not affiliated with them. The orders would need to come from Dr. B who is affiliated with nursing home.

Apparently my MIL is not eligible for the air mattress because she has no diagnoses to approve her. She does not have bed sores and the nurses have all explained this to her so she is fully aware.

Everything in the nursing home has to be paid via Medicaid and even if Dr. A would write the orders it wouldn’t be covered via Medicaid. It would have to be picked up via Medicare. If they would even pick it up while she is there.

We should never have been told that she was approved for the mattress in the first place and rooms & assignments is very upset that someone would have told us that at nursing home and she will get to the bottom of it and get all the nursing staff and us on the same page.

The nurses apparently have explained this to my MIL numerous amounts of time that she is not eligible for the mattress.

The empty beds that my MIL is seeing are short term beds and apparently she is on the short term side until a permanent room becomes available. Apparently even though she was told that she would be moved back to the window side of the room once other rehab patient left, the other rehab patient is now having to stay for another 6 weeks.

Apparently my MIL is telling us one thing when the nurses have all had a meeting with her to explain all of this. She does not have priority for a room with a window or a permanent room like she did way back when she had the private room because she had lost that when they discharged her the last time. So she is going to have to be patient for right now.

Rooms & assignments told caretaker that she will find out what kind of mattress my MIL would be approved for the nursing home so that she can buy it out of pocket. It cannot be a foam kind of mattress because of infection diseases.

My MIL is a permanent resident there but we are so afraid that if she gives them enough grief that she will be kicked out and she must have 24/7 care even if she doesn’t think it’s needed.

I am so frustrated that she has told us this lie to just try to get her way.

Sanjay, good for you for expressing yourself. As you can see, you will not get validation from her. She will not accept your feelings. This is classic narcissism.

I've read through these posts and my heart goes out to you all, Sadie I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. For those of you who haven't seen my posts, I gave up my home and career to care for my narcisistic Mommie Dearest for four hellish years. She's been in a NH for 18 months now (Parkinsons for 15 years, dementia and numerous strokes and falls). Unable to sit up or stand, she's either in bed or her wheelchair and getting loonier (if you'll excuse the expression) by the day.

She shared a room when first entering the NH and gave the poor sweet woman and her visitors h*ll. When her room mate had a stroke and passed her only comment was "well, I guess I'm next", no empathy whatsoever. I moved her to a private room with bath so she couldn't abuse anyone else.

For over a year she's been obsessed with buying another house and having live in staff 24/7 (financially impossible) and the daily tantrum phone calls and fights were making me ill (eventually having a black out doing 85km an hour in my truck - just a few seconds, no harm done but it terrified me, so I changed my phone number and made it unlisted. Told her it was playing up so I got rid of it which she believed.

This morning I got a phone call from the NH that a screw had come out of her glasses. As I was going out anyway I went down there to collect them for repair. She immediately started on about the house nonsense again, that I must get her a realtor to go house hunting and I ripped into her (and I'm not sorry either!!). I told her in no uncertain terms that no-one has ever said no to her in her life (her ways sent my father to an early grave) but I say NO and I won't back down EVER. In addition, if she makes one attempt at making such nonsense happen I'll never speak to her again and with no friends or family she'll be totally alone.

I got the glasses fixed and returned them and she was all smiles. She forgets five minutes later while I'm furious and stew. She never asked how I was or if I enjoyed my birthday 3 days ago. It's all me, me, me, me. I went on my errands, fuming and talking to myself in the truck, but then I realized I control all the money, and conserve it in investments to the nth degree for her care. She has a small book with the phone numbers of people she's known over the years (and run off over time). I'm dreading Mother's Day. I have to go and I'll take a laptop computer with pictures to amuse her. I'll wait until she needs to get an aide to go to the bathroom and remove the phone book so she can't be driving others insane.

I've been trying to get her to talk to other residents (60) but she refuses. She wanted me to wheel her to the door as I left and, as we turned a corner, there were four residents sitting by the nurse station. She said in a loud voice "Just look at them, how can you talk to them, they're mental!". I wanted to sink down through the floor.

She's already called a cleaning lady we had towards the end to see if she'd like to live in a cold gloomy basement and care for her 24/7 just for room and board and she said no - why give up a good job, a sideline business and her home for zilch?

After a lifetime of Mommie Dearest I am so done. I will go on Mother's Day but one mention of I want, I want, I'm going to ..." and I'm out of there. She's been a nightmare my whole life (knocked me about and put me in a hospital when I was about 6) and I owe her nothing but, as POA and only family, I will do my duty, pay her bills and ensure she has all she needs.

A narc will never set you free, you must distance yourself as much as possible for the sake of your own health and sanity. If she gets even more demented I may cease visiting completely. One day at a time.

sanjay, I'm so sorry you had to have that conversation but glad you are handling it well. I think we all have a certain sadness at feeling motherless, it is what it is. When I was first flexing with my mom, I'd ask myself "do I do this to my kids" or "would I do this to my kids". Then I'd imagine how my kids would react IF I did. Then I acted in a functional manner, disregarding her anger, temper tantrums etc. I've just lost my MIL last week and while we had our tussles, we came to love and respect each other. I lost my beloved dog this week and in typical N fashion, there wasn't a word of comfort or acknowledgement of my loss. Thanks to a couple friends and you all, I had the strength to tell Mother Dearest that as our whole family is exhausted and spent, we aren't do any Mother's Day celebration. We're not going to lunch or dinner or anything. I'm going to nurture my husband, look after my FIL and try to recharge me. If I'm feeling strong enough, I may take her a card and flowers. But it'll be a run in and out so I don't get zapped....much.

there is also a site... 'web of narcissism'. Marvelous place, lots of articles. There really is hardly any place for true venting because of the underlying fury so many victims feel. Perhaps just a private journal on a blog site or something for that. Web of Narc... they try to answer helpfully, trying to find ways to deal with narcs, blowing off steam is limited there, but nevertheless, good. The main point is they will validate all us sufferers from narcs, past, present, and hopefully not future.
That is the sad thing: you will never EVER get validation from a narc. There is always a reason, always an excuse. If you ever really nail them, and nail them good, then you get the histrionics. Now my mom has bad heart, you should see all the shortness of breath, heart skipping she does. I think she gets that way, only because she has been 'nailed' and doesn't want anymore.
two cents ¢¢

I wondered a few days ago if maybe I should post a question about the challenge of finding Mother's Day cards, lol! This year was the first year that my mother completely forgot my birthday last week (progressing dementia). I was actually relieved, and felt a bit liberated.
I had my daylong visit planned for 5/5, and was in a funk for several weeks beforehand. I'd decided to bring flowers, and just sign the small florist card that comes with the flowers. Turns out, I briefly took a look at some pretty cards, found one that said nothing more than Happy Mothers Day. The front of it actually made me flash back to a happy memory, which was a bit unsettling! And I debated whether or not I should mention the memory to her. If she didn't remember, or wasn't moved by it, would I be ok, or irritated/hurt? I decided I'd be fine. So I mentioned it, and she remembered too, and smiled. Her momentary good feeling was nice, but luckily, I am detached enough to just take it for what it is. Just a fleeting moment, nothing to do with me whatsoever. And that's fine.
This is the first Mother's Day where I will be at HOME, spending a fabulous day with my dog -- because I hate to brag, but I am really one of the BEST doggie mommies! :) Hope you all have a peaceful, happy weekend.

Sanjay - wow you did a great job with sticking to your true self and telling her how you feel! Your mother is indeed narcissistic and her responses classic. I usually get I am too sensitive....um no...you are too insensitive! You left at the right time and the fact that you felt free is awesome!

Yes - the blame and shame hasn't worked so the last email consisted of something resembling that if I visit she will be nice. However after the two extremely abusive visits I have had - October and again in January - I am not jumping in the car to drive 3 hrs to get abused again. I may wait another few weeks...not sure yet. Pangs of guilt have subsided and now it is just obligation knocking at my door...not sure when I will answer. You are smart to block her emails. I wish I could do that - since basically I am the caretakers to speak as my brother has done nothing - never has in over 2 years. But you have Golden Boy to handle it - let him have at it! And not to sound insensitive to the memorabilia - go to an antique store and find a nice tea set and make your own sweet memories. I think we put too much emphasis on "stuff" and it really doesn't bring back a memory....your mind will do that for you. So buy yourself something that will bring you happiness and try to attach that memory to it instead. I don't want anything of my mothers - and she gave everything of my fathers to my brother!

And respect! Oh yes, how we look for that and never will get it from these self centered narsists -

Havefaith- with your mil is it one thing then another? That's what I am doing with my mother - she obsesses about something until she gets it - then doesn't want it. For months it was a toaster oven, then a phone, then certain shoes, clothes, now it is dr visits and the need for specialists....good grief! I too worry about her getting kicked out - as she is so abusive to other people - hitting and throwing things etc. it is a 120 lb 3 year old!

Sad - thanks so to all of you for the kind comments, and please accept my apologies for not getting here sooner.

So week one has passed. I saw my therapist on Wednesday and had total respect from him for how I handled the person I used to call Mom. I told him I had twangs of guilt, and he said while that's normal, I'm never going to get anything more from her than what I've gotten. When I said that her birthday is coming up, and I wonder if I should send her a birthday card, he asked me what I would gain from it. LOL not what SHE would gain from it. My answer - absolutely nothing except a sappy insincere thank you, only to turn around and tell me what Golden Boy and his wife did for her, which will always outdo what I could possibly do.

Each day I feel a bit more free. I just wanted you all to know this. And while I can't respond to any of the latest posts tonight, I will be back some time over the weekend to do so. Hugs to all of you. We shall overcome!

Realizing that my mother truly has NPD is making sense of the drama. My brother who is bi-polar, unemployed for years and dependent on mother's finances is regularly on stage. He is married to a woman he met in the Psyc Ward who has BPD. So he's got lots of experience and the support of mega doses of anti-psychotic medication and a great psychiatrist. So why do I need to get on stage at all. The pressure from hubby is huge. He's asked me to leave the marriage twice because of my parents. I'm the problem he says. If he thinks so much of my mother, why doesn't he visit her alone. Why drag me there when I dread the visit, walk on eggshells and count the minutes till I can get out of her condo. I've hit bottom now having to go back on antidepressants because of not sleeping well for so long. I've had enough for sure. My biggest problem is a marriage problem when my husband won't support my boundaries.

With a narc mom, setting boundaries creates new issues. My mom has now processed that she's not moving back in with either my sister or I. That we've vetoed her idea to move into a little apartment (she needs 24/7 care for health issues she refuses to acknowledge). Her anger is now visible to others, not just us. She's lashing out so much that the grandkids have pulled back. We took her out for her birthday - short ride and dinner. I've been sick and was running a low grade fever. When I turned to head to the restaurant after 45 minutes of driving, she complained that the ride was over. When I explained that that was all I could do, that I was ill, she proceeded to announce another ride route that she liked...hint hint. My sister found the perfect birthday card - a sour face older woman on the front, inside read "Happy friggin' birthday". Now her current mission is to find out how often my kids and I see my newly widowed (3 weeks) and amazingly functional FIL. I have relatives calling to tell me how sad Mom sounds on the phone. I'm so done.
bunnyrabbit, spouses with more functional parents don't always truly get how much emotional abuse a parent can hit you with over a lifetime. My husband didn't until he actually heard her lash out at me with some awful things. He thought I should put the past in the past, which is healthy, until he heard the things that are being said now. Just a shame that in these last years, we're all pulling away to survive, not drawing closer. It is what it is.

Pulling away to survive, you hit the nail on the head. That's what I did and, months later, I'm still tired and don't have much energy. I often nap for a couple of hours during the day, even though I sleep at night. It truly is like having PTSD for life.

bunnyrabbit, I am a tad confused... but my heart goes out to you nonetheless.
It is your mother who is a narc. Your hubby has asked you to leave the marriage because of your parents. (not his?) He says you are the problem, he drags you to see your narc mother despite the abuse from her... Just what is going on here? Your husband won't respect your boundaries?
I find it appalling that your husband has sided with the abusive narc (if I understand correctly). Appears like a double whammy here.
If this is the case, I think I'd rather live in a car.. that is if I am reading your post right. This is awful what you are enduring.
maybe you could leave hubby with your mom?

two cents ¢¢

"Just a shame that in these last years, we're all pulling away to survive, not drawing closer." That resounds with me too. I find I have to. At my age the stress over the years added to the current stress take a bigger and bigger toll on me. My (our) only option is detaching and distancing more.

Lynne, it IS PTSD for life. I mentioned it to mother's psychiatrists and they nod. How can you not have PTSD when you are abused as a child and then throughout life, really without a break by the very person who is supposed to nurture you. I think we are walking wonders of survival, but also the walking wounded and the scars ache sometimes and the fresh wounds hurt.

I found with each phase of resetting and reinforcing boundaries there is a backlash and renewed efforts by the narc to establish control.

bunny - do you have to visit when he does? You can say "no" to visiting for a while. Sig other thought I should do this and that till he experienced a few things first hand. Now he understands better.

sad - I am glad the guilt has subsided. Wait as long as you like before you visit again. Obligation is a hard one. I guess I feel that too.

sanjay - I like the sound of your therapist.

We are packing up mother's things for storage while she is in hospital - yet another move - 3rd one in 5 years and then there will be the move into her next facility in about 6 months. I am getting to a point where I don't even want to see her stuff any more. Sig other will do most of the moving and the rest of the packing this time and the next move. She is fortunate he is willing, yet she bad mouths him.

Take care of you!

It's amazing the amount of energy and creativity that the Narc has! Imagine if that would have been used to be loving, how lives would have been affected. The more I see how a Narc is really suffering, the more I feel compassionate but distant at the same time. It's sad but that's our lot. I am accepting it better. Thanks for sharing all of your trials. Been so helpful!