Does anybody out there have a parent or in-law that acts like this? This came from an article I read about the spoilt brat / narcissist behavior. Please explain to me how you deal with this behavior and how much do you allow it to actually control your life before either just putting your foot down and saying enough and calling their bluff or backing away from the situation. I realize that they are our parents but when is enough just enough?
Sounds like you were definitely parentified, her role given to you. My mom did the same to me although she didn't neglect me...She cooked and shopped, etc. and worked hard to make a nice home for dad and I...but she treated me like her counselor and that caused me to lose myself and not have a normal childhood...
Don't we as caregivers, assume the same role reversal? I am angry about that and because i'm disabled, really can''t take on any other job and don't want to...I'm good at it, after all, I've had a lot of practice!!!
I moved out at 17 and shortly after it all caught up with them. They lost the house, moved their 5 remaining kids into a 2 bedroom mobile home. I was on my own. About 7 years later, two of my brothers, in their early 20s, bought a double wide for the family. My parents were supposed to buy it from them after a few years. They never did. Last year, when the double-wide was foreclosed, my brothers' credit and finances took a huge beating.
I have only connected all the dots this year. I spent my life believing my parents were unlucky and a little bit irresponsible. But now I see that they were grossly irresponsible and even manipulative and refused to take care of anyone or even themselves and luck had nothing to do with it.
I'm learning Mom is very good at pretending to agree or disagree depending on the situation.
Then she wanted to talk about Comfortkeepers...that the people arent' good enough..(she refers to them as the fat one and the skinny one) LOL...i said i don't want to discuss it and she flipped out...'you don't care about your mother...you have no sympathy for me....I told her i will not feel sorry for her....that sent her through the roof!! she turned abusive and I asked her why she thought i didn't care...(my therapist taught me to ask questions when she gets nuts..) She then said "i'm ordering you out of the house"...the look on her face was UGLY!! I've never seen her so ugly before...
I think she had a glass of wine when I was out...She's on narcotics and that might explain why she turned ugly...
I feel like an abused animal...I can't believe how quickly she can turn...I am now downstairs after telling her i won't put up with her behavior...on the way downstairs, she said "God help you". and that I was a horrible daughter...I reminded myself that she's nuts and am not letting it bother me, or trying not to...It still hurts like hell.
Any ideas on what to do when you're being abused...leaving the room works until she needs something...
Now she's pounding on the floor to get my attention...WACKO!
Most mornings I try to wait until close to noon to see her. generally her hangover has lifted, her meds have kicked in and she has had something to eat. Go before 10 and watch out!
Smith - mine does the same thing too - while I am talking she interrupts and then says I am interrupting...um...I was talking. If I just let her talk - she would never stop...and then talks over me. I just stopped playing that game too - doesn't go anywhere, as she isn't listening to a thing I say. I have set her up with email - which at least I can write what is important without being drowned out. I think that you need to see about living elsewhere to save your sanity...if you can - or is she at the point of asst living?
I just got home from being at the hospital for the past 5 hours for mom, who told a health worker at the AL center she was going to jump out the window. That is no joke, so they hauled her in to the ER where she found herself being interviewed by a psych and social worker. When they came to talk to me, eventually the social worker asked me if I would go get Stop Walking On Eggshells. Mom has borderline personality disorder. I already have that book!! BPD and NPD are frequently found together. The psych ward wont take anybody with dementia, but the orders are to get her a geriatric psychiatrist, which I will coordinate.
As big of a pain in the a55 tonight was, I am doing a happy dance. I feel like I must won something vecause somebody credible figured this out in a couple hours. I was right!!!!
Nobody lectured me about how mom's problems are all my fault and if I would just do xyz differently, she'd be ok. They didn't act shocked when I told her story of growing up, and my story of growing up with her bratty stunts. Mom was in the stabilization room thinking she was fooling everybody and not fooling anybody. She was also picking at her skin and scratching like she has chicken pox. The doctor seemed to think it was more about anxiety than a medical problem.
I think he's onto something.
The social worker asked mom if she'd learned any lessons tonight! I almost laughed out loud.
Things have gotten much worse now that my mother is elderly, widowed, has health problems and expects to get help.
This past two weeks has been helpful for me, but jarring. I see my mother so clearly now. The bad thing is that I find it extremely hard to do anything with her or for her. The good thing is she just moved to an IL place and is getting government benefits and a little money from my BIL (who hasn't been burned by her yet), so I am free to let go of things now. What's so frustrating is how much of a struggle I am having with letting go. The old pattern is still there, the old pull to take care of them.
I do live 3 hours away from her and 2 hours from my siblings. I have not called or talked to my Mom in 5 days and the guilt tells me it has been longer. None of us kids is able to do much at all. I think my sister, whose buttons were recently triggered and is in the Mom needs help phase right now, is helping Mom. But I don't really know. I don't know if its better if I minimize communication or try to keep lines open with sis to keep tabs.
Tonight I'm feeling especially conflicted. Oh well.
I wonder is there a point where anybody with dementia can mimic the behaviors for NPD/BPD, and could possibly even pass an eval. I know the hospital up here wouldn't put mom in the psych ward for her behavior last night because of the dementia. Sadly, the ER couldn't find a medical reason to keep her other than blood sugar over 250.
I am convinced my mom is a robot under her skin. Anybody else would be dead from the decades of strong prescription drugs she's had, the strokes, the diabetes, the reduced liver & kidney function, and living at such a high strung, high anxiety level for 76 years. A regular human couldn't exist like this.
My mom was given a new anti anxiety drug...she is refusing to take. Wants a print out of what it is. Basically it's that and calm down or go into the dementia care unit. Still waiting for the results of the ct scan too.
She is another person with the other caregivers who come here...Sweet, friendly, kind, and with me, she is COLD...
I'm just tired of it
Of course mom was never diagnosed with more than clinical depression and anxiety...d*mn that makes me mad! I've always been the 'identified patient' in the family, the scapegoat...but realize now that it wasnt' my fault, just my parents' way of shedding their issues.
Hi... Don't be hard on yourself... I know how mean family members can be and how you can feel like a target. As my counselor says... "It's their problem(s) from their upbringing" (that makes them that way)... My mother lives with me... and, there is rarely a time I can do anything right... she doesn't even think I can boil water... and, thinks she's the queen of the kitchen... so, after so many years (in my new kitchen... that I paid for)... I pretty much stay out of it when she's around... I know walking on eggs isn't easy... a lot of us here on this site know this drill... Try to turn this around (books from the library, etc.) so you can save your health... I know it's a slow process... but, you're ok... not any different than anyone else... Hang in there with us ok?
Coping with your difficult older parent: A guide for Stressed Out Children.
amazon/Coping-Your-Difficult-Older-Parent-ebook/dp/B0053K290Q/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=&qid=
A few days later I did talk to mom by phone. She's back to her being sweet phase. Which means she got what she wants. But will lash out if we push her. I've also accepted the help my BIL is providing. He's Mom's favored one right now and is "taking care of things." and I'm happy to let him. He will get burned eventually.
I am taking two brothers to see her Saturday for Mother's Day. We are all dreading it. And yet we are going. I'm curious what we will talk about on the drive home after visiting with her.