What do you do when elderly parent refuses needed care or legal considerations?

My mom and your mom are clones! We forced mom out of her house - we simply could not keep up the maintenance - we're not getting any younger ourselves. She is in independent living for 7 years but needs assisted living desperately now. She is just like your mother - refuses any help from outsiders, won't use a walker, won't use the elevator, won't eat, won't bathe, abuses laxatives, incontinent, dementia getting worse every day but lucid enough to take care of herself (minimally) Of course she won't use a walker, refuses to move to assisted living, refuses to accept her limitations so my sister and I do it all. I wish I had an answer, but the only answer is - you will have to wait for a crisis and then move her from the hospital directly to assisted living.

Anne. Do your best not to let Mum push you out. She says nasty things, but she was just recently in delirium and has been stressed beyond her emotional coping abilities as well as her physical limits. She may be one who needs to save face and not admit to being in the wrong nonetheless....so....you could just go visit and do what needs done unless Mom threatens to call the police and throw you out. The "as if nothing happened" approach. If that does not seem to be working, you could even try apologizing profoundly for having let her down even though you know you didn't. Yes, you are her terrible children who let her down and now you will try to do better and make it up to her. You know it makes no sense, but it is possible mom is in a state where she is not going to make sense because she just can't. I know you can't quite keep it from making you feel bad, but know in your own heart it is just irrational and maybe could not be helped at the time. When our loved ones can't make sense any more, we have to try to do what does make sense even if we have to go to ridiculous lengths to get away with it. :-) Some day when you might feel more like laughing than crying I could tell you the tales of the magic tea pot and the missing tea towels...

could you send me this blog? i have a gf who is going through his and i can foward it to her.......i went through it......my alz mom was a dream---and my dad went willingly.......they both only lasted 2 years in the nursing home......no broken bones......nothing of consequence......as an only child i was so lucky--my father was so smart...he knew the day he was going to die.....told them to call the morgue.......what a character!

My father is 81 years and is very frail in hospital. He will need help and assistance because he has had 3 near death experience one after another. My mother is obviously stressed out, and is recovering from a complete hip replacement and is suffering from delerium. Each time my dad has been in hospital she has fallen out with everyone over nothing really and made everyone feel so bad and guilty as if we have done something to her. I do not know what is going to happen when my dad gets home from hospital because my mum has shut us all out of her life. My daughter and I went to visit her to see if she was okay, she said I have not fallen out with anyone I just do not want to know you anymore as you have all let me down. It is so difficult because my dad needs a harmonious atmosphere to regain his strength and recover and mum will not let anyone in to hep family, professionals. I am at my wit's end and do not know what to do, who to speak to or anything. Please help me, it is most appreciated. Thank you.

we are in a very similar situation and just waiting for the next fall or accident to occur and hope it doesn't involve anyone else (right now mother is not driving herself anywhere as she is recovering from the last fall --nothing broken, just bruises).

Hi, i'm a 12 year old kid and my great-grandma has Alzheimer (sorry if I spelled it wrong) I suggest you send her to a nursing home even if she doesn't want to go. She needs help that you are not able to provide so just send her to a place that can provide help.

i would appreciate all assistance

mom suffers from many physical problems and also self-neglect. when she is in dire pain she won't call the dr; won't take medicine; what can I do. i live in NJ

Well.... we all felt we were being told to get stuffed by my mum went she went to that home when there was no need.

Could your brother rent out rooms to get some income?

We, as a society, need and easier way to check out when the time comes == rather than prolonging the suffering and dying.

Funeral was horrid. As i thought some people been sniffing for what they could get. Cheek

A bit harsh but, basically correct. My father is 91, mother 91 with dementia. My father will not get any help to come in. We have tried and either they left because he drove them crazy, or he found another way to let them go. My sisters and I go in 3 times a day...one of my sisters is the main caretaker..she does get paid (not enough as far as I am concerned) ... Dad complains that he just cant do it anymore..he has back problems and mom cannot walk and is incontinent...it mostly comes to me, as I am the oldest... after 5 years of this I have decided that he will eventually come to a point that mom does need more care and should be in a very nice nursing home..either that or he will die way before mom will. He is under stress that he brings upon himself.... we are made to feel guilty because its all left up to him (which it really isnt)...yes, he does spend 24 hrs. a day with mom but she does nothing but sit...does not want Dad out of her sight...we will make sure that we do all we can but until Dad decides he just cant control it all anymore we will leave all decisions up to him, unless of course he starts to lost it..and I can see that happening as we speak ... when parents are unwilling to take suggestions or make a move, there is nothing we can do until they are both incompentent. BTW my father has always be a control freak and age is not changing that.

EastEagle - people who have been selfish all along don't change just because they get old. I know I'm going to get slammed for saying it, but I think that in many cases you just have to say "okay, that's the way you want it, fine, but don't come crying to me when it blows up in your face. You want to be independent? Then you are on you own! and stick to it. Let them take the consequences or you will forever be their hostage. After all, isn't ageism considered a prejudice? Then the way that works is just because you're old, don't expect special treatment, either bad or good. I suspect that in some cases, the person just wants to continue as long as they can and then fall down in a heap, go out like a light, however you think of it. I know I'd prefer that to having a miserable existence "preserved". Like that woman in Bakersfield - she had a massive stroke and the 911 tech was trying to get someone, anyone, to do CPR - for what? Why? Now of course, your dead body is going to cause problems for someone, but I don't see that rotting in place is a better alternative. Perhaps the idea would be to make it clear if that is what she wants, so be it, but you are not going to be waiting in the wings to rescue her. Her decision, her independence, her consequences.

My Mother is 89 years old, frail from Osteoporosis which means that she can't lift her head up, her neck is painful, and she is bent over. She lost some hearing which also affects her balance, but refuses to get hearing aids, She is totally blind in one eye, and her vision is going in the other eye. She has to use many eye drops each day. She is very smart, highly intelligent, no dementia at all, she is extremely "set in her ways," or you may call it being stubborn. This is another way of saying - she is very selfish. Here is the reason why: She insists on being "independent" and still lives all alone in her 3 Family House that my parents bought in 1968. My Dad passed away in 2009. She lives on the North Shore of Massachusetts, in Chelsea, which has a very high crime rate. Her house was recently broken into - in the middle of a sunny day. The male intruder broke down her door. As usual, my Mother was home alone, and talked her way out of being assaulted or worse. She was so lucky, she told the man that her son was coming soon, so he left without hurting her. She refused to call the police, because she said - it would be too much trouble to answer all their questions, and she didn't want them in her house. My Dad neglected home maintenance for years, so the house needs a lot of work. My Mother could not get him to fix anything around the house. I am 61 years old and married. My husband is 65 and is partially disabled from the injuries he suffered when he was a Firefighter. He is retired on a small pension, and was denied Accidental Disability Insurance, since he is not fully disabled. He can't do the things he used to do around our house. We had to hire landscapers to do the mowing, and leaf clean up, which costs a lot of extra money, which we really can't afford. We live in Holliston, MA, the Metrowest area, 30 miles away from my Mother's house. It takes us about an hour to get to her house. My brother is 59 years old, married, and lives a half mile from my Mother, about 5 minutes away. So you may see where this is leading. My Mother refuses any outside help, so her house always gets dirty, she can't see the dirt, and drops food on the floor. We all pitched in and redid one of the first floor apartments for her, gave her brand new appliances, some new furniture, it's very clean and pretty. We did not want her going up and down the stairs to her upstairs apartment, because she already fell down on those stairs, and it was a miracle that she didn't break any bones. So, my Mother still stays upstairs in the bigger apartment, which now has no furniture, no fridge or stove, and she sleeps on one dirty old sofa which she wanted to keep upstairs. The point of moving her downstairs was to avoid all the stairs. So what does she do now? She goes up and down the stairs, all day, getting her mail, and some food from the fridge and bringing it upstairs to eat, she still has a tiny table and some old chairs. She eats only crackers, and toast with coffee, nothing else. She says she loves where she lives, that Chelsea is a wonderful city and the people are so nice and wonderful. However, she never sees anyone, she is alone 24/7, she has no friends, the neighbors never check in with her. Her younger sister lives close by, but she has many health problems of her own, and does not even call my Mother. BUT (I just love this) she refuses to go to the Chelsea Senior Center, because she thinks that the Seniors who go there are so "low-class" and ignorant, she is too smart to associate with them. In addition to all this: Her Eye Specialists said she needed the Association of the Blind to help her out. So they came to her house, and she hated them. She said they are very low-class people, they are pests, and they wanted to come back to her house to help her out some more, so she got rid of them. They gave her a reading aid, a magnifier, which she put in the closet, and refuses to use it. I can go on and on. She found out that I wanted to have a family get-together /BBQ this past summer, at my house. So, my Mom insisted that she wanted to have it at her house, and she would make lots of food, everything that she used to make for the Holidays. I agreed with her, because I wanted to do what would make her happy, so I had to stay at her house for 2 weeks, to clean it, go food shopping with her, and we cooked for 3 days. I had a few melt-downs at her house, almost a nervous breakdown.
To get to the point, my Mother refuses all help, refuses to get an alarm system for the house, and no medical alert device for her. She calls them a gimmick to get the Elderly to spend all their money. It is a disaster waiting to happen. She will not call my brother for anything, sometimes she will take a cab by herself. But, she needs me to go with her to the Eye Doctors in Boston, and Brookline. I go to all of her appointments with her, and I also stay a few days at a time, in the downstairs apt. She simply can't see where she is going, and would fall down without my help. She won't bother my brother, because he has an "important" job and she doesn't want him to take any time off. I gave up my job in 2005, to stay with my parents for 6 weeks, when my Mother had an eye operation, and my Dad was very sick, and needed a lot of care. He also refused any outside helpers. Since then, I have not gone back to work, because I have to be available for my Mom, she has so many Doc visits. We have spent a lot of our savings, and retirement, because I spend my time going back and forth to my Mom's house. Now, my kids think that I should move in with my Mom, so she won't be alone. My cousin told us that we need to sell our house and move back to Chelsea. I told them I didn't want to live there or even near there, with the high crime rate. Their answer was, there is crime everywhere. I can't win. So, my opinion is that Elders can be very selfish. The reason? They cause everyone around them to worry about them, night and day. It drives me insane, and my Mother doesn't care about my fears for her. She is happy, as long as she can be "independent".

My 82 year old mother is still living independently, but her COPD is at a stage where she can no longer walk very far without losing her breath, even with her oxygen. She no longer drives by choice, but her reliance on my sister and I to take her shopping, doctor's appointments and housekeeping is becoming difficult. We both work and live quite a distance. She refuses to look into alternatives for anything. All she wants is to stay in her home until she dies and rely only on us for whatever her needs are and will become. As DPOA, I am dreading having to make choices she does not want. She has the finances to hire additional help. There is inexpensive transportation that will accommodate her needs. She does hire the next door neighbor for house maintence, yardwork and snow shoveling, but their availability is limited. Forget assisted living or senior housing, she will not move. She flatly told me no nursing home. My sister offered to move in with her and help out, but my mother does not want my sister's handicapped son coming with her. My other sister offered for her to live with her and so has my son, nope mother doesn't want that either. I am not an option and that is the only one my mother wants. She is competent to make decisions, but choses not to and live as if nothing will ever change until she dies. I live each day with dread to when her situation will change for the worse and it will be on my shoulder's to make choices for her she does not want. I understand where she is coming from, but it is so unfair to do nothing but wait for whatever happens without any planning on her part.

It does not look good.

I am now in serious trouble as it does not look good at all. Mum refused carers help from social services and outer care agencies and still tried to attend to herself. She has evidence of self neglect because she has not been capable and the place she stayed at said she was not entitled to an ambulance because she was not a full time resident and that I had no right to send her GP to see her at the home. If I had not have intervened goodness knows what would have happened.

her doctors that are treating her do not like care homes it is obvious.

mum's gp has right go at me for her staying at that home when she would have been better off at home with carers and has asked me why she would want to give up everything she has worked for when there is absolutely need and her consultant has asked me why she would turn on her family and friends for no reason? I have told both of them they will have to ask her.

All of us that have parents with dementia are facing similar problems. We certainly behaved better when we were their children, right? I do have to mention that my mother, who has had dementia for 6 years, is extremely funny. She doesn't make sense at times, gives appropriate answers and askes funny questions.....for instance...my two sisters, brother, brother in law and myself were visiting (4 cars in the driveway)...my mother can see out the window...out of no where she says "did you guys know there are a bunch of cars in the driveway..are you giving me a surprise party". So, while we fret and worry about them, they are in some ways, healthier than we are. I see no worries in my mothers eyes..her smiles are genuine and cannot understand why we look so stressed. Remember... humor can be a part of this awful sickness if you let it.

When I read your experiences, support and love for other caregivers I just think what an honor it is for me to be part of this group. You are so experienced and wise.

I needed to wait until my mom had a fall more frightening to her than many others before I could get her into the care she needed. When it happened, since I was with her daily, I was ready to pounce and "she" made the decision to join my dad at the nursing home where he lived just blocks from me. I hated waiting but knew Mom would resist even though she was unsafe at home. She had a personal alarm, I did her shopping, light cleaning, took her to appointments, helped make special lunches for her friends and anything else I could. However, I had young children at home and other elders needing me. I couldn't be with her 24/7.

She wasn't in the fix than many of the stories on this page talk about, however the idea is similar. Sometimes, all we can do is wait until they scare themselves into cooperating at least for awhile - then make the move. It's agony waiting. The next step (setting up care and the adjustment) isn't exactly fun, either. But often no one - doctors, attorney's, social workers, family members, friends - can get cooperation. The advice you have for one another here is life sustaining for many.

Keep helping each other, caregivers. You are the best,
Carol

they have noticed she can be stubborn.

and carers. and the scheme manager she gets on well with.

they have agreed with me should would have been better off at home in sheltered housing with people she knows and cared about her.

mum still very ill. her consultant has had a right go at me for her staying at that place as her gp has. obviously in this instance the doctors that are treating her do not like care homes.

Thanks hummingbird. I put the necessary things in place

Hope she, and you, get the help you need. Keep us posted

mum is now in hospital I called the gp her came out with the hour and she was admitted straight away. She is very ill.

Hi Guys! Crisis has happened. I had to call Mum's GP who came with the hour (surprise, surprise) and she is now in hospital.....