Elderly Parents, Poor Decisions. Is this unavoidable?

Question

Elderly Parents, Poor Decisions. Is this unavoidable?

Follow

Share

My parents, (F - 87, M-81) both still have 95% of their marbles rolling around in their skulls and they both are still vertical (as my father likes to say), but WOW, they are now making HORRIBLE, unsafe choices in their everyday lives! I've seen this exact scenario play out in multiple elderly loved ones (grandmother, aunts, etc.) Is this simply the unavoidable trajectory every person takes when they reach a certain age?

Background - my sister had a MIL, who was otherwise very with it, but would NOT stop climbing on stools, ladders, chairs, etc. She fell and broke bones many, many times but kept doing this, insisting on "reaching that thing on the top shelf" or "changing that light bulb herself!" My grandmother fell multiple times the same way. My aunt fell off a stool several times and got VERY angry if anyone dared to mention taking her stool away. Now my mother recently climbed on a rickety step ladder to change a light bulb, knowing I was coming to her house a few hours later and could have done this for her! Said she didn't want ME climbing!

My father climbed a ladder and got on his roof to spread a tarp over a leak 2 WEEKS after having major back surgery, rather than pay someone to come do "such a simple task."

He can barely walk, yet REFUSES to use a walker or rollater in public. He has congestive heart failure and dumps salt on everything. He says he has stopped adding salt. Now uses lemon pepper. What is the #1 ingredient in lemon pepper? SODIUM! He recently had to spend a few days in the ICU due to his CHF. The reason - he stopped taking his diuretic! Said he was tired of having to get up all night and pee. He almost died. Was hurting in his chest for a week and developed pneumonia, but said he was afraid of covid, so he would not go to the ER. And yet, they REFUSE to stay home with Covid going on. They go out to eat multiple times a week. She goes shopping multiple times a week.

She visits the beauty salon weekly. When I express concerns about the beauty salon she says "Oh, she's CLEAN! She has a clean shop. She doesn't have covid!"

They both drive and neither should. I personally have witnessed my mother take her eyes off the road and BOTH hands off the steering wheel to answer her cell phone when it rings! My dad has poor reflexes and his driving is very jerky and scary!

My mom hoards and their house is an unsafe disaster. She won't let anyone touch anything and gets very combative about it.

What can we possibly do?

Age Related Decline Home Safety Senior Health

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

33 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

You are at the caregiving stage of "waiting for the disaster to happen". As daughteror1930 said "events will happen that will make the decisions for you." My nurse friend who worked with the elderly said "As long as they are competent they are allowed to make their own decisions, even bad ones." So, do what you can make things safe for them but realize that they are likely to undo all your work and ignore your pleas. But the other part of this is drawing hard boundaries on how much you are willing to do for them to keep them in their home. Most of us start out doing small tasks, and then the tasks get bigger and more frequent, until finally, it is a constant to-do list and caregiving role that can't be sustained. The parent thinks they are living "independently" but they are not. DO NOT DO THIS. Learn from my mistakes. Do not put yourself in harm's way during Covid. If they are out and about in the stores, hairdresser, etc let them know that you cannot and will not be helping them or by to see them because you do not want to be infected. Put a little pressure on them in that way. Don't try to convince them that they must keep themselves safe, try to convince them that they must keep you safe. You are at one of the hardest stages in this journey - knowing that the current situation is a disaster waiting to happen, and wondering if each phone call is the disaster.

Helpful Answer (20)

Report

I read a lot of comments here that mom or dad doesn’t have dementia but left the stove on, got lost driving and so on.

I think the term is Executive Reasoning. Or lack of. My mom didn’t have dementia, could pass most cognitive tests, knew time, date, place, current events but would fall for phone scams, refused any outside help, would not use her walker and thought dads driving was just fine (OMG!!)

Its that no mans land of legally competent but for all practical matters a train wreck. I traveled that horrible road with my folks for years until the crisis that forced the issue.

Helpful Answer (18)

Report

You have described them perfectly. My dad is a deacon at church and frequently leads the Sunday school service. My mother before Covid was very active and several clubs. But as you described she has fallen for several scams. She sends money to almost Any charity which claims to help disabled veterans! She is obviously on the “sucker list” now and you would not believe the number of pieces of junk mail she gets weekly from various “disabled veteran “ charities! My dad complains about her getting into that situation but I cannot tell you how many magazine subscriptions I’ve had to cancel for him as he “somehow unknowingly applied for them. “

(10)

Report

See 1 more reply

A wise social worker friend told me years ago “events will happen that will make the decisions for you” I had to wait a very long time for the events, but they are inevitable. People age, their bodies and capabilities decline, and rotten things happen. My dad had end stage CHF for years. He wasn’t about to change his diet to accommodate it, he’d much prefer to make jokes and laugh it off, and in truth, who am I to say he was wrong? Your parents will have things happen, falls are coming, and at some point they’ll be forced to make changes. The only thing you need to get forceful about is driving, have their doctor evaluate that and make a recommendation. I wish you well, it’s not fun watching the decline and questionable decision making

Helpful Answer (15)

Report

They have multiple family members who are medical professionals who all say let them eat what they want and do what they want because they are past 80.

The problem with this is that falling off a ladder and breaking a hip will then cause a burden on the family members who have to take care of her.

Continuing to eat lots of salt and not take his water pills will result in a hospital stay weakness and inability to get around which will then burden family members who have to take care of him.

I recall my grandmother refusing to use her quad cane and dragging it behind her like a dog on a leash. she was dragging out the day she stumbled over a speed bump in a parking lot and busted her kneecap! This fall resulted in a burden on my mother who had to take care of her all because she refused to use her quad cane.

(11)

Report

My cousin's sister Bernie was the worst of the worst when it came to making Bad Decisions. She was 81 years old and still insisted on........WASHING HER FEET IN THE SINK every night!!!! Yup. Picture this: teetering on one leg, she'd lift the other leg up, grab her foot and stick it in the sink! Scrub it with soap and water, rinse, and repeat with the other foot. The very thought of me trying to do that at 63 turns my hair even grayer.

No amount of reasoning, talking, bribing, cajoling on earth could talk Bernie out of washing her feet in the sink every night.

After she fell and broke her arm in 3 places one night after washing her feet in the sink, she proceeded to go downhill very quickly and passed away a month later.

Moral of the story: you can't save a person from herself. Sad but true.

Xena...climbing a ladder to spread a tarp on the ROOF 2 weeks after having major back surgery makes Bernie's story look like a fairy tale.

Helpful Answer (15)

Report

I was reading the responses to this post and found yours, I have to say not everyone at 63 is necessarily "old". I'm 60 was a caregiver for 8 years, have been "free" so to speak for a year now, I lift weights, real weight, and I work eight acres, currently clear cutting five acres of woods and tree down fall with a chain saw and hedge trimmer on my own, I burn massive brush piles twice the size of my truck, no help, everybody knows I do this work, they drive by and stop to visit with me, my kids know and watch me work, how your body ages depends on how you live your life, keeping moving is what I say. Oh and foot washing is best done in the tub lol.

(7)

Report

See 1 more reply

First answer to this is what you are referring to are life habits, especially if you've lived in the same house for several years and it's a small house, you store your stuff high in closets, on the tops shelves, in the attic, etc... on shelving in the garage. And with dad getting on the roof, he's probably done it many many times over the years, the old saying "old habits die hard". There's also a pride factor of not wanting to ask for help, and from what I've seen usually help is not readily available and people don't want to wait a week to get the vegetable oil off the top shelf in the kitchen just so they can fix one dinner or get the antenna on the roof moved, they also don't want to hear that someone has complained they had to help them.

Through my caregiving experience I took consideration of how my parent would feel about day to day life and getting through each day, and how I would feel in the same position because most of us will be some day, and I offered the help before it was needed. A critical thinker will evaluate their storage needs to get what they need regularly on a lower level, maybe see if they'd like to donate some things they're not using since a lot of families now are having a hard time do to this pandemic and don't have funds to even take care of Christmas for their kids, that may be a motivator to declutter, if not come spring maybe a garage sale would be a motivator to clear some things out and get storage on lower ground. Also ladies and their hairdresser and dads and their barbers it can be like family, I'd leave that alone. I would address all issues with them respectfully and with great forethought. Seniors are wise(r) whether you want to admit that or not, they've seen far more than we have, I have seen many family members over the years sit, watch, listen and calculate, they simply are evaluating whether the other person in the room or the topic is worth the extra effort, don't ever make assumptions on any seniors, everyone's life experience is different just because you reach a certain age does not mean you are unaware, money gets tight sometimes, and some things are sentimental and sometimes it just hurts to move simple as that.

Helpful Answer (11)

Report

This is the best post! I was looking for someone to see the other side of the story. It is not so easy to age. No one has offered to drive the ten miles to the grocery store for me . nor has my child that lives across the road offered to spend ten minutes to adjust my toilet so it flushes properly. I just get told to call a plumber. Is it like money grows on trees? Think what it costs to live 20 or so years without a paycheck! Social Security checks are a drop in the bucket but still grateful to get one.
Savings can deplete pretty quickly especially with inflation. My deceased FIL used to say, " You don't know how much it will cost to get out of this world." Therefore we need to be careful with our savings. I had to get elderly to understand my parents that I GOT to help in their final years. No quilt here.

(1)

Report

I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

I like to call it stubbornness! My mom was very stubborn when she lived with me. She had to have everything her way.

They feel that they are still the boss and don’t want anyone telling them what is best.

I admire independent thinkers. I really do but when a person reaches a certain age and can no longer be totally independent, they have a responsibility to rely on others for help for all concerned.

As you say, their independent nature wrecks havoc in all of our lives.

The problem is, we can’t force them to comply and do what is best for everyone.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

I can relate. I tried for 2 years to tell my parents they needed more help, their house wasn’t safe, they weren’t eating well, they weren’t cleaning well, their behavior wasn’t safe, dad was wasting money writing checks to every charity and buying subscriptions to every magazine. Fell on deaf ears. 18 months ago they finally agreed to a monthly housecleaning. A panicked phone call in April 2019 saying my dad didn’t remember how to file taxes was when they agreed for me to handle their finances. 6 months later, a crisis with my daughter’s health meant I had to leave the state for a week and scramble to find someone to check on them daily. I wrote a 4 page letter to them on the plane explaining why they should move to AL. They read it...multiple times...apologized profusely...and then refused to move after I’d made all the arrangements. Mom started falling and they finally allowed me to put grab bars in the bathroom and remove their wobbly glass-topped coffee table. A few months later I got a call from the police department of a town 20 miles away that my father had driven there and didn’t know where he was or how to get home. So they finally agreed to 12 hrs a week of in-home help so that they wouldn’t need to get out in the car without me. After a month, they were both hospitalized twice within a 4 week period and I had to ramp up to 24/7 care with 2 hrs notice. When I got the first bill and realized it would cost $20,000/month to allow them to safely remain in their home with 24/7 care (when mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities, home maintenance, food factored in) I finally said NO MORE. As a single woman, trying to keep my full-time job while dealing with all this stress on my own (yes, like most other people on here I have siblings who do nothing), I couldn’t do it anymore. Got the PoA in effect and moved them without any further justification or discussion into MM together. My mom complains. My dad is relieved. My life is much improved, though I’m now spending most of my free time cleaning out their house, managing their mail, money, etc. I’m angry at their refusal to take steps years ago that could have prevented these crises...or at least mitigated them to some degree. But yes, you will finally reach that “point of no return” where there are no longer any other options. I have vowed I WILL NOT DO THIS TO MY KIDS. They’re only in their 20’s, but I’ve written them all a letter that says what signs to look for that my life is starting to become unmanageable by me alone. And to talk to me BEFORE it reaches crisis proportions about what needs to be done. And if I refuse to listen, then to take out my letter and show it to me and remind me of what I don’t want to put them through. And hopefully I will still be cogent enough to comply with their suggestions of how to move forward safely and logically. What you are experiencing is the tip of the iceberg and you need to try as hard as you can to get them to see what lies down the road and convince them to get into a safe situation ASAP.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

Susan, your story is much like my own. Years of trying to get parents to allow help at home, the battle to get them in assisted living and on and on......Mom died 2 years ago, dad died this September. Now I’m going through probate. Never ends.

(3)

Report

You're right, they are making poor decisions. Unfortuneatly your trying to convince them otherwise won't work. They think they're still 35. One thing that may help is to change all the lights to LEDs. There will be no reason to change a burned out light, the lamps will outlive them both. Your dad reminds me of mine. He was pretty much a tightwad and wouldn't pay for anything that he thought he could do.

Driving is especially a problem. It sounds like they both still have all their faculties and are functioning pretty well. However, age alone reduces one's reaction time, judgment and visual perception. Does the AL facility provide transportation for its residents? You might want to try to sell them on utilizing the facility's transportation as much as possible.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

They are not in assisted living. They live in their own house out in a rural area. 2 years ago my siblings took them around to visit some assisted living facilities, just to have some things in mind. My parents willingly went to do this, but the thought in my mom's head was nothing beyond "this is an activity to enjoy with my kids. I have no intention of EVER moving out of my house!"

(4)

Report

Unless they’ve been professionally assessed, don’t count on them being 95% intact. Doesn’t sound that way from your post.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

This is so difficult! Why don't they just do the right thing?? They are doing such risky things and thinking they are totally fine, etc. etc.

IF they really have their marbles, then, I guess you can just kind of throw your hands up and walk away? Sure. How can you do that? Don't ask me cuz I'm in a similar boat. Ready to explode due to my mom not wanting to do what she needs to do to be a success story after her surgery.

I guess the only thing that you might need to intervene in is the driving. It seems like they should not be driving. People are too stubborn for their own good. I guess we can all have an accident at any time. Has your mom always done these poor driving skills and not had an accident? Just dumb luck?

So sorry that you're dealing with so much crap!

Elderly Parents, Poor Decisions. Is this unavoidable?

33 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions