I occasionally visit a parent in a memory care facility who has alzheimers. I dont like visiting. Mainly it is to check out that they are being looked after and to be seen as another pair of eyes watching the caregivers. It is very difficult to communicate with the parent. They also have toileting issues as well which I find uncomfortable. The alzheimers is at the severe stage.
I also never had a good relationship with the parent prior to them having Alzheimer's and they have never helped me out much in my life. I have pretty much been or felt on my own since about 12 years of age and built serious independence in my life. So, I don't feel much motivation to visit. I am also very busy and do not have a lot of spare time.
So I tend to visit about once a month just to check in for half an hour or so, check that they are being looked after, look in their room etc. It's not quality time. It's just me checking things out.
How do other children of Alzheimer's parents deal with parents with serious Alzheimer's? Are there other people who grapple with similar sentiment? People who have not had a good childhood/abusive childhood and have never had a good relationship with the parent?
You sound smart, strong and practical. You won’t find any resolution to your past by visiting her. I can only share what works for me, but like I said, I feel at peace and I am doing much better than when I first had to step in and manage her care. I did go to counseling and it was very helpful.
That is quite interesting, I've never heard of this before. I wish I'd read this much earlier, a friend of mine had similar issues with a step-parent in LTC who also abused her and could never bear to think of him as father... she always referred to him by his first name instead, even though she said that bothered her, too. 'Client' implies a connection but not personal.
It is totally ridiculous to expect someone who is abused emotionally or physically to take care of their abuser.
That expectation in itself is abusive. Thus, the abused adult child is twice abused. Once by the parent and then again by society.
No one would expect a wife to stay with an abusive husband, and take care of him.
No one would expect a POW to take care of his abusive prison guards in their old age.
I go to see my mother in her MC as I can handle it. She doesn’t enjoy my visits, and I end up angry and frustrated.
I visit enough to keep an eye on things. I also keep in frequent contact with my mother’s caregivers there.
Your 1x per mo. visit falls under “honoring” this parent, in way of the fact that you were given life. Your life matters! You have a destiny to be fulfilled.
I think you’ve shown great wisdom to put boundaries up around your heart, your life and your time. No guilt. The fact that you’ve raised yourself since 12 yrs. old is a testimony to true grit, determination, resilience and survivor skills.
I give you my admiration and respect.
God bless you!
I've always had a poor/dysfunctional relationship with my mother; including emotional enmeshment, abuse, parentifying, etc. Even before she was placed in assisted living memory care, she was demonstrating severe paranoia, abusive conduct and irrational behavior. I learned to practice grey rock and low contact. Both these techniques helped me achieve some emotional distance, which in turn really helped me cope and get on with life.
Hope this helps.
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