Mom is 91, has moderately severe dementia and NPD. Brother, 60, is former meth addict, NPD, Borderline PD, TBI, and has moved in with her. He is the type of narcissist that can talk for 1 hour without taking a breath and doesn't even know it. He uses anger, self-pity and charm as forms of manipulation to get my mother to do whatever he wants. He is extremely competitive and jealous of anyone who has even a little bit of my mom's attention. I choose not to go no contact due to being in charge of her trust (there is a large inheritance that I don't want my brother to steal). I am working with a therapist who says I should study Gray Rock and recommends that as the way to go. Can anyone share some insight or tips from personal experience with me? Thank you
Perhaps the therapist has other visuals for you to incorporate into your visits.
I agree with janeinspain - bring someone else with you when you have to visit mom or talk to him. He doesn't need to know why and will likely "behave" when someone else is there. At least you are aware of how he is and that he can "turn on the charm", but also can turn that off in an instant!
My OB was abusive to me when we were young (physically, verbally, emotionally.) As we got older and spent less time together, it did seem to get better. Being separated as adults, only seeing each other on occasion and others would be there, his "behavior" seemed okay. I was concerned about my niece when I observed some of his treatment of her, but had no idea how bad it was. She and I have talked about it since.
He came here several times to help clearing out mom's condo. Last time was May 2018. I should have realized I had been given some warning signs during previous visits, but missed them. This last time he actually got very angry and crossed the room to throw me to the floor, twice. I told him to get out and the whole time he was packing up he was yelling and nasty! Two days later he shows up with a car load of crap from mom's to drop off. Not only do I not want this crap, I want nothing to do with him and wouldn't open up. Clearly he forgets all about the issue after it is over, but not me, not this time! He also is one to blame everyone else for whatever and criticizes everyone he works with or does any business with. Although he didn't stay home with mom and dad, he IS the golden boy. Often she will ask if I have heard from him. When I visit mom, I get "Oh, what're you doing here?" and/or "Where'd you come from?" When he showed up it was like Jesus came down from the cross!!! She fawned over him like there was no tomorrow! The most ironic part is he has no idea how to deal with her dementia and will likely never visit again (he isn't local either, thankfully. he will NEVER be welcome in my presence again and I have no plan to even talk to him ever again.) I had encouraged him to run up one morning with coffee and donut before we head to cleaning. The next time I suggested he go visit, he said he doesn't know what to do with her! THIS from one of two brothers who both said they'd take her in for the money it costs for MC (they had NO idea how expensive it is!)
So, yeah, don't go there alone. Although for now he seems more like the verbal/emotional abuser, you never know...
PS After this incident, I did some research. Although it is not well studied, there are indications that sibling abuse is more prevalent than any other form of domestic abuse! Most people chalk it up to sibling rivalry, boys will be boys and all that blather. There is a HUGE difference between sibling rivalry and abuse! Although they never did anything about him otherwise, they did move him upstairs before it was finished because they were afraid he was going to kill me at night (we had to share a room before that.)
I tried to get others together for "special" days, it was easiest to go to the MC place and pay them for the meal (get more food and nicer meal for less elsewhere!), but it is a lot of effort just trying to get an answer and then trying to get everyone at the same time/day. I think my coordinating days are OVER. Sitting home alone with my cats, no matter what day of the year it is, could be preferable... ;-)