I am the difficult neighbor, I am the difficult employee, I am the difficult family member. I hate my life and I hate myself nowadays.
My older sister moved out of state 40 years ago. My older brother moved out of state 35 years ago. When Mom got older and had physical problems, I moved back, both for her and for my child who needed a home to start adulthood in (I was in the Army then).
I have a job that asks for 150% effort due to Federal government deadlines. Mom can't walk well and a physical therapist is beginning to come to our home twice a week. My 21-year-old grandson moved in with us, and frankly, he's pretty much useless around the house and home. I'm tired. I'm tired of having to unpack gifts from brother and sister to my Mom and having to bag them, wrap them, or put them in a vase and water. I'm tired of having to buy all the groceries. I'm tired of nobody giving me suggestions for what to make or buy for dinner. I'm tired of working for a thankless government job. I'm tired of Mom asking me to buy and pack gifts for her out-of-state children, of her insisting I find the right storage container, making dinner her way, hearing her complain of her minor aches and pains. I have lost all my friends and any kind of social life at all.
And really, it has come to the point that I just about hate everybody. I feel like I am going crazy,
1. Grandson: not sure why he is living there but he won’t learn responsibility and adulting skills (which are sorely lacking in this generation) unless being given some. Make a list of his new duties. He can also learn to start dinner. If my mom could teach us when we were in high school while she worked there is no reason he can’t learn. On top of that he will learn a valuable skill.
2. I agree with the other poster who said to level with your sibs on the gifts. They probably send gifts out of guilt for not being there. Tell them gift cards for meals or Amazon is better. Mom can order and have gifts sent via online shipping. Tell them you are out of the gift wrap and shipping business. It has closed.
these are a few things but you get the drift. You need to set some serious boundaries with everyone and feel like you have control. Book a massage a month and have that be your spa day. Do not let family interfere and sonny can watch great granny. Go out with a friend once a month. Make one day a week a "ME day" and tell them that is the new standard. The reason you hate everyone, yourself and your life is because you have NO JOY and no control. You are being taken advantage of. But if you keep playing by the old rules you will continue to spiral down and how is that working for you? It’s not is it? This is an oldie but good truism...Dr. Phil said "we teach people how to treat us" and boy have they ever learned. When you teach them the new way...watch your spirit improve.
Please keep coming but also please tell us what solutions you’ve clicked with. You can do this...NO is not a dirty word. It’s ok to put yourself first for a change. No one is going to die because you make new rules.
I often dislike myself at the end of the day - I'm just not patient enough with my dementia mother and difficult father. At the end of the day I say to myself I will try better tomorrow, but it's all I can do - like you, I'm doing the best that I can.
Please remember to care for yourself. I know it's almost impossible to find the time, but somehow you have to figure out a way. And know you are not alone, there are many of us going through similar circumstances and feelings.
I have learned the caregiving role can have massive mission creep.
Please keep seeking advice & practical help.
There are many ways to be a caregiver. Not everyone does the 24/7 live-in model. Being a loving visitor to Mum (being cared for in AL or NH) is also caring - just in a different way.
The things that that are bothering you are not the kind of things that should be making you so sad — putting flowers in a vase? Maybe they were sent for your enjoyment too. Are you really upset that your Mom is buying other people gifts? If these types of things are causing you anxiety, you probably need medical help.
You are are the only person with the power to change your treatment of others, your actions, your life. . .
There are two routes to happiness (1) change your expectations (be happy where you are by changing your outlook), or (2) change your circumstances.
You cannot change others or their behaviors, (but you can impact the way they feel about you).
Why not choose to be “the other kind of” neighbor, employee and friend. Maybe you will like the results better.
grandson needs to help regularly around the house AND pay rent and part of utilities if he wants to say. I once had a counselor say to me that if I really didn’t like my situation, I would change it.
Be brave, tAke the first step immediately