My mom is at home in hospice (end stage cancer) The social worker suggested going to the funeral and doing prearranging as it would be a bit easier earlier than closer to the time. Made sense, and I did. As time gets closer I (mom's only caregiver other than those we pay) cannot even imagine going through the ordeal of it all. I feel I've taken care of my mom with no support (not even emotional) from anyone who would be at this funeral. My brother (who lives in another state and has no relationship with mom and never did) says it is for closure for those left behind. I will be THE ONLY ONE LEFT BEHIND!!! And a funeral will certainly not give me any closure.My mother had no close relationships with anyone who would be there. To hear all that "sorry for your loss" I wonder sometimes why do I have to put myself through that. As someone said to me: everyday of my life is my eulogy to my mom. Someone else said: You are giving her the flowers while she is alive. What do others think? If you think I need to do this Please help with the motivation part.
but .. *shrugs* I'll leave it where it ended. Except to say, if I went to any service or celebration, right now, my options would be to choose between lying about how I feel, or blasting everyone in the room. I choose the higher road to stay away. I don't need no damned "closure" .. not yet.
Regarding the elderly............... such.different circumstances.
My elderly MIL and mom will be buried without fanfare. Same for me. In a way, my husbands funeral was a celebration of "us" - him and me. Now it's just me and I believe that I was already honored along with him in 2010. No more needs to be said or done. Just put me beside him in the cemetery - that's all I want.
Simply, the ones I remember best were outdoor, graveside services. I really do not remember much about the limousine service, grand floral tributes, singers, fancy hardwood coffins. What I do think stands out is when someone quotes a passage of scripture, poem, or story that reflects who that person was. What did they stand for. Those are the moments in a funeral service that mean the most and likely offer comfort to the family. The funerals that I remember best really were simple affairs.
Myself, I like graveside, simple affairs. I was raised and continue to live in a rural community where the standard funeral is a packed community hall or church, with a huge potluck dinner afterward. I am most willing to participate and cook, serve and cleanup for these events. For me and mine, less is more.
When my father in law died about 4 years ago, when we were at the funeral home setting things up for the funeral, my mother in law did a pre-paid funeral for herself. That way she got what she wanted. Some of my wife's family seemed to think she should have went for a bigger funeral for both of them, but again didn't want to pay for it themselves.
Funny how people want something until they're asked to pay for it.
Take care of yourself. And do not feel guilty about anything. You have done a tremendous job taking care of your mom and giving her loving care. Give some back to yourself.
After all you have given I would prefer to think you are in a spa getting a little me time than standing at attention while a bunch of people who have not called you in a year tell you how sorry they are for your loss.
I miss my Dad terribly, after a couple of years of hating a lonely Father's Day, this year I picked up mom, took flowers to the cemetery and took her to a new restaurant. While Dad was alive - that was his thing - he always wanted to try the latest place - not fancy, just new. We did something he would have liked in that we honored him.
Best of luck
I'm not going to any of it. I've made all the arrangements, I've been grieving for the last seven months, and I need to be done. I've told everyone, for years, that I'm not going to my own service, I'm not going to anyone else's. Dad agreed.
LadeeC
For myself, I would prefer to be cremated and not have a funeral. I would rather get the flowers and love while alive... I would not want someone at my funeral "grieving" when they did not give me love or support in life.