My mother has had severe OCD throughout her entire life. It manifests itself in her through constant worry, fear, irrational thoughts and depression (not in ways such as excessive hand washing, checking door locks repeatedly, etc.). In the past 2 years, her physical health has declined due to chronic issues such as AFIB, arthritis, neuropathy, etc. This has elevated her OCD even more. She now calls me 3-4 times/day about something related to her health fears. She has a psychologist but only has phone appointments with his occasionally, in spite of my suggestion that she utilize his services more frequently. I live out of state from her, but try and visit her every 5-6 weeks. I am an only child, so no real family support for me other than her elderly brother who lives near her and can only do so much. She lives in a rural county with few aging services. Any advice on how I manage my increasing resentment and anger over the situation?
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/setting-boundaries-with-parents-who-are-abusive-142804.htm
You're basically not going to stop feeling angry and resentful at the situation because it's not normal and it's very irritating, let's face it. Be glad you live far away. My parents followed me all over the country so I was exposed to this nonsense all the time for the majority of my life. I had a good break, thank God, when we moved back East and they moved to Florida where the cost of living was less. Then I moved them back to be near me when dad had to stop driving at 87.
Limited contact is the only way to survive a person like this, an Energy Vampire is what I call them. You're drained after a conversation where the sky is falling and you're reminded 20x to lock the windows and the doors, at 60 years old. Plus you're aggravated because, like me, you've been stripped of the opportunity to have a normal mother your whole life, or a normal relationship.
My mother finally went on antidepressants at 88 years old after I spoke to her PCP. I told mom I'd quit doing things for her if she didn't take the pills, period. So she did. They helped her neurotic worrying somewhat, but by then dementia had set in. She wound up in Memory Care Assisted Living and dying at 95.
Do not answer the phone every time she calls, number 1. What for? People like this refuse to be talked down off the ledge ANYWAY, or, if they are, there's another ledge 3' away! Set boundaries down to help yourself, not mom. And follow them strictly. Limited contact will prevent the mind chatter from driving you bonkers.
And if mom has an accident where she needs help at home, DO NOT MOVE HER IN WITH YOU OR MOVE IN WITH HER. It's Assisted Living all the way. Make sure you don't break thst promise to yourself because living with a person like this is sheer torture.
Good luck to you.
The *cure* for constantly checking windows was found by permanently locked them. Gets to 35C (95F) regularly in summer where we live. No air con growing up.
We could make a club..
The OCD survivors club.
I hadn't considered BPD.. interesting. Nothing Dx of course as nothing the matter.
I was going to suggest Assisted Living. I would think with more people near by to help her if she needed it and to also help her when she just needs to be reassured.
But since she will not consider it.....
That leaves you patching holes in your emotional hazmat suit. (By the way great description!)
If you can...
Tell mom that you will answer calls on___________and give her a day of the week.
Let other calls go to voice mail.
If there is an emergency I am sure your contact info is visible in her home. And I am sure if she would call you, and you will know it is an emergency when you check your VM. But the ER would call you if she is brought in.
You are right, you can't change her you can only change your actions and reactions to her.
Keep trying to maintain your boundaries.
I read once it can be triggered by a virus, not sure if this is at all true at all.. but it helps me to leave blame aside. I don't know what causes it. I can't cure it. I can't really help in any way. All I can do is keep myself safe from the fallout. That's been my life long approach.
That includes limiting contact to what I am comfortable with. One call a day would be my max.
My mother would never get diagnosed or help for her mental illness, anxiety , depression , obsessions , victim complex etc . She wasn’t “ crazy “ , “ everyone else is wrong “.
You are an only child . I was one of 5 but I might as well been the only as she chose me and told me from a young age that I was to take care of her . She was a constant manipulative person my whole life , and made me responsible for her happiness , which never happened . She’s dead going on 6 years , but still coming to terms with some of it, but have and continue to make a lot of progress .
I would suggest to space your visits further apart and make them shorter . Your Mom is going to be the same no matter what .
I do hope a poster named Golden sees this thread. She had a similar mother and would give you very wise advice . Her words are truly Golden . She has helped me .
In general you call her back when it’s convenient for you . Try to get her used to you only speaking to her once a day .
You can’t change her but you can change how you react . Easier said than done of course . Has the doctor tried to make a med change to help her anxiety ?
You didn’t make Mom old or give her OCD , and it can’t be fixed. Maybe it would help for you to speak to a therapist. It is difficult to deal with people with OCD. A therapist could give you ways of dealing with and what to say to Mom.
You could write down some things that Mom says and show the therapist , and the therapist could teach you effective responses to say to Mom to make it better for you and maybe her too .
Do you think Mom would be more comfortable in an independent living or assisted living , so she wasn’t alone ?
Since she’s concerned about medical things maybe she would like assisted living where there is nurse “ in case of an emergency “.
And does she have a life alert button if that’s possible where she’s lives ? Maybe that would make her feel safer being alone .
Finally . Do not move in with Mom , or have Mom move in with you .