How do you deal with a mother so mean and abusive?

DEADRE
My heart goes out to you. I know others will come on and give you encouragrment, Ive been there with my husband and it hears so much to have someone who should love you treat you so badly.

DEADRE
I found that I just had to leave the room often when my husband was verbably abusive which is how your Mom treats you.Sometimes you can talk to the person but I talked about until I was blue in the face. When it was time to come home from rehab he would agree to be better and would be for a few days and then he would go right back to being mean. Now I tell myself I am worth more than that and his power over me to try to bring me down is gone. It took a long time for him to GET IT. When I told him other people were talking about us from what they see when we are out together he was shocked he could not understand what he was doing wrong. Now I don't go out with-I go bymyself to places we use to go together. I don't think your sisters' house will ever be ready- after 6 weeks she should have had at least enough of the house ready to take your Mon back. I was told by a therapist I was waiting for someone to rescue me and that was not going to happen-I had to do it for myself--it was very very hard to change and he resised it like crazy-he was happy me being his servant-his life was good my health was going down the tubes. Keep in touch it helps to verbalize. Take care

Sometimes peaceful non-retaliatory quietness and silence or soft music is the best answer. Mindful quietness will transport you to a peacful place where the "noise" starts to fade into the distance, much like so-called "white noise." Neither your Mom now anyone else ican give you happiness back. If you really want it, you will have to reach for it and re-create it in your world, if you know what I mean. I create my own happiness daily, and it has nothing to do with the circumstances in which I may find myself on any given day. Doesn't mean I don't cry on occasion. After all, you and I are only human. Yes, as 195 Austin has said in his/her reply, keep sharing your feelings with others who understand. That really helps.

Sunshinecaregiver
You are right on the button, since I took back my life so to speak so many people have told me how good I look you do have to rescue yourself. I am a her. This site is so great it took me a while to get on but before that I was able to read others commets and then my son fooled around with my computer and I was able to join in the group-it's great to be with people who get it. I've also learned how to find my own happiness sometimes its just sitting with my cat and talking to him.

I'll bet your cat is more understanding than most! Enjoy that peaceful feeling within.

SUNSHINECAREGIVER
You are right my cat seems to know when my fibromyalgia or R.A. is bad and he sleeps next to me and leans his warm body into mine and his warmth helps me go to sleep- it is the best medician-I lucked out when I met him at the shelter 2 yrs ago and when I cry he really seems to understand.

Animals are intuitive in a way that most humans will never be, including sometimes when they "signal" that something is wrong in their favorite human's life and/or body. Animals "speak" volumes, if we but listen within our Spirits. That is touching how your cat is so close to you, 195Austin!

I just found this site. I've been taking care of my Dad (multiple-strokes) for almost a year. He still lives at home with my Mom who has always been a manipulative, narcisstic person (forget the nurturing mother of Hallmark here). She has fought me every step of the way in trying to take care of Dad, so I finally had to hire an elder care attorney and go to court to become guardian. This was granted the end of May. My 2 sisters are supportive but one lives 4 hours away and the other works 8-5. I run my own business so have more flexibility. My 2 brothers have their heads buried in the sand. Mom has been telling them all kinds of lies about what I've said and what I've done. None of it is true. The brothers believe everything she says. Calling the police has become a new past-time for my brothers. Once there, the police tell them that it's a civil matter and that I have the legal right to be there. My mother now has dementia and has gone around the bend. I hired in-home caretakers that just started last week. They are appalled by my Mom's insanity. My life has been turned upside down. I finally took all of my Dad's meds away from my Mom and now have to run out there (30 min. away) twice a day to give him his pills. This morning, my Mom wouldn't unlock the door to let me in to give Dad his meds. Yesterday, my younger brother barricaded the house and wouldn't let me in. I finally had to call 9-1-1 because it's a life-threatening situation. They told me to get a Writ of Assistance and get my Dad out of there as fast as I can. I'm going to court tomorrow. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My husband and 2 adult sons are very loving and supportive. But that doesn't help with the loss of sleep, the loss of appetite, the inability to focus on my own life. I'm at my wits' end!

Mom doesn't talk to me anymore without snarling and spitting at me. She says she can't even stand to look at me anymore. She's called me the 'enemy' and sent me a 3-page letter of lies about how horrible a person I am. She screams at me, my husband, my sisters and their husbands. She only wants her 2 sons around her. I tell them "you can have her!" The main problem is that she's interfering with my trying to take care of my Dad.

Magicianne
Welcome aboard. You will get a lot of support and encouragement here- I am so sorry for what you are going through. Good luck in court- let us know how it goes.

I feel your pain. I think that sometimes you need to vent about how your treated. I finally just had to take my mother home. She was destroying myself and my children. ALTCS recently said my mother was ineligable for home care. Though the very next day she sprained her wrist and has no idea how. My sister is there with her, but not all the time. I am sure it would not get that bad for me. My thoughts and prayers so go out to you. Life can be so cruel. These are our parents and you just want to help, and we just have to watch them deminish. Sometimes there is nothing we can do.

Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.

Deadre and Magicianne -how are you gals doing.

On Sept. 6th, Dad suffered multiple strokes which affected his left side. He was in the hospital for 4 days....then we moved him to an SNF for rehab. That next Sunday, he had a TIA which affected the left side of his face (drooping) and slurred his speech. This time, I had the ambulance take him to a hospital that has a stroke trauma unit. That was Sunday the 14th. He's still in the hospital. His condition has worsened. Not only from the vascular dementia (he's really starting to hallucinate more) but also from the brain damage from these last series of strokes. The doctors told me last Friday that it's all irreversible. The PT and OT aren't working. Dad has lost his spacial / perceptual abilities. He wants to get out of bed but panics when they even move him from side to side to change his sheets. They recommended Hospice in an ICF. I've been running as fast as I can to get his Medicaid application processed so it'll pick up the cost of the ICF. I've visited and toured facilities and chose one that has a very good reputation and it's homey and the staff seems to really care. My mom, in the meantime, has hired herself another attorney and continues to fight me in what I'm trying to do. She had her attorney send me a 'do not contact' letter which is ludicrous. I'm at the hospital 12-14 hours each day. She comes for a 30-45 min. visit every 3 to 4 days. And yet, she wants to take me back to court to fight for visitation every day from 4:00 - 8:30. I said 'no', that I wasn't going to leave Dad alone for 4-1/2 hours each day in the off chance that she might decide to visit. The 2 brothers are continuing to throw wrenches in the works in support of mom. I finally had to tell the hospital staff not to give them any information on Dad's condition because they were making things worse. The 3 of them showed up at the hospital last night and hovered around Dad's bed, handed him a pen and had him sign a legal document. The nurse saw what they were doing, ran into the room and told them it was illegal. Then she ran to get the social worker who called me. By the time I got there, they were leaving. I have no idea what they had him sign, but whatever it was, it's illegal. I'm his legal guardian and he can no longer sign things.

This whole thing has been the worst nightmare in the world. At a time when I want to be spending with my Dad, I'm constantly having to get on the phone to talk to attorneys and put out 'fires' that my brothers are setting. This afternoon, the hospital quality control manager asked for a meeting with me because my brother called and complained about what I was doing. She looked at my legal documents and said she'd call him back and tell him that everything I was doing was legal. He even complained that the hospital staff was 'spying' on them last night when they had Dad sign whatever that form was.

The nurses tell me that everyone responds to terminal illness in their own way. And that may be what is going on with my mother and brothers. Thank goodness my two sisters are supportive of me and what I'm doing for our Dad.

Has anyone ever had someone like this to deal with???

I do not know where to even begin, I am so frustrated, angry, hurt, and resentful.

My 67 year old father-in-law was diagnosed with Parkinson's approx. 5 years ago. After my mother-in-law died (3 years ago) we noticed that he was not caring for himself. He showed lack of concern of personal grooming, doing things outside of the home, or even energy. After a several discussions with my husband I reluctanely moved into my father-in-law's home with my husband, myself, and my three children. (my father-in-law has always been an ungrateful person and very degrading of my husband - therefore my reluctance) I agreed because I saw the concern in my husband's eyes when he thought of his dad being alone across town.

At first his needs were basic, laundry, preparing meals, preparing his daily medications, transporation to doctor's appts. etc. However, in February of '08 my nightmare started. My father-in-law began to swell in the feet and legs. After taking him to his Cardiologist he was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and placed in the hospital. He spent the next 8 months in and out of hospitals 11 times. During this past 8 months he has been diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure, COPD, Sleep Apnea, Kidney Stone, Deterioration in his back and ankles, Depression, and Anxiety.

Now, he is considered "home bound" and needs help doing pretty much everything on a personal stand point (banking, paying bills, meals, etc.) His physical care varies. He has his days when he needs help putting on his clothes, obtaining things cuz he can't walk, and then he has days when you wouldn't know he suffered from all these conditions.

Although his physical health has stabled his mental health has gotten out of control. And so has mine!!

I won't trouble you with every little detail but in the past year and a half of living here my father-in-law has not only degraded my husband on a almost daily basis but he has also began degraded myself and now my children. (I have a daughter that is 17, a step son that is 17 and a son that is 6).

My father-in-law name calls, has been in my face screaming at me, has called the police on my husband (trying to have us removed from "his" house), has been in my step-sons face telling him to get out of "his" house, downgrades the way I cook, look, and handle my life. He fights us on his care. He refuses to use his medical assistance devices and cancels half the doctor's appts we set for him. He even complains on a daily basis to us and anyone else that listens that he wants supper at 5 o'clock and I should do it when he wants it now when the family wants it. I was not brought up in a family environment of such distress I am like on eggshells. I never know what he is going to do and say. I have been to my wits end and packed my things up and was heading to my mom's house but then both my husband and my father-in-law beg me to stay. For the sake of my husband, I do. But now it's getting very hard to keep a positive attitude.

I want to move out for the sake of my children but my husband avoids the situation. What does someone do?

Magicianne
I am sorry for all you are going. At least the hospital staff intervened at times which is great but unusual. I know there is nothing I can say to bring any comfort to you except that when I talk to God I will ask for some measure of comfort for you and wisdom for that family of yours. I can not imagine how you are coping with all that you have going on at this time and all I have to offer is my friendship. I do not know if your reading the bible esp. the psalms would help take you away from your life for a while. I so wish I could be there in person for you and give you a hug.

Austin -
Thanks for the cyber hug! Things are calming down a bit with my Dad. He's been in his new Intermediate Care Facility for a week now. The daytime staff there is great. I'm not sure about the night shift, though. They don't seem to have the same sensitivity as the day shift. But one thing's for sure....they all know that I'm there as a permanent fixture and can see what's going on. I make sure that I'm there for at least one of his meals. And I also go back in the evening to help get him settled in for the night. Because this is the weekend, I know there are a lot of other family members who will be visiting, so it takes some of the responsibilities off of my shoulders.

My mother continues to visit every 4 to 5 days for about an hour or less. My brother came with her on Thursday. In a fit of his anger, my brother ripped all of the family pictures off of my Dad's wall. I can't even imagine what caused him to do this. I spent the time yesterday to put the pictures back up, taping the ripped ones back together, smoothing out the creases, etc. As my Dad's guardian, I now must make a decision on whether my brother's visits are harmful to my Dad.

I did get a new attorney...a woman this time. My other attorney was fine for geting the guardianship, but he seemed to turn into a milktoast lately. He was more about giving in than fighting for what I needed for my Dad. I finally had 'enough' and started searching for a new attorney. This one isn't afraid of going into a courtroom. I've found there's actually a term called "Court Phobia" where a lot of attorneys try to resolve things out of court rather than have to actually go into a courtroom. My new attorney is going to fight for me and, consequently, for my Dad. Yea!

Things are starting to settle down. Dad is in a good place. The staff there knows that I'm doing what's best for my Dad. They all seem to be on the same page as I am.

Dad has come out of his 'fog' a little and is starting to be able to carry on conversations again. He continues to talk about things from other times of his life and so doesn't always make sense. But he's back to having a sense of humor and enjoying his visitors. He's still on Hospice and isn't expected to be around more than a few months. But I'm grateful for his improvement, no matter how small. Oh, by the way, the care facility staff said that a lot of patients come to them from the hospital and are sleep-deprived. That's why they sleep almost non-stop for the first few days when they get there. Last Sunday, my Dad slept most of the time my husband, sons and I were visiting. Last night, my husband visited with him and they had a great conversation. Big difference!

I will keep you all posted as to what happens next! Thanks for your continued support.

This site is wonderful, I felt that I was the only person feeling certain feelings and now I know there are others having the same problems. My Dad passed away in May from lung cancer. I took care of him and my Mom who is now in remission from lung cancer. They had been married for 56 years and were only teenagers when they wed. My Mom is so angry all the time. She directs it mainly at me, because I look like my Father. She changes on a dime. First she will be nice, then turn around and be so hateful that it is all I can do not to just walk out and never come back. My Dad knew there would be trouble when he found out he didn't have long he made me promise not to stay away from my Mom, cause that is what I used to do when they were mean, I felt that if I stayed around I would say things that couldn't be taken back. So now here I am listening to my Mom talk about what a failure I am at every thing I do. I never do any thing correctly, quickly enough, or to her liking. Sometimes I want to scream at her that she acts like a selfish little child, but I remember my promise to Dad. I find crying helps to relieve the stress. Trouble is, Mom is only part of my stress. My husbands Mom has cancer too and between our Moms we hardly have time for us anymore. I feel there is distance between us. I don't even feel I had any time to grieve for my Dad. Thanks for listening.

When someone is dying, people often make promises out of love or desperation. They also tell others they will, "never put them in a nursing home." It's hard not to do this. For those who have not already done it - the best answer is, "I will always try to do my best for you, but we don't know the future, so I can't promise that."

You promised your dad under pressure. That is not a promise you have to keep, while putting your own health at risk. You need help, and you need to be able to walk away from abuse.

You and your husband both need to find some respite help, even if it's paid, so you can have time to reconnect, before this wrecks your marriage. Yes, you haven't had time to grieve. I know I didn't, and it wasn't until after my mother died that I was able to slowly go back and grieve them both. It's taken years.

Keep coming on the site. We can't fix your problems, but we can listen. Please do look at some outside help, and don't feel guilty. You are doing your human best. Don't wreck your health and marriage to honor a promise that you didn't know how not to make.

Carol

Thanks Carol for the kind thoughts, I know in my heart of hearts that Dad would not want me to keep a promise that would cause me so much heartache, but that doesn't make it any easier. I truly love my Mom, it is just her actions and words hurt so much. It just helps to know I am not the only person going through this.

Oldest daughter - No your Dad wouldn't want you to continue doing something that is costing you so much heartache and potential problems in your marriage. You have to ask yourself what he would say to you right now if he were still here.

If my Dad were still able to understand what was going on around him, he'd be so furious with my Mother for what she's putting me through. She's on her 5th attorney and still fighting me. Dad doesn't have long to live and I'm trying to spend as much time with him as I possibly can. And yet, my Mom is spending all of her time inventing things to accuse me of. When my Dad passes, I am ready to walk away and never see or talk to my mother again. She will (probably) live a very long life....the mean ones always do....but it will be lonely and miserable because she has cut herself off from most of the family. I hope I won't worry much about it when that happens.

As for you, I will pray that you and your husband will support each other and grow closer as you work at repairing the damage your mother has created. Don't let her have control over your marriage. Don't let her destroy what is so important to you.

oldestdaughter, sounds like your Mom is angry within herself and is simply taking it out on you because you are all that she has. She may benefit from some counseling to help her surface her anger in a safe place, and some medication to help her manage her underlying anxieties. Some day, if you feel up to it, without any anger in your voice, ask her what is really making her so angry, then listen. Ask her if she is afraid, then listen. Tell her that while you are unable to help her with her anger, there are trained professionals with whom she may share and vent her anger who may be able to help her. Let her know that you may need to consider alternate living arrangements for her. You have not said that she suffers from dementia. If she does not, sometimes honesty and caring confrontation is a pretty healthy alternative to caregiving relationship issues. Your mental health is important and you should avoid holding it all in. Start with the source and see what happens. You may be surprised. In fact, your Mom may be the most surprised of all. If it is hard for you to initiate and have that discussion, ask a therapist or counselor to facilitate the discussion for you to help you get some things out on the table. As I see it, you have no other choice if you wish to retain your sanity, self esteem and marriage. Will be rooting for you!

Wonderful advice from all of you. That's what makes this group so special. It's amazing sometimes, what kind, but firm, questions can accomplish, even with an elder with dementia.

Also, parents often "get" something, even when you don't think they will. I felt I had to see my mother at the nursing home every day, and do her "special things." After dementia and some other issues put her in occasional abusive moods, I'd struggled. One nurse said, "Just don't come tomorrow!" I couldn't imagine that. I just put up with it. But one time, I'd had enough. The next day, I just couldn't go up to see her. I didn't even call. Boy, when I visited the following day, she was sweet as pie. I learned something about standing up for myself that day (I'm still learning, a little at a time).

Hello,
I just found this site and I am so glad I did. I hope this will be a place where I will be welcome and where I'll feel free to tell some of my story and vent because I definitley need to do that. I am just about at my wits end and don't know how much more I can stand. I live with and care for my 92 year old mother (and 7 cats) in her home. I'm never happy and, after saying goodbye to one of the few friends I have (she went back home today after visiting for a few days) and the
experience at the doctor's today and another upsetting talk with my mother after we got home, I am so depressed, sad, lonely, and discouraged that if it wasn't for my religious beliefs, I would kill myself. I really would.
I feel like taking Tigger, my cat (thank God for her), and just leaving and let my mother get along the best way she knows how. She is not a loving mother. I am convinced that she has no love for me whatsoever as her daughter, that she only thinks of me as her servant and that that is my purpose for being on this earth. Not only does she not show any love for me, she doesn't even show me any respect.
She is so contrary and has a very nasty disposition when something doesn't suit her, and getting old and her condition in general doesn't suit her at all. She puts on a front when she's around other people. She doesn't act at all around other people the way she does when it's just me and her. And when something doesn't suit her, she takes it out on me by snapping at me as if it's my fault. She would never talk to anyone else that way, including to my sister. Most of the time she sits in her chair with her hands in her lap. She is very depressed and doesn't care about anything or anybody. It's pitiful. I'm so glad that I have a room where I can be in when I'm not having to do something for her. I couldn't stand to be around her all the time.
I desperately need someone to talk to about these things, someone who's willing to listen and who will understand exactly what I'm feeling.
I have to go now but I hope to come back here soon if I'm welcome to.

Good luck to all of you. My situation is bad but after reading about some of the situations with people on here, I see that there's others with a lot worse problems than mine.
Take care,
MysterySue

Welcome MysterySue. I hope you do find solace in this wonderful place and perhaps some solutions to your situation as well. Just know that you are not alone and by coming here and expressing your thoughts and words is big step in releasing the tension that builds walls between you and the one you are giving of yourself in caring for their needs.

Just don't forget that you need to take care of YOU as well. We're here, we care and many are or have been where you are right now. I hope you return to share more when you can. Blessings to you, Rainbow Painter

Thank you Rainbow Painter. I'll be back when I have more time.
Blessings to you too. :)

MysterySue

Welcome, Mystery Sue. We're glad you're here.

Believe it or not, the idea that your mother is totally different when others is around is common. The frustration for the caregiver is nearly overwhelming, at times, when we have to deal with this. You see this woman charming those around her and acting normal, and when they leave you are the whipping post. People here understand that.

Was your mother always like this, or is this a personality change? That does make a difference. Aging brings on many loses, and even basically nice people sometimes take out their own frustration on the person closest to them. But if she was always abusive, and is just more so now, then you are dealing with something different.

Either way, you need to find a way to get some relief by getting away for awhile. I hope you'll check out your state aging services. There should be a phone number online. They could direct you to local help - perhaps your Area Agency on Aging.

However, if the situation if bad enough, you may have to turn your mother over to Social Services (along with her finances), and separate your living quarters. You can't go around feeling like you want to kill yourself. Thankfully, you do have your spiritual life. But, honoring your mother doesn't mean destroying yourself. Please look for some relief, and keep coming back here to vent. It does help to talk it out with those who understand.
Carol

MindingOurElders,

Can you do that? Turn your mother over to Social Services and walk away? In the 5 years I've been caregiving and researching caregiving I've never heard of that. I've even had a class in elder law and nothing was ever mentioned.

It kind of sounds like those people in Nebraska who were dropping off their troubled teenagers at the hospital because the law on no questions asked for unwanted infants was written too broadly. I've got to admit I had some fantasies when that story was in the news.

My mother sounds like a duplicate of Magicanne's mother. Mean, mean, mean and always has been. I know age with dementia and strokes and lack of blood to the brain can change a personality, but this is just the same old personality. Her hearing and sight are diminishing but her mouth still works loud and clear.

Any ideas on how I can defend myself against this form of elder abuse? She can't be turned loose on her own. That would be inhumane. But I'd sure like to get rid of her. Do you really think Social Services would take her on?

Think the other way around...You will one day be old w/the health issues tearing you down...
Think about how you would feel and your own children that you took care of since birth turns their back on you?

My sister, who lives a few thousand miles away, volunteered to come stay with mom for a week so my husband and I could go on vacation. In the past mom has behaved irrationally and spoiled our vacation plans. My sister is well aware of the dynamic since we both lived under mom's abusive personality. Mom is a very physically healthy hypochondriac who needs a relatively simple eye surgery. Since I've had to deal with irrational behavior during her other simple medical procedures, my sister offered to stay and go through the procedure and follow up. Mom has absolutely refused, told me I was a terrible daughter for not wanting to be with her in her time "of need" and refuses now to have the procedure at all. I am tired of the constant manipulation and neediness and wish I could trade houses with my sis. Thanks for listening. We're all in that same boat, aren't we?

Well today I had taken my 83 yr old shopping at Home Depot for patio chairs and to his bank. He was criticizing me on my driving skills. He wanted me to cut into the right turn lane in order to go through the intersection rather than waiting for the cars in front of me to make a left hand turn. I was in the left lane which is the lane that goes straight and makes a left hand turn. I yelled at my dad, I am not going to risk an automobile accident and a traffic violation because you are very impatient. Then he says don't talk to me like that. He no longer drives because of his lympodemia in his legs due to his prostrate cancer surgery 18 yrs ago. He hasn't driven for a year since his diagnosis. He gets very angry when I tell him that I have plans to do something and when I couldn't take him anywhere. He gets very verbally abusive. After we had finished over shopping at Home Depot, we proceed across the street to his bank. He started yelling at the bank tellers and the staff that he never gets any service. He yelled that he needed a chair to sit because his legs hurt. He said I have over a $1 million in this bank and you guys cannot afford to get me a chair. I told him to shut up! Then he yelled at the gentleman bank teller who served us. He said to him who are you looking at? I told dad to shut up. Then he yelled at me and said that I have no idea what it is like to be in pain. Then I thank the gentleman to try to smooth things over. My dad always does this whenever he goes to his bank. I am so sick and tired of it. I was so livid. I didn't speak to him in the car. He even yelled at the bank manager when we were leaving because he wasn't available to talk to him. His secretary says he has to sign in and wait until he is done. Then my dad says GOODBYE! My father has always been mean and nasty throughout his life it is not because he is elderly and health declining It is in his DNA! It has been very hard for me since I moved back home last year to care for my wheelchair bound mother. I can no longer have a descent conversation with my father except when it comes to gardening. Then again growing up, I could never have an intelligent conversation with dad. I just go into another room whenever I can or work out in the basement to rel eave stress. I am sorry what you had to go through. I know what it is like. My life is over because I am broke. I was denied uemployment insurance yesterday because I didn't work enough quarters last year to earn an benefit check even though I work six months at my last job. I was laid off a week ago. So I only have 300 in my checking account. I have to be very careful now that my car insurance is due in two months and my tags are due. My parents use to give me a stipend almost every week of $20 but now dad doesn't want to because it is his money. He has gotten more stingier when my mom has been away last yr at a nursing care facility. People tell me to let it roll but it is easier said then done.

Animals are truly awesome, I have an older female doberman and when my mother who has dementia moved in with us she sense something and would never leave my mothers side,,this is a dog that has slept in my bed next to me for years, I would find her laying outside my mothers door in the middle of the night. when my mother would leave her bedroom door open I would find her in bed with her. My mother found so much comfort in this, Sadly we had to place my mother in a nursing home and now my dog is back to sleeping with me. My mother always asks about her dog. Its amazing to me how they pick up on stuff like this.