Hi everyone! This is my first time posting a question, so please bear with me. I've reached a point in my relationship with my mother that I feel helpless and no longer knowing where to turn.
To make a very long story short, I am a 29-year-old that has a 64-year-old mother that has, to me, been stuck in a chronic low. She lives alone, going on 5 years now, and is single. Numerous health problems both physically and mentally. I have been active in her life by inviting her over, taking her places, going to her doctor's appointments with her, calling her almost daily and having her involved in all get togethers, holidays etc. For the past few years, I've noticed decline in self-care, financial care and managing her house. She doesn't shower, clean her house or manage her money properly. Nutritionally, she's neglecting as well. When I try to talk to her about these things, she says OK, but nothing changes. Recently she's started seeing a counselor and a OP. I've chatted with her doctor who's worried as well.
I'm very worried about her getting evicted due to the condition of her place along with her diet and lack of care hygiene wise. If she lost her place, she'd be homeless as I can't take her in.
I'm stuck on what to do. If this is depression at work, I need ideas on how to talk to her and maybe ideas on being supportive? Part of me feels this is just laziness or some cognitive decline as well.
You deserve a life as well! You can be there for the emotional support and encouragement but she has to realize that she can take her life back again without taking over yours.
You are both in a difficult situation but there can be a light at the end of the tunnel! I know!
I wish you both luck and a brighter future! The work to get help is well worth it!
Wonderful post! More people need to speak out like you have so the stigma of feeling depressed or dealing with anxiety will go away.
I agree that animals are wonderful. My cats and dogs brought comfort and joy into my life.
For some people though, depending upon the circumstances animals can become a burden. Others simply aren’t fond of animals.
You’re in the prime of your life so please, do not take on the 24/7 caregiving of a 65 year old. As you can see from this forum, it is NOT a happy road to travel and a very slippery slope. Others post good advice to consult her MD for mental health evaluation to identify what has caused this spiral. Depression? Dementia? Please don’t take offense but attention getting? She may benefit from medication, counseling and importantly, engagement with others. Please, keep your own identity and life intact. Enjoy your work, friends, relationships as a 29 year old. You can love mom without losing yourself. I hope this all works out for you.
I'm glad to read that you will not be taking her in. There's a lot going on here and you are MUCH too young to have to deal with this. If she gets evicted, she gets evicted. Don't spend your money fixing her problems. I'm not saying to turn your back on her but it's just a good idea to have boundaries so you don't get sucked in too deep in trying to solve someone else's problems.
You should emphasize to the doctor and any social agencies that she is unsafe living alone. That she is a vulnerable adult. That you are worried that she's very sick, which she probably is because no mentally well person would live like she is. And DO NOT get involved with paying her landlord or other bills she owes. You aren't responsible for paying them, she is. Good luck.
Depression is clearly at work here and it can be a slippery slope. Everything you write about is another sign. You mention that she has been “low” for about 5 years, so your statement suggests that was a change from her previous personality.
Advancing age, illness, aches and pains, living alone, added weight, decreasing self-esteem, etc can all gradually push someone down. It is wonderful that you have recognized that she might need to help ignite her desire to turn this around.
She is probably lonely and extinguishing her sorrow with food. It is not your responsibility to produce her social entertainment, but holding her hand as she pulls herself up could make all the difference.
Before working on her messy house, investigate ways to get her active and back out in the world. (The messy house is on its own, likely contributing to her sadness and isolation).
Church, Synagogue (or any religious organization which brings community), volunteer clubs, special interest clubs, charities, movie clubs, lunch clubs, support groups, dating, book clubs… or any of this could help get her back on track.
The nice thing about religious organizations or volunteer clubs, is they plan the project for you. You can be filling backpacks one week and cooking at a soup kitchen the next. It is always different. Once she realizes that she LOVES cooking for a soup kitchen, she can go there directly, but with these organizations, she can “try out” different opportunities with less commitment. At the same time, she could start connecting with new friends, taking some of the pressure off you to be her entire social life. These opportunities will remind her that she doesn’t have it so bad.
You could also give her a “leg up” by trying out a gym or workout place together, or even walking around the mall. if she wants to go in a particular shop, walk first and enter the shop later as a non food “treat.” If she has mobility issues, try out a water exercise class. Go to the hot tub or sauna as a “treat” afterward. Because she will have to take a shower before entering the pool, she will be forced to get her body cleaned up!
My 84 year old mom had become quite immobile and almost reclusive following a serious surgery and so I started taking her everyday to a mall to walk. The surface was flat and nice weather was not a prerequisite. (She had been falling frequently). At first she could only walk from one bench to the next and only with assistance (I had one arm and my daughter had the other, kind of like a rollator, but with family encouragement). We worked slowly-2 benches the next day…eventually together up to 2 miles without rest. Sometimes she had a bad day and didn’t do as well. Her prize was a look in a jewelry store, where merely looking reignited her desire to live. After building up to two miles, she started going on her own. Her balance was greatly improved. Getting her out into the world was key. Your mom may need to bring a rollator with a chair as benches aren’t as frequently found in the mall these days.
if you are seriously worried about eviction, there are counselors that specialize in helping hoarders. Even watching a show together may open up conversation. Save this problem until after you work to get her out into the world. Living in her messy home may otherwise be too overwhelming and may overcome her.
After reading your article you may be too young to realize what is happening. Sounds like you need to build a "team" for Mom. Your mother is still rather young but you might want to consider a Geriatric Neuro Psych doctor and a Psychiatrist but keep in mind you need to thoroughly check out all of these doctors on your local State Medical Board.
Some of the Psychiatrists pick their profession by what they are going through.
In other words, it can be like the blind leading the blind to put it mildly.
A primary care doctor can do some blood work. Blood work can tell a lot for vitamin deficiency, lack of potassium, anemia, etc. I highly suggest to sign up for the portal. Gone are the days sitting by the phone waiting for the doctor to call. The portal is convenient and the test results are at your finger tips.
Your mother needs more than what you can/are providing, however, you are a great daughter. You should be commended. You don't want things to spiral out of control. Just getting out of the Pandemic, this Pandemic has caused a lot of problems for people that prior to the Pandemic they were able to hang on.
As the body ages sometimes the brain lacks dopamine. Basically, the neurotransmitters do not connect properly. So everyday seems like I will just muddle through. The right medication(s) can help your Mom but it may take a while to adjust.
A shower chair, a trip to the hairdressers and the Dollar Store for cleaning products could be a start. I would check your mother's online checking account each morning so that her bills are paid "on time" and do not go out to collections or hurt her credit score.
Honestly, I don't think it's laziness, I think it could be the executive functioning skills declining or possibly Lewy Body Dementia. I am NOT a medical personnel but your mother cannot be left to fend for herself on this. She needs an evaluation, continuously every (6) months so they can compare if patient is "thriving" or declining.
If she lives alone she probably doesn't want to cook. Do you blame her? There are all kinds of services today--senior centers, respite, meals on wheels, grocery delivery, etc.
It sounds like everything--financial, health, living environment is starting to head downward BUT you probably have caught it in time! You don't want things to get worse. And that's exactly why you are writing on this forum.
You can also have the PCP write a scrip for a CNA (female) to come and give your mother a shower. There are all kinds of services--study your mother's medical insurance, etc.
I am a firm believer in being involved in a Church. If your Mom can't get out right now they will come and visit. Explain to the Pastor and people especially around the Holidays like to help.
Is it wise for mother to live alone? You mentioned it's going on 5 years now. A woman in a house nowadays, in my humble opinion, is never a good idea. A roommate perhaps, a condo, a studio apartment or if you can find a senior housing close to you--although the wait lists are in the 1,000's.
Your mother is only 64. You are only 29. I would make a plan of action, take baby steps and break one branch off at a time.
Your mother is lucky to have you. There is help out there and I thought the other responses on this post made sense. Your are going to need different people to provide different services. Build your team and keep Mom on a schedule. You can get a camera/sensor through internet provider so if Mom leaves or wanders.
Is Mom drinking enough water, does she have a UTI and that is why she is not acting herself. Is she dehydrated? All these things can cause a perfect storm but a lot of these things can be managed and controlled since mother is only in her 60's.
I will pray for you.
Peace be with you.
I have a friend whose sister was diagnosed with something called “learned helplessness”. I’m not saying this is what your mom has but your post reminded me of my friends sister.
The sisters lived in different states. Cali and NM. My friend (NM) found her recently widowed sister living in filth with her cat and about to lose her condo to a corrupt social worker.
Through Kaiser insurance and area agency on aging help, friend got sister to a therapist and a psychiatrist. She was put on meds and in exchange for friend paying her sisters mortgage, sis had to do three things. She had to see the therapist, take the meds and walk 10,000 steps per day.
Sis was on a tight budget, friend had set up her bills to auto pay and she occasionally checked her bank account to make sure the bills were being paid.
Sis wouldn’t walk outdoors but she walked in her condo each day.
The initial visit was in 2017. A couple of years later the sisters met at a family thanksgiving in Texas. This was like a miracle that sis would fly anywhere. While they were together friend got sis a cell phone and required a text be sent to her daily with what sister was thankful for (3 things).
She still had to do the first three with docs and steps.
The sister was very faithful to do the required things. She is in her 70s and otherwise did nothing all day that friend could identify besides watch the news.
In 2021 friend went back to Cali and helped her sister clear out the condo to sell. Sis had decided she would leave Cali and move to Texas to her childhood town. The therapist had encouraged this. It had been four years since the initial visit. Each piece of mail that had come for four years was stacked up, It appeared she had stopped cooking. Otherwise all was the same. Sis looked about the same. Seemed almost catatonic to friend. Sis stopped the therapy and the walking the same week friend arrived. All their time was spent on clearing and cleaning her condo for resale. It took several months to get the property ready and was hard on both of them. The market was great (Huntington Beach). Friend found sis an apartment to rent in Texas, had her car transported to Texas filled with only the belongings she was able to keep. All else hauled away. Friend flew her sister to Texas where she was met by a nephew and taken to her new apartment. She had a bed, a chair, a tv and didn’t want anything else. The tv only picked up one channel. That was fine with sis. The condo sold the 1st day on the mkt. Friend was repayed all the mortgage payments etc and now the sis texts friend each day her blood sugar numbers (long time diabetic) and # of steps taken and what she is grateful for.
They saw each other this past Thanksgiving. Friend taught her sister how to stream. She didn’t get her text for a few days and friend said “I know sis is on that tv”.
Friend was adamant that she would not be her sisters caregiver. She would help her but she had the strict rules of what sis had to do in exchange for that help. When she was at her sisters apartment friend noticed her sis still had not unpacked all her boxes from her car. She is content to live her life alone and make her short trip to the grocery and to her doctor and that is about it.
My friend worked very hard on herself as she did not want to become a caregiver. She lives a very busy life and has helped her sister over the years and been burned. So she set this up for minimal involvement and with zero tolerance for sis not keeping her side of the bargain. Slowly the sister is taking responsibility for her own life.
I would suggest you negotiate your involvement to where mom is doing things for herself instead of you sacrificing your life to prop her up. It does sound like she has started by seeing a therapist.
When friend was with sis in Cali. baths, shampoos and clean clothes were mandatory, it was an issue. They took turns cooking once they got the kitchen clean and the tv was off while they worked 8-5.
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