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Well said, ChurchMouse.

To quote your thoughtful, insightful and compassionate query:

"Why do we do these things at uncounted cost to ourselves?" I would add because we're family, because we care, and perhaps because it's human nature to extend ourselves as much as we can to our family (and friends) in their time of need.

And we face dilemmas because sometimes we're pushed to levels and decision making we never dreamed of. We're going where we've never been before, where standards and dicta are often nebulous. In some ways we're pathsetters for our family, and perhaps for others who will follow in similar patterns with their own parents.

I'm reminded of an incident I read about in one of the Chicken Soup books. A mother cat repeatedly re-entered an area on fire to rescue her kittens, one by one. She saved them, at great cost to herself.

These parental and filial obligations we feel can't be quantified.
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I want to clarify my post, the frustration comes from TG refusing to accept that he owes nothing and that he really does deserve to be praised for his efforts, despite what his relatives and inner conscience try to have him believe. He has done more than enough to earn their respect, the reality seems to be that dad is a perpetual child who will never change and the sibs will probably never give him his due either. So please TG, stop tying yourself in knots trying to please them, you are an amazing son!!
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I am not sure that is it my frustration to to accept that I owe nothing, it is more of reality. It was reality that my dad didn't have enough money to live on his own nor take care of himself. It was reality that my siblings if pressed would have helped a bit but are fine with me taking on the bulk of the care. It was reality that my dad while a generous man is in someways self centered. I am not a neophyte in this situation it was just reality that I have voluntarily put myself into this situation. The frustration is that my father has put himself in this situation without preparing for the future and allowing others to manage it for him. It is my frustration that he does at times thank us for our help but at a moments notice will tell everyone that I don't let him do anything and that I gave away all his tools and wont let him climb a ladder (the words he used in-front of my friends this week). I finally had to let off some steam and raise my voice that was not the truth and stop telling people that. I know his life is upside down but yet so is mine. It is just frustrating when he tells people the things he wants them to hear. Apparently he has plans to visit home next month (has not told me yet). I guess I will let him do what ever and hope it works for the best. Later this month my child and spouse are moving in until they find a place to live..... this should be fun..... I am excited that they are moving back home for work, it will be interesting on how it all goes....... Yes, I did put a 30 day limit on it.
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Good for you for yelling him off! Too often (at least here in your posts) you seem more frustrated at your lack of tolerance instead of being hopping mad at your father and extended family's attitude.
As for the kids moving in ..Yikes! I hope you have a very large house?
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Tg, please remember that you are allowed to say "no". To Dad, to your kids, to your neighbors, to ANYONE.
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Yeah, that is my big problem the NO word but I will go to the end of the earth for my kids any day. Glad to help them out with boundaries!
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I felt bad for a minute when I raised my voice and it was in front of friends, then he went and sulked in his room. It is hard, after 2 years we are still all trying to find our center. I got out for a few days with some friends and it felt great. Just what I needed, some golf and guy time. Was great to be away from the office and the stress. It is just hard when he comes in the middle of conversations and turns them to himself. My friend asked me if I wanted something this AM and he answered, that happens a lot. I noticed he is not going out at all this week since he is down to a small amount in his account, he is waiting for his SSI. The other day he told my wife that "I don't have a reason to go to the store except to buy what I need".... So I guess all the food source it up to me. That is the part I don't get, There is no give, just take...... I am really not expecting him to buy all the groceries but it would be nice once in a while to pick something up other than fruit and the milk he drinks...
Normally he sleeps to 10 some days 11 AM but this week up at 8:30 because we have company, Mr. Social. Figures the bed and breakfast would have breakfast ready this AM. Sorry, after day two guests are on their own for breakfast...
At 3:30 this AM I was trying to meditate to get back to sleep, no avail, up at 4:30 to make coffee and start work to get things done......
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So right on time he comes to me this AM for more money, looked at his account down to $34.00 So what am I supposed to do? I cant let him go without money, now for the next week he wont go out. I transferred a small amount so he doesn't have charges like he did before. Oh well, I guess I have to go with it. It is not like he blows the money, Oh well I guess I have to, it is easier than getting all wound up. Sometimes he pays it back most times not. I have to be in his shoes for a little while to understand. It is difficult though, most mornings he sleeps in till 10 or 11. This week I have company, he was up at 7:30 every morning, comes down sits at the table (I was making breakfast for my guests). The guests left so I am sure he will be back to sleep to 10 then. Makes himself out to be "johnny can I help?" when guests are around like he does it all the time..... Only when we have company does he offer to help or say something was good. Frustrating.
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