My mother passed away of a terminal illness 3 years ago. We had a caregiver (I’ll just call her Maria for this thread) helping us the last 1.5 years of her life. Towards the end, we started noticing Maria spent more time near my Dad and less helping my Mom. She was engaged to another man at the time, is in the U.S. on a Visa, and is in her early 40s. Dad is 60. She never stopped speaking to Dad and they remained “friends” from a distance because she went back to Mexico after Mom passed. Fast forward a year and my Dad announces they are dating, that she ended it with her fiancé (who was not as well off as my Dad) just a few months before. Three months after him saying this, Maria moved into my parent’s home and stayed for 6 months until her limit was up and she had to go back to Mexico. It was a tumultuous time to say the least. 6 months later, she returned, only now her Visa is going to expire in August 2022. Dad said he gave her a ring and plans to marry her so she won’t have to keep leaving the country. Maria claims to love my Dad. There are no family members who support this union simply because it seems so plainly obvious to everyone but Dad that Maria is in it for the wrong reasons. She has so much to gain from him and I feel she took advantage of him when he was at the lowest point in his life. The things she has told my family are indicative of very scary manipulation and narcissistic tendencies. He has essentially turned his back on his children and family in order to keep Maria happy. I’m not sure what can be done anymore, but I needed to reach out at least for some advice or support. It is a truly sad, sad situation to see my Dad fall prey to a woman who very clearly is in it for her own personal benefits.
Help dad protect his assets. Then support the relationship.
A man of 60 is not necessarily OLD, and “oldism” is as insidious and pervasive as any other “isms” are. Having experienced it, I can tell you that it a TERRIBLE WAY to be perceived, and the recipient of such treatment, if unjustified, in NO WAY benefits.
Has anyone suggested a prenup??
The suggestion will be harder to offer to him since it sounds as though he’s taken his stand and now MUST for his own reasons, defend it, but if you or any of your sibs are still interacting with him on a somewhat civil level, perhaps on the grounds that he should be preparing for a time “in the distant future” when he might need or want some extra adventures or changes in lifestyle or alternatives to how he’s living right now.
Although you may be totally convinced that this situation is clear cut and simple, you and your sibs need to consider that a healthy man of 60 may not consider himself as much in need of your protection as you are thinking. There are no doubt aspects about what he gets from this relationship that he has not likely to have shared with you.
If you feel you’ve maxed out on trying to convince him that he’s doing something “ill advised” might it be time to see if he’d be amenable to sheltering and protecting some of his assets ”for a rainy day”?
a. Prepay his funeral/burial expenses
b. Set aside money in a trust for his future healthcare/ AL care.
c. Prenup
If he balks at a prenup, he should at a minimum, do A and B.
Then wish him the best. She's gonna fleece him. You can almost bet on it.
Your father is 60 years old. I am 65 on Sunday. If I was interested in a romantic relationship & my kids tried to haul my azz off to the doc for a 'cognition exam', let me tell you, I'd have A FIT they would not soon forget. My money is MINE and not THEIRS. Same as your father's money is HIS and not YOURS. He can marry Maria and give it all to her if he'd like. He's entitled to a happy life now, and if she's it, then so be it.
Think of it like this: what if YOU were to want to marry some 'foreign' man who you liked or loved or felt happy with. And dad came storming into your front door telling you the guy was some scammer and didn't love you, but was using you and just wanting a green card and money and blah blah blah. That he was gonna haul you off to the doctor for a brain MRI to make sure you didn't have a brain tumor. Put his shoe on your foot for a moment.
My son once planned on marrying a woman who's head turned 360 degrees around on her neck, that's how possessed she was. Like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, but worse. I prayed to God he'd see the light before it was too late. But he wasn't. So one night at the dinner table here's what I said to her: WELCOME TO THE FAMILY SARAH. I LOVE YOU AND HOPE THE TWO OF YOU WILL BE HAPPY FOR YEARS TO COME.
They broke up shortly thereafter. I got down on my knees and thanked God for that miracle. But the moral of the story is this: if you love your father and want peace & harmony in the family, tell Maria what I told Sarah. And hope for the best.
Spot on! I agree 1000% percent!
As other posters have suggested, pre-paid funeral expenses, and a pre-nup (which I don't think he will agree to). You could even point out that unless he puts something in place, everything he and your mom worked for will go to this woman when he dies and his children will be cut out. This mean heirlooms in the home that may have sentimental value to you. As his wife, everything will go to her unless he has something iron clad in place and even then you will have a fight on your hands if you don't have a good relationship with Maria.
The bottom line is, I don't think you can fix this. The only question left is do you want a relationship with your dad? If the answer is yes, then you're going to have to put your efforts there.
One last thought...if there are things in his home that are from your moms family or that remind you of your mom and have sentimental value, you might want to ask dad for them now. Point out that if he is moving on with a new wife that they might be better appreciated by his children and in their care.
Australians in rural areas with a shortage of women have a long history of marrying Filipino women (and there used to be almost a marriage agency of introducing their friends). Some marriages have been difficult, with the women turning out to have a child or children or mother or sister that they really need to come to be with them because they are so lonely etc. Others have been very successful, with none of those issues. I’ve known both. Sure, Father needs to go into this with his eyes wide open, but at 60 he should be able to do just that.
The Philippines and Mexico are two entirely different cultures.