My stepmum has early stages of Alzheimer's, my Dad is already struggling. So far she's getting confused with dates & forgetfulness, she's given up driving & can't go to the supermarket alone due to leaving her bag or trying to walk out of the store with items. He keeps asking me for support and I try and listen and I've trawled the internet for helpful things, I try keeping things positive, but it's not good enough for him. I've got 2 jobs and a young son and I'm also suffering with anxiety & depression.
Me & my Dad do not have a good relationship in the first place. He's been a bully throughout my whole life and very emotionally abusive. I'm really struggling with my own life and really can't cope with this as well, I feel I'm going to crumble if he keeps putting all this on me & I also feel so guilty that I'm being utterly useless. I'm finding it hard as I don't even like my Dad due to things from the past, I'm sure I love him deep down, but I really feel I can't give him support or sympathy due to our bad relationship. He was really nasty to me yesterday, he text me drunk saying he needed support, I was in the middle of putting my son to bed, so I text him as soon as I saw it and I was really struggling to know what to say. So just put that I didn't know what to say and that it must be hard for him. I told him that I thought he needed to speak to his doctor to get some more help, or go to the support group I found him so that he can speak with other carers who are living this and to also try and get in with his counselor. I said he needed to get help from professionals who know what they are doing.
He responded by saying I don't need your platitude I need support. So I said I was sorry and asked him what I could do to help. He just started being nasty and repeating he needs support. I really am at a loss as to what to do. I have barely any spare time and my own mental health is deteriorating, he also lives a long way away, so it's not just so easy to call in. I have trawled the internet again for ideas of how to support him, but a lot of ideas involve helping them with cleaning etc, he has a cleaner and I don't have the time or energy. I wondered about offering to do his shopping for him online and getting it delivered to his house each week. It's not much, but surely it's a help. I feel like the worst person in the world and don't know what to do, any suggestions? If he keeps up putting pressure on me and being nasty I feel like I'm going to have to cut ties with him, but he's my Dad. Help!
l'm sure you've heard the old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink"? This is your dad. You’ve done loads to help support him by finding support and he refuses to act. Guess what..he doesn’t want to. You already said he is lazy. He wants others to do it for him and I’m sure he isn’t mentally strong enough to cope with the new demands let alone his wife is "defective" now as he sees it and has inconvenienced his life. So he verbally abuses her because it’s her fault. You said he’s always been abusive and manipulative and a bully. I hope you’re not hoping he’s going to change because he’s shown you through the years who he is. You wrote "The problem I'm having is that he seems to just want everyone to do it for him." That is the bottom line.
so as Countrymouse said, who has given you excellent help, you need to remember that you have a right to have boundaries. The problem also is that he isn’t respecting your boundaries and he’s encroaching on them by bullying. Do not answer your phone late at night when he’s likely to have been drinking. If it’s important, he will leave a voicemail and that’s perfectly fine to let him do.
Once you realize that he is the one who has to buck up and take the support that you are giving you can mentally distance yourself from him. Come up with some statements to use when you talk and have them written down. Also as someone else suggested level with him about your role and be firm. He doesn’t have to like it...bullies never do.
Also can you get some mental health counseling for yourself? That would be helpful in coping.
Hugs!
I have had counselling, I got signed off in December. But I do have their number handy, it's always good to have a safety net!!
countrymouse says:
Your father needs help. It sounds as if he has needed help for a very long time. It is a job that you cannot do. That is not your fault.
Call MHA, and call Social Services. [The good news, by the way, is that Bradford University is a centre of excellence in dementia care and related fields, so you're in luck there - there will be all kinds of networks and programs around locally].
Call MHA just to get their advice. Call Social Services to register your concerns and to make sure that your father and stepmother are on their radar.
In everything you do, though, remember very clearly that the aim is to put Other People between you and their situation.
So I totally understand your dread of the new day and new "challenges."
Yet earlier today, I read and responded to a person who is able to see everything as a gift. It spawned me to read about Trench Warfare and coping mechanisms. Not sure it helped.
Honey, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm sorry for your father verbal abuse. I know for a fact, verbal abuse is harder to heal from than physical abuse.
Sounds like you've given your dad sound advice, but he's looking for you to take away his hardship. PLEASE DO NOT!!! He lived his life the way he chose, and you my dear should live your life the same way.
I tell this to my children all the time.
Love shouldn't make you feel guilty, nor should it be abusive, or make you ill. Be strong, stand up to your dad, tell him the way it's going to be and stand firm. You need to take care of your family first, and if he doesn't want the help you CAN give him, them there's nothing more you can do! AND stick to that. If he gets abusive to you, Just say nicely, I'm going to hangup, or ignore his text, if he's going to abuse you. THEN DO IT!! It will be hard for you, but once you do it, it becomes easier. I know, I deal with MDD daily, and getting the right meds, and therapist is very important.
God bless you, and you don't owe your dad your life! You've shown him compassion, respect in trying to help him, you don't have to do his job or responsibility!! Hugs to you💞
It has been like a breath of fresh air on here it really has. Everyone is so understanding and never judgmental. I was scared people wouldn't understand, but it's very clear that people do understand, they've been here and are living this the same as me. It's wonderful to know you're not alone. You are all amazing!!! :-)
.....DO NOT feel guilty !! You need to take care of yourself first !! It’s not being selfish...you have your own family and issues...I finally learned there was only so much I could do...I have no more to give...I’m 70 ! I did my best ! Do NOT feel guilty !! Good luck...be “selfish” for yourself...Took me 15 months to learn that...I gave what I could for as long as I could...I’d have died if I had continued !
From my own experience, an abusive parent doesn’t change. I did have to totally cut ties with my mother. I have a number of chronic / disabling illnesses and she was literally killing me due to her demands and lack of concern about how it affected me. Sometimes you have to accept the reality of the situation. After a year, I was able to help her from afar ( I’m her medical POA) but I rarely see her except for doctor appointments , my husband runs interference when I do. If possible, don’t see him alone, he may not be as abusive with others there.
I assume you already go to a therapist for your depression and anxiety. Those are both hard enough to handle without willingly putting your self even closer to an abusive situation. Please realize you can’t change him, you need to protect yourself so you can take care of your son. That’s your priority.
I got signed off from my counselor, but have his number on standby!
I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. It's so hard when you have a bad relationship with your parent, but feel obliged and forced into situations when they really don't deserve it. The hardest thing is everyone else looking at you like you're a heartless b!#ch, but they can never understand, unless they too have an abusive parent.
Thank you, I will do my best to protect myself. You take care too. Hugs x
How much support has he been in your life? - what pays comes around - have you had much to do with step-mom in past? because if you don't have a good relationship she may not want your help & this could cause you more problems
Put his phone number so that his messages only come in between certain hours - tell him to stop wasting his [& your] time with his whinging & check out what you have already found for him - be strong/firm with him - you do not need to fully cut ties but you can step back partially
Don't know family relationships here, but her family needs to be envolved too. Maybe talk with them?
Stay your ground. What you give him as support is adequate. He does need to get professional care for his wife.
First of all, thanks for checking in again multiple times and explaining more about the situation. What you have written helps with making suggestions about how to deal with the issues.
Priorities:
1) Your son
2) YOU (occasionally bump you up to 1 in order to care for son)
3) Stepmom
4 if at all) dad
Caring for your son, yourself and your own relationship (you mentioned fiance?) should be your primary focus.
I list stepmom as #3 because it is SHE that needs help and she isn't likely to get it from your dad. Never mind that she needs help, she does NOT need the abuse!
I list "4 if at all", for dad... maybe more like 50,000.... or more....
There is no help for those who do not want to help themselves. Kind of ironic that manipulative/bully dad didn't like his job because HE was supposedly bullied (more like he just wanted to do things his way, rules or normal avenues be damned!!!) It is clear given his constant demand for 'support' without identifying what he needs specifically AND his refusal to follow through on checking out sources for help you provided, he is NOT going to get the help that either of them needs!
Don't answer the phone when he calls.
Don't respond to texts. (if you must, keep it simple, such as 'I'll get back to you on that...')
At this point, given his irrational behavior (past and present) AND abusive behavior, SHE is the one we need to focus on. It would likely be best if you can get social services to see this and get them to move her to a safe place. Once she is out of the picture, dad can fend for himself or not. At that point, if he still demands help, aka support, cut ties. He's a big boy, he can deal with it himself.
Although it is likely similar in the UK as in the US in that they won't discuss medical issues/care with a non-primary contact, could you possibly arrange an appointment with the best or several of the care options you provided to him? You can explain that while you understand they cannot provide information to you, you just want to discuss your CONCERNS about stepmom's welfare. They need to be fully apprised of how her care and safety needs must be brought to attention by someone rational. Don't mince words or whitewash any of it. They need to know all the gory details.
Although dad says they have "been 'round" several times, I suspect at most maybe once, if that. If social services are truly concerned about the welfare of their elders in need, they should be willing to listen to you. She is in desperate need of help and certainly in no condition to seek it out herself.
His demand for support is more like a cry (whine) for someone who doesn't want the responsibility. NEITHER of them is your responsibility, but clearly someone needs to look out for HER best interests. He is NOT willing to make contact with support services, he is NOT willing to learn about the condition and what it takes to care for someone with this condition. Beg and plead with social services to at the very least LISTEN to you!!!
Being unfamiliar with how things work in the UK, maybe Countrymouse can advise: is there a way for OP to request someone provide legal guardianship (OP probably not the best choice for guardian. I know here the court can appoint a third party to provide this duty.) Also, is there a way to do this without OP incurring any of the cost?
I too had a horrible father. I tried more or less until he died, unlike both my sisters, and we were all glad when he died. Trying was pointless. So is guilt. Many people (like me and you) hang on too long.
The ‘support’ your father wants is for someone else to do everything, while he is entitled to make the rules and criticise. If you can, see if you can get some support for your step-mother. However you have no rights, it doesn’t sound as though she brought you up so you don’t have that ‘obligation’, and there may be nothing you can do. Certainly nothing if your father stands in the way. That may be hard to accept, but it’s the truth.
Stay friends with your sister, and use her strength to support you in staying out of the way of your father. Don’t take his calls or texts, don’t go to see him. If you want to feel better about that, set a rule that ‘I’m not going to be involved until you have …..’. And it needs to be something substantial actually achieved.
Look after yourself and your son. Best wishes.
Thank you so much Margaret, it's nice to know I'm not alone :-)
Just wanted to say "hang in there!"
In the short time since I found this site, I have found an amazing & insightful bunch of people! Reaching out for help as you have is a 'protective behaviour' - keep it up!!
This journey that has started won't be all bad. Many come through with new skills in setting boundaries for themselves & gain confidence at saying No. I certainly am.
We are on your side.
To be blunt: Dad can get himself informed up (or not). Become a husband/carer or become a husband who visits (wherever she is moved to). No judgement on his choice - but either way, it's HIS life, HIS wife & HE has to choose how he will live it. This is his ship to sail where he will. He is the Captain.
Any expectations that YOU will be Captain, First Mate & all the million other roles he has lined up for you need to be sunk. (Sorry for being so corny, past my bedtime).
BTW I liked the corny ship mate references! :-)
Earlier on, with all that inappropriate and damaging information your father should never have shared with you about his marriage to your mother, you were swung hard one way.
Talking to your mother has helped you restore a better perspective in that your mother, quite rightly, let you understand that things were much more complicated than you were told. She was also very correct, I think I guess, in not simply retaliating with counteraccusations.
But don't now swing back the other way, and load all of the blame onto your father. Not because it's unfair to him - may or may not be, I've no idea - but because it's bad for you. You want the pendulum to be balanced, the last thing you need is another huge, unsettling push in the opposite direction.
Your father is a person in his own right, who has his own needs and on top of that now has to face his wife's dementia diagnosis. He *does* need help; and your stepmother does deserve skilled management of her care. But even if you wanted to, even if you didn't have other more important demands on your attention, you just wouldn't have the experience or training or time or resources it will take.
If your father were an emotionally well adjusted person, he would not have been talking to a preadolescent about his relationship, he would not have been so vulnerable to difficulties at work, he would not be a parasuicide, and he would not lean on alcohol. He would not be expecting anyone else to solve his problems. But he is not, QED, an emotionally well adjusted person. That does not mean that he does not love or care about you; but it does mean that he is unlikely to show it in ways that have real meaning to you.
One thing he could get right was give you money. So he did that. He is now puzzled and hurt that it has not been the total, correct answer in itself. He supported you - why are you not now wholly devoted to him in return? How confusing!
He gets things like this wrong all the time. Looking back - his marriage was in trouble, he needed to talk about it, and to whom did he talk? His teenage daughter. Well, holy mackerel! What kind of numbskull thinks THAT'S okay? An emotional numbskull, with zero understanding of protecting an adolescent from trauma, that's who.
But your dad is your dad. There is no law that says being a dad means you also have to be insightful and empathetic, and he is not those things. Instead of resenting that he doesn't give you what he hasn't got to give, accept what he is actually like and then work out where you want to go with him next.
Did you get in touch with your therapist? I hate to think of you having collywobbles when you see your father's number come up on your phone, and I do think it would be a good idea to get some quick fixes in place until you're feeling more confident.
I probably do need to go back to counselling to learn how the heck to deal with him.
Also, if there is a problem, see if your GP can negotiate something for you.
ROFL!
No, I don't think so. [Bless the girl, what is she thinking!]
Jakeypegs, the fact that I don't think it helps to "blame" your father does NOT mean that the damage he may have done to you was, is, seriously serious.
We protect children. We do not expose them to alien, frightening, inappropriate concepts. We do not burden them with our own hurts, that they cannot possibly begin to understand. We do not pollute their environments with verbal violence and conflict. We recognise that problems to us as adults, to them are hairy monsters under the bed.
I could go on, but you get the point. Your father loves you, he did not *intend* to harm you, but he has so little control over his own behaviour and his own feelings that he did harm you.
What has changed is that you are not a child any more, you have a child of your own to motivate you, and you can learn to manage your own relationships. But by yourself? Why? Why should you have to do this piece of healing on your own, any more than you would any other?
Your dad sounds like a toxic person. Relationships with toxic people rarely end well. Your wife is also affected because you are. Your choices impact your wife.
If you don't like being around your dad because he's racist, offensive, and acts inappropriately, then stop. You *choose* to spend time with him despite knowing that you cannot help him, won't change him, and will never satisfy him. You keep putting yourself in situations involving him and expecting a different outcome.
Toxic people are energy vampires. Energy vampires lack empathy. Your father does not care how anything he says or does affects you or anyone else for that matter. Recognize that you *choose* to engage with him and that you can make different choices. You can only control what you choose to do.
I learnt about it from someone on this forum. Here's a link if it is of interest to you. (Just google if link doesn't work).
https://www.theaustralian.com.au/life/using-fear-obligation-and-guilt-linked-to-emotional-blackmail/news-story/d7c29809da583e89bcdd2a4ddaf40135
I've often had situations, such as "I'm having a family do, I would really like you to come. I'll understand if you can't, but I would really like it if you do" In other words if you don't come I will kick off & totally throw my toys out of the pram. I know it doesn't sound like it, but it's the way he says it, like he's making it clear that I have to go, it's my obligation to him & he will be very upset and very angry if I don't & he will sulk like a child. So so true.
Yes we do only get one Mum and one Dad, but we are very lucky if both of them are exactly what we would have wanted. Some are fantastic, most are tolerable, and some are appalling. Serial killers have children, psychopathic ISIS torturers have children. Your father and mine are nudging into the ‘appalling’ class, while we have hoped and hoped for ‘tolerable’ like most other people.
We all want the ‘OK family image’ for our marriages as well, but we know that it isn’t always true. We all know about domestic violence abuse in all its forms, how impossible it is for the victim to reform the perpetrator, how hard it is for victims to walk away, and how relieved they are if they can start a new life. That’s where you are now. Perhaps you don’t need a counsellor, certainly not with so many complications that it becomes a stress in itself. But perhaps you need to walk away and start a new life!
Love from Margaret