I'm not yet thirty, my mother is in her late 60s. She's been in deteriorating health for about a decade and on deaths door but not yet dying since I was in my early twenties. She attributes this to the stress of caring for her own extremely mentally perturbed & disabled sister who has now been institutionalized. It's not, she's on daily dialysis for kidney failure, has a pacemaker, severe heart & lung problems, from being a lifelong smoker.
At first, I was taking FMLA leave and coming home for periods of a month or more. I grew up low class and having just been starting out with first 'big girl' job at the time this nearly financially destroyed me. I don't have enough characters to get into it all, but she was vicious, abusive, and ungratefult. She also wanted to be waited on hand & foot. Over time it made me realize how textbook abusive my childhood had been. I had to pull back for my own health about 2 years into this.
As a child, she would unload all her worries onto me and wanted to be babied, and of course all children want their mother happy so I played confidant. We had a relationship where she was telling me how much she wished her sister succeeded in killing herself, with no self awareness that she'd told me mere weeks prior that it was selfish to act traumatized by having seen said sister try to kill herself in a particularly gruesome way. All at 11 years old. She would tell me how much she wanted to kill herself, too. Still does.
She hated how her sister terrorized her with constant phone calls, how her sister would pout at any life my mother had out of jealousy, but still dig for every morsel of info & never let her get away without disclosing that she bought an ice cream or watched a movie or anything. It trapped her into never doing anything or lying. And said sister was constantly manipulating and vying for affection and attention while my mother grew more and more disgusted with her. But because of her sisters health she could never fully disengage unless this phone call was a real emergency.
Now with no self awareness, the same things drop from my mother's lips onto me. I didn't want to have daily calls anymore, it turned into a crying fit and giving in. We once had a fight where she hung up on me, said she never wanted to hear from me again... I she called me a hundred times and called everyone we know to call me without telling them what happened. Recently her calls have gone from once a day to 3...4...she called 12 times one Saturday just to piss and moan about her unhappiness, when I put a boundary up to not call me more than once a day she tried to get admitted to the ER to force me to talk to her in an emergency. She should be in some kind of assisted living but refuses so there's always real concerns with her heath. Once they sent her home the calls kicked back up to 3 times a day, all about 'tell me you don't want me to die,' 'tell me I'll get better,' 'I just want you to hold me and make it better,' and I tried to put my foot down. Every phone call for days after was passive aggressive comments that I've learned not to engage with about how I don't care, how she knows I don't want to talk to her, how I don't like her.
It had for once the opposite effect because something's finally snapped in me, and with each comment I'm fighting off telling her it's true, I don't care and as she once wished her sister had succeeded in killing herself I wish she had died 8 years ago. I feel nothing but hatred and disgust towards her.
Today she called over and over and over till I picked up, demanded to know what I'd been doing, and has called every hour to whine about wanting me home since. It's like with every inch she feels of distance she claws harder. She wants me to come home (I visited for 10 days at Christmas), she didn't ask she just started talking about what I should say to my boss. I can't do this anymore, but I know no one will understand if I cut her out.
I only have paternal half siblings, and her only sibling is the institutionalized sister. She used to have friends/cousins who cared for her but her neediness and ungratefulness really pushed everyone away. So once I really pull back there she really will be alone.
For what it is worth, I ended up helping an 90+ year old neighbor (initially a complete stranger) who I just happened to run into while I was taking a walk. She needed help. Anyway, I told her it was not long term, and that I would not take her in my car (she is a smoker), but I would strive to get her assistance. She refused everything - except transportation. I went through a big rigmarole to get her public bus service (the kind for people who can't take the regular bus), and then I said goodbye. That was about after 2-3 months of getting her groceries and sundries a couple times a week. I don't know what has happened to her. Her place was a mess, her clothes had cigarette burns in them, and she relied on snagging neighbors to shop for her. What is crazy is she had plenty of money to get aides to help, to get a walker with wheels, and to get shopping services or meals on wheels, but she wouldn't go there. I don't know what happened to her. But it is really not of my concern; I care about people who care about themselves and others - not users or abusers. :-\
She's now pouting that no one will help her and angry that now that those programs take weeks to set up and she can't just nap through their calls or visits to set it up.
Sorry, I guess that turned into a bit of a vent. But you're right.
Your mom is very young to have such "supposed" health issues. It sounds to me like she has more mental issues than actual health ones.
You need to learn to set the necessary boundaries with her once and for all, and let the chips fall where they may. And if that means cutting her out of your life completely, well so be it. It sounds like it will be healthier for you if you do.
And who the hell cares what other people think about it? Unless they have walked in your shoes they will never understand, so do whatever is best for you.
Be strong and take care of yourself.
The health problems are unfortunately real. In the beginning I was very involved in her healthcare and speaking with her doctors but she rejected everything that wasn't me or a friend helping her since until she'd driven everyone out of her life. She's dangerously underweight at about 70lbs (she's not dead at that weight as we're both quite short).
But otherwise, yes, I think I needed to hear this all. It's out of my control if she'll mind boundaries and if that means not having a relationship so be it, it's just hard to let go.
Have you ever spoken with a therapist specializing in helping survivors of childhood abuse? Besides hopefully getting some good ideas and feedback on forums like this, I think you absolutely owe it to yourself to get some professional one-on-one expertise in this situation. I know I would for myself, in a heartbeat, had I suffered what you’ve gone through.
Best to you. 😊
Therapy would probably be a good idea. My best friend has been trying to convince me to go for a while. At first I just didn't have the money but now I have much better health insurance and I've been putting it off. But you're right and I certainly will try to get into therapy.
Believe it or not your mother could live for many more years,
Do not answer her calls, eventually she will get the hint. Or tell her "I am not going to answer these constant calls anymore, you are doing the same thing to me that your sister did to you". STOP!
It may be time to cut the cord, you are young and deserve a life of peace & happiness.
It sounds like your mother grew up in a very dysfunctional household and since that is how she grew up and probably thought it was "normal" that is how she continued and how she raised you.
You need to care for your own mental and emotional health.
You are not responsible for her.
You are responsible for yourself.
Let calls go to voice mail.
If you do wish to have some contact tell her that she can call you on Saturday between 11am and 1pm. but other than that time span you have your own projects that need to be taken care of. This way she will not bother you at work.
Do not take any more Family Medical Leave.
It sounds like she m ight qualify for Hospice. She would get visits every week from a Nurse, several times a week from CNA and at least 1 time a month, more if needed a Social Worker. And she can request a Volunteer that could come in and stay with her for a few hours each week....or she can request a Volunteer for some shopping or light housecleaning.
Mother appears to want you to 'fix' things for her. She does have many very serious health problems & needs.
Yet these are not within the realm of reality for you to cure, solve, fix. Neither it is reasonable for you to meet all her needs - from providing all her social/emotional needs eg answering every phone call. Or meet her physical needs eg take on her daily living tasks.
It sounds like your Mother lacks insight to her situation.
This may be due to her health issues, changes in brain chemistry (dialysis) thinking skills or mental illness or other.
Again, you cannot fix it.
Many times a full stepping away is required for the sanity & self-care of the targeted 'saviour' (ie you).
This allows the natural consequences to happen - new circumstances & hopefully new care arrangements to be found.
It may indeed be necessary.
The middle way would be becoming an Advocate for your Mother.
Not to take all her calls, or do all her tasks yourself - but to point her in the direction of other help. Eg home services, support workers for driving, companionship etc. Spread the load of her needs.
If this fails, locate help & point that towards your Mother instead. This may even be APS to report a vulnerable adult. Or if she is acutely unwell or unsafe, contacting EMS or a Mental Health emergency response service.
If/when there is another ER admission, this is when you make a frank discussion with the Social Worker happen.
Explain Mother's living situation. Explain her apparent lack of insight & ability to look after herself.
Then step back.
That should give you more control over the chaos mother has injected into your life. You can see her or speak to her on YOUR terms w/o cutting her out completely at this point in her life.
Good luck to you
You were ‘her’ child and it was her responsibility to be ‘your’ parent.
I am sure that it was an extremely difficult for her to care for her sister and while it may explain her situation, it doesn’t excuse her behavior.
It’s sad that she didn’t seek help from a licensed professional psychologist when she needed it. You paid the price for her suffering. You were robbed of an innocent childhood.
You do not have to have a relationship with her just because she is your mom.
The only way that you have a chance to build a healthy relationship with your mother is if she would agree to seek therapy. If you would like to consider this, you can suggest therapy and offer to attend with her.
Ultimately, you will have to accept whatever she decides to do in her life. You are not responsible for her. You are free to live your own life as an adult. You are no longer trapped in an awful situation like you were as a child.
Please seek therapy for yourself whether your mom decides to go or not. It will help you to heal and move forward with your goals.
I wish you peace as you continue on in the midst of this difficult journey.
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