We are planning to attempt to move my mother into our home. My fear is that if I, as the caregiver become too sleep deprived I will not be able to care for her well during the day. She has been in assisted living for the last 3 years having 3 shifts a day care for her needs.
She already wears depends and is used to calling for help to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. She is frail and a fall risk so she cannot go alone. I have considered buying a portable handicap toilet for next to her bed. Overnight care givers seem expensive for just one trip to the bathroom but I have difficulty going back to sleep once I wake up.
Do keep in touch. We'd love to be supportive through the ups and downs.
Being involved with her in some of the activities where she is now could be quality time. My mom lived with my newly-retired sister for about a year before her mobility problems and dementia became too much for at-home care. It is very important for Mom to have her hair looking nice. Toward to end of her stay my sister could not even talk her into going to the hair dresser. Now the hair dresser at the nh comes for her weekly, wheels her to the shop, and then wheels her to lunch or where ever she needs to be next. There is live entertainment at least once a week, and she doesn't even have to struggle into a jacket! I try to go when they have certain crafts scheduled that I know are helper-intensive. One sister always meets the nh van at Walmart when they go and takes Mom around. Another sister went with the nh group to the local 4th of July parade. Another sister (there are 4 of us!) and I took Mom and her friend to an outdoor apple festive the nh put on. (Volunteers are available for those who have no family member to help.) In other words, Mom has gone from watching television all day and dreading any trips at all to participating in lots of activities. Instead of sitting alone a lot, we come in to find her having coffee and talking to other residents.
Are you sure that taking away your mother's current social life, moving away from people she has been used to for three years, and reducing the number of activities available to her will be an improvement to her quality of life?
What if after a good night's rest you visited her after breakfast and did activities with her, if there is something scheduled she particularly likes, or sat and chatted with her and other residents she likes, or wheeled her around the ground (or helped her if she uses a walker) and commented on the changing seasons or the odd picture in the hallway? Admired the decorations on the residents' doors? Took her out to pick out a new decoration for her door? (If she is able to ride in a car OK). The next day go for a few hours after lunch and play cards with her. One evening bring in photo albums of your time abroad and tell her about your life there.
I really can understand that you want to have quality time with your mother. I am not at all sure that requires you to do the hands-on caregiving.
Why not give visiting her where she is a chance for a couple of months, before you decide you have to move her to achieve your goal?
There isn't such a thing as a risk-free life, especially in old age or with dementia. But it is usually good to be aware of the risks and to recognize which ones we can minimize.
Maybe you can convince someone to just go ahead and pee in her diaper at night and not to get out of bed -- maybe. But I'd bet against it.
She is at hospice for a 5 day respite and I plan on sleeping late. Yes, I am having her do at home hospice so there is still a lot on my plate. For the next few days, however, those responsibilities are lifted. And I will be ready and happy to have her come home on Monday.
And you will need to elder-proof your home. Those lovely items you bought while living overseas will need to be put away due to Mom's mobility problems, as you don't want them broken nor Mom. Same with those nice accent rugs bought in far away lands. Mom will need a main floor bedroom/full bath. The bathroom will need grab bars.
Your quality time will slowly morph into resentment time. And your Mom will start to feel the same way, missing her best friends forever at her old Assisted Living. Meals will need to be the same time as Assisted Living because that is what Mom was use to, and she may prefer their meals over yours.
Have you thought about what if something happens to you? Last year I fell and broke my shoulder. Any type of caregiving to an elder is out the window for months on end. I couldn't drive for 6 months, thus I had to cancel all my parents doctor appointments as they refused to use a taxi. It would take me a half hour just to get dress myself.... couldn't imagine meeting the needs of an elderly parent, too.
Lot of food for thought.