I would just like to have a little healing time myself and wondered what feelings other caregivers have to deal with nastiness and vitriol. What tools do they use to stop being constantly hurt? At no time do I retaliate when my mother starts. I just bite my tongue and cry when I get home.
Since her only condition was age-related decline, I decided to stop being her punching bag. I did, however, keep the lines of communication open in case she wanted to share her grief or just shoot the breeze.
I didn't make any threats I wasn't going to carry out; and she knew it.
I'm just fine, thanks for asking! Since I changed my phone number and leave it off the hook often so the NH can't bug me with every little thing I don't have the stress of dreading and dealing with the afternoon screaming, fight picking phone calls and I'm feeling so much better. Spring is just around the corner and I'm planning my gardens, along with more renovations. I'm finally free!
She felt horrible and apologized. Said she will not call me names and will work on talking to me before being so harsh. She has bipolar disorder so it's not easy for her to do all this but I know she'll try.
Talk with your mother. Lay it out to her. Remind her when she gets this way that you understand she is frustrated with getting older but it's not easy for anyone and being verbally abusive doesn't make it any easier.
If you've had enough, fair enough, but don't punish her for that one. It must be harder if she was always like that, though, I do understand. Mine was only clueless, never selfish.
And are you ok? Are you getting that check up? Shouldn't you have the - bleah, what's it called, somebody? - you know, the blood flow through the carotid artery check? Somebody will know what I'm wittering about.
It occurred to me today that she's not called to see if I'm feeling, ok, going to get a checkup? Nada, nothing ... she couldn't give a damn in h*ll about me or my well being - it is and has always been about her.. That's the final straw. Apart from the occasional visit, ensuring she has all she needs and attending to her finances I'm kicking her to the curb After over 60 years of misery I'm taking my life back with both hands.
I wish I could give you ideas for dealing with it, but I have none. I generally hold my tongue, maybe go to the bathroom and cry a bit, then go back out. By that time, she has forgotten whatever flared her up and we start again. I continually remind myself that she does not know what she is saying, that she would never talk to me that way and would be appalled if she knew. I pray for patience (and hurry up!) and go on. Must admit though, it is SO HARD!!
As for the "hat and coat" method, not everyone can do that. I cannot leave my mother alone for any amount of time and there is nobody else to stay with her. About a month ago, while I was in the bathroom in the morning, she got the car keys, took off for 5 hours and ultimately wrecked the car. THANKFULLY she was not hurt, nor did she hurt anyone else or their property.
I am 56 and disabled. I never treated my grown children (when they were young, when they were teens!) with sarcasm, negativity or hateful talk. I extended respect to my children. I did not slap or beat my children. Once I was forced to disciplne them when they did not pick up laundry and tidy the kitchen - it was Saturday and I called a Maids Service, paid the $45 and announced nobody was going to the movies for the next 5 weeks! Non-violence is very important to me. Violence can also be verbal.
I guess....I am shocked at the lack of respect the by some of BabyBoomers and their parents' generation shared. Parental respect cannot be "demanded". Nor violence be a part of childrearing. There are ways to show a youngster right from wrong that doesn't rely on beatings and violence. And we cannot change older people, especially if they are toxic. We can only change ourselves. But as responsible adults, we should not have to endure insults and toxic verbal abuse by our aging parent(s). There is never any justification for verbal abuse.
I would never dream of verbally assaulting my youngsters (now grown), just as I would not physically assault them. How I would like to say this to other "older" parents from the depression generation! Or any generation buying into the myth of subjugation and inflicting psychic harm on a child! Respect is a two way street.
My mom was always nasty though from as far back as I can remember. Eventually, if you deal with it enough you'll still hurt, but anger will come to your rescue...better pissed off than pissed on... I'm sorry you guys have to deal... No fun there for sure... :/