It's not safe for mom to stay alone in her house anymore, how can I start this discussion with her?
My mother is very independent and always has been. Unfortunately she has had many back surgeries, this past summer (where a facility broke her back). She was in the hospital and rehab for almost two months. Of course, I was here to help her out. Honestly it is a miracle she can walk as the doctors said she may never walk. Just as she was getting better, we found out she had to have double bypass open heart surgery (Dec 14). My husband and I were notified via Life Alert that she had fallen in her house; my husband purchased a home close to my mom for the main reason of caring for her. She had fallen and hit her head, having to go to the ER. She had a concussion, but would not listen to doctors orders when she arrived back home.
I had come to South Carolina back in 2007 to be close to my mom for any help she may need. I do not regret that decision for a second. I am looking for a support group to help with the burn out and frustration I am beginning to feel. In addition, knowing some things are simply not safe in her house for her to stay her alone. I have no idea how to start that discussion. Any advise is greatly appreciated!
As I wrote in response to another similar question,
My company builds microhome units for all purposes, one of which is to allow aging seniors to live independently. The home includes bedroom, bathroom shower (with seating) a kitchen and living room area.
The small confines of the unit encourages the feeling of security for an inactive senior, and eases accessibility. It even includes a wall that, when lowered, reveals a window to the world 20 feet long, enjoyable from inside, or out on the newly created deck through a sliding door!
For the active senior, it encourages outdoor activity on whatever level they are capable, from golf and tennis, to walks of any length, to interaction and play with grandchildren or great grandchildren.
While resellable later at or near the purchase price, the unit is, at $30,000 not for everyone. Other costs may include a concrete pad, preparation of utilities, and the necessary permits that may be required. Additionally, an urban lot may not have the space. The home is 40 feet long and 8 feet wide.
While not for every person, it is an option that helps an aging parent maintain an independent lifestyle while reducing the worry and stress of watching a loved parent age by keeping them close in case of emergency.
Other bonuses are that the unit is waterproof, (you can submerge it in a flood, and if it was closed up properly, it will remain bone dry inside) hurricane and tornado resistant, and perhaps best of all for aging care, almost burn proof. The only items inside that can burn are the cupboards and personal items.
All building materials are burn proof or burn resistant, and cork tiling is used on the floors for comfort and to minimize injury due to falls and broken dishes.
The unit ships simply, just put it on a semi or train.
Does she have any specific reason that she wants to remain in her house? Is she friends with her neighbors and active in the community? Or is it just because it feels familiar? For many seniors who have owned a house for a long time, the community around them has changed so much that there is no one they even know. So they sit in the familiar house alone, watching TV and feeling unhappy. It seems like many elders would be much happier to be around people their own age that are doing enjoyable things. I guess, being a part of a more mobile generation, I have a hard time understanding such attachment to a living place.
If the parent doesn't want strangers in the house, the adult child can assume the responsibility. He/she can quit their job and move to be closer to the parent. Maybe the spouse can even come along and hopefully find a new job. Hopefully the strain on the family won't be too difficult as the parent becomes more ill and requires more time.
The third option is the parent can be the one to move into a facility that will care for him/her. The children can continue on with their lives and visit when possible.
I have a question that puzzles me. Why does the want of a parent to remain in their home outweigh the needs of the rest of the family. If we think about it, it really makes no sense except to say that we give such heavy weigh to the desires of the parents. Usually the need assistance because staying in the house alone doesn't make sense anymore. Quitting jobs, leaving spouses, stressing families -- is it just enabling someone to continue a lifestyle that doesn't work anymore? And is it keeping them from making new friends in a retirement community?
One doesn't have to give up everything to take care of parents.
Companion and homemaker agencies can also offer transportation to doctor appointments as well as shopping, cooking and home management.
Start the discussion as wanting to help prolong your loved ones independence for as long as possible. When they agree, you can also discuss with them that now is the time to make a decision because should something happen with their health, they may not have a choice. Do it ASAP!
Given a choice, most would prefer to remain in their home around their family and belongings. Much history there as well as a feeling of well being and connection that they cannot easily develop elsewhere.
HelperZack