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Congrats on you for setting boundaries!! It is so good to read an update from a poster and that they have taken all the advice to heart and made a change. You are me of the few I’ve ever read on here to do this. Best of luck to you in the future!
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Congratulations for making some fabulous decisions for yourself. Good luck..
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I am glad that you made some needed decisions. Good for you!
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I have read through the comments, so I know that OP has refused care-giving via notarized letter and moved out. Good for OP! Please also try to let any guilt they might continue to lay on you roll off like raindrops. You have not done anything to be guilty for, they have! They are wrong to even ASK you to do this, and ogres for telling you that you must do this and/or suggesting YOU are the problem. You are not.

The only concern I have is in the original post you said "...be told the same thing, without POA, I have no say in her care." I would agree that you have no say in her care, but that is NOT the same as saying you are responsible for or can be appointed to be her caregiver. I don't care if it is your mother (POA manages medical and financial issues, but does NOT have the power to enslave you or even appoint you as the designated care-giver!), the doctors, the hospital staff and/or social worker - NONE of them has any business saying that YOU must care for her.

As for you leaving her home before she returns - how can that be neglect? She isn't even there to be neglected!! It isn't abuse either - you can't abuse or neglect someone who isn't there. Getting out prior to her return was the best plan. Having wonderful friends is better than family!

You also mentioned "I do get medicaid with a work exemption (caring for a family member fullfills the work requirement because it is documented by her PCP) so I will have that until I start working a "normal" job." I would ABSOLUTELY terminate this, effective at least the date you moved out, if not before. You have not been caring for her since she was hospitalized and since you won't be caring for her when they "discharge" her, then you need to terminate any payment. You can't wait until you have a normal job - they can come after you to pay back any payments made after you relinquished care duties.

Good luck in building a new life for yourself! Be sure to at least visit grandma now and then, wherever it is they end up placing her if you can - sounds like no one else will, she needs a familiar friendly face once in a while!
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To Aquacrush: Glad you made that good decision for your life. God bless you and give you courage, strength and the freedom to live your life. Mom and hospital will have to take care of grandma. jdevorah1
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Could you get your own doctor to offer an evaluation on you that would be more supportive of your situation? You know yourself and you're not being given much credit for this.

I have been subject to the same harassment in times past and one person can't take care of a patient 24/7 like they are insinuating.
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You are correct that you have no "say" in her care - and because you are NOT her POA, you are NOT responsible for taking care of her or orchestrating her healthcare decisions. You are NOT legally obligated to take care of your ailing grandmother. Please put your foot down and set boundaries NOW.

So, just say NO to your family and refuse to care for her - for both of your safety! You are correct that is unsafe to be expected to care for a partially paralyzed dementia patient. She needs to be in a nursing home at this point.

It appears that you are a female granddaughter. If the tables were turned and you were a MALE, do you believe that you would be "expected" to take care of your ailing grandmother? I think not.
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Update July 23: Grams is officially in a care facility! I did go up to help her get settled in, took her some clothes/ personal belongings, and talked to her (she was fairly lucid) about what was going on. She said she understood, loved me, and said as long as I was safe and taken care of, that she was happy. I don't know how long/ much she will remember from day to day, but it brought me peace.

They also got the medicaid paperwork started, and said it normally takes about 45 days to kick in, but will back pay to the application date. Ive spent the last few days packing/ moving. My mother definately isn't happy about her sudden responsibility, but I honestly feel like the entire world has been lifted off of my back for the first time.

I have an interview for a job this Wednesday, and with a good set of skills and a few years of experience, I should have a pretty good chance. If hired, I would start at 14.50/hr, which around here is one of the higher pay grades for a non-degree job. (For context, average rent in my area is 200-400/mo. )

Thank you all so much again for your love and advice. I don't know if I could have mustered the courage to stand up for myself without it.
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CaregiverL Jul 2019
Congrats to you Aquacrush! hoooraaayyy!!!!! Such a loving moment w Grandma..who obviously cares for you deeply . Stay strong 💪 Good luck on job interview. Smile & eye contact & just talk about your job experience. If they question any gaps, explain you were caregiver, but now you can be committed to job. Wear business suits/skirt. Manicure nails. Let us know how it goes. 🤗 hugs 🤗 hugs 🤗
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Aquacrush? May I just say ...

WOOOOOO-HOOOOOO!

You're an inspiration. So's your Grams.
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Good for you and your Grandmother! So many people come on this site for help and guidance and never follow through..good luck with your future!
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Aquacrush Jul 2019
I think I knew for a while that it was coming, and just needed the advice and encouragement to follow through. There was so much negativity around me that it took the love and kindness of the people here to part the clouds and give me that ray of hope to run with <3
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So, so happy for you!
You have made so much progress in such a short period of time.

Hold on to that conversation with your Grandma. I think you will find it helps as time goes on. When someone dear to you has those moments of lucidity, when they get to express the “real” them and how they feel deep down under the dementia, those moments are a great gift. They give you clarity on your own path... which sounds like it fits with Gma’s impact on your life in the past:)

It will also give you strength as you stay the course.

So many good wishes on the job. Whether it is this opportunity or another, I have a feeling you will be snapped up by an employer looking for a sharp, articulate person who is competent and dedicated.
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Oh Aquacrush such good news.

You are going to kick it in the job interview.

Your grandmother sounds like a lovely lady. And your mom, well she can be mad, it's not going to change anything for you.

Great big hug!
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Aquacrush Jul 2019
My grandma is an incredible woman. She raised me when my mom couldn't be bothered, spent 22 years as the district manager of a chain of convenience stores, and has now survived a stroke from a blood clot in her brain and three blocked arteries. I can only Hope to be as strong as she is.
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Aquacrush - you are my hero!! You made sure your grandma is taken care of with the level of care she needs, you got out of indentured servitude, you are going to kick a$$ in the interview, and you have some housemates glad to have you. Post again to let us know how you are doing.
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