Hey all, a few of you may remember my previous posts about my grandmother who broke her arm, and only a week later had a massive stroke.
The past few days have been a nightmare. Though she is doing well, and in physical therapy (much to her complaints) the nurses and social worker are saying they can only treat her for 21 days and then have to send her home, regardless of her condition!!! It is just her and I here with no family support, and I KNOW I am not physically or mentally capable of caring 24/7 for a partially paralyzed dementia patient. The issue is, her daughter (my mother) has POA, and (with the doctors backing her up) has basically told me "oh, you'll do great! You always have. We believe in you" aka "we are going to take away the next 5-10 years of your life and you have no say in the matter."
I have talked to the area on aging, her doctors, and even a couple of elder care attorneys, voicing my concerns only to be told the same thing, without POA, I have no say in her care.
I am sick to my stomach, crying frequently, and scared out of my mind. Can they really dump full responsibility on me with no recourse? Am I able to just refuse and move out to let them figure it out? I know this must sound really selfish but I have been caring for my family since I was 11 years old, even up to when my grandmother has the stroke, and I honestly feel that they are not taking mine, or my grandma's health and safety into consideration.
I'm only 27, and even if it's a late start, I still have some chance of making a future for myself. Right now I feel like I'm standing before judge and jury waiting for a death sentence. I feel horrible for essentially punishing my grandma for something out of her control, and other people's lack of empathy, but I feel like I'm losing my mind, and am afraid for both of us if I get forced into this. And sugestions are welcomed.
The only concern I have is in the original post you said "...be told the same thing, without POA, I have no say in her care." I would agree that you have no say in her care, but that is NOT the same as saying you are responsible for or can be appointed to be her caregiver. I don't care if it is your mother (POA manages medical and financial issues, but does NOT have the power to enslave you or even appoint you as the designated care-giver!), the doctors, the hospital staff and/or social worker - NONE of them has any business saying that YOU must care for her.
As for you leaving her home before she returns - how can that be neglect? She isn't even there to be neglected!! It isn't abuse either - you can't abuse or neglect someone who isn't there. Getting out prior to her return was the best plan. Having wonderful friends is better than family!
You also mentioned "I do get medicaid with a work exemption (caring for a family member fullfills the work requirement because it is documented by her PCP) so I will have that until I start working a "normal" job." I would ABSOLUTELY terminate this, effective at least the date you moved out, if not before. You have not been caring for her since she was hospitalized and since you won't be caring for her when they "discharge" her, then you need to terminate any payment. You can't wait until you have a normal job - they can come after you to pay back any payments made after you relinquished care duties.
Good luck in building a new life for yourself! Be sure to at least visit grandma now and then, wherever it is they end up placing her if you can - sounds like no one else will, she needs a familiar friendly face once in a while!
I have been subject to the same harassment in times past and one person can't take care of a patient 24/7 like they are insinuating.
So, just say NO to your family and refuse to care for her - for both of your safety! You are correct that is unsafe to be expected to care for a partially paralyzed dementia patient. She needs to be in a nursing home at this point.
It appears that you are a female granddaughter. If the tables were turned and you were a MALE, do you believe that you would be "expected" to take care of your ailing grandmother? I think not.
They also got the medicaid paperwork started, and said it normally takes about 45 days to kick in, but will back pay to the application date. Ive spent the last few days packing/ moving. My mother definately isn't happy about her sudden responsibility, but I honestly feel like the entire world has been lifted off of my back for the first time.
I have an interview for a job this Wednesday, and with a good set of skills and a few years of experience, I should have a pretty good chance. If hired, I would start at 14.50/hr, which around here is one of the higher pay grades for a non-degree job. (For context, average rent in my area is 200-400/mo. )
Thank you all so much again for your love and advice. I don't know if I could have mustered the courage to stand up for myself without it.
WOOOOOO-HOOOOOO!
You're an inspiration. So's your Grams.
You have made so much progress in such a short period of time.
Hold on to that conversation with your Grandma. I think you will find it helps as time goes on. When someone dear to you has those moments of lucidity, when they get to express the “real” them and how they feel deep down under the dementia, those moments are a great gift. They give you clarity on your own path... which sounds like it fits with Gma’s impact on your life in the past:)
It will also give you strength as you stay the course.
So many good wishes on the job. Whether it is this opportunity or another, I have a feeling you will be snapped up by an employer looking for a sharp, articulate person who is competent and dedicated.
You are going to kick it in the job interview.
Your grandmother sounds like a lovely lady. And your mom, well she can be mad, it's not going to change anything for you.
Great big hug!