I call my Mom 1-2 x's a day.. I was phoning twice consistently until she said "I will be lying here waiting for your 2nd call this evening." Freaked me out. I have read others' posts re: some of the incessant calling by a Parent. Told her last week she is a priority but I have other priorities. She made a crack that she was the most important priority. So, last few weeks, I altered. Depending on the day & how I feel I phone once or twice a day. If the call feels off (she gets nasty), I might skip until the next morning. I see her once a week as well. 2 hr drive each way for me. I have a career and 2 grown Kids that live with/live nearby. Today, during a 4 hr mtg, she phoned 3 x's & left voice mails. I called her around 5 PM & she didn't pick up. I left a voicemail. I tried 30 mins later, she picked up. I told her I was wiped. Had a long mtg, had just finished emailing with a Client and taking phone calls from my Kids.. Told her I can't take calls middle of the day & that she knows I generally call in the AM or if not, afternoon/evening. (I have had to change up my routine--so I can tolerate the phone convos-mentally exhausting.)... She replied with "I wasn't put on this earth to be nice to you." I asked her if she could understand what I was saying re: being in the middle of a meeting. She said we just wouldn't talk as often & said she had to go. Classic. No apology. Why am I left feeling guilty now? I tried to explain rationally & it was met with a jab. Never ends.
Since you have a time consuming job, then I would not call Mom until I got home, got in my lay around clothes and had my dinner. Give me time to wind down. I would start considering alternate living for her now. If she can afford it, a nice Assisted Living. If not maybe an aide to come in for a certain time of the day. Maybe getting her lunch and dinner. Really, even early Dementia, they should not be alone. Too unpredictable. She could leave a pot on the stove to burn up. Maybe forget how to use a remote to watch TV. My Mom forgot to use a remote and the telephone early in her Dementia.
My new Mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way. You need to find resources for Mom now. With a job you can't have her living with you or visa versa. Being 2 hrs away you can't just jump in the car for every little thing she needs. She is eventually is going to need more than you are able to give.
I hope you have POA for financial and medical. If not get them while she is still capable of understanding what they mean. Once she is incompetent to make informed decisions she cannot assign a POA. If she bulks at it, tell her then eventually the State will take over her care and they will determine where she lives.
You now set boundries for you and stick to them. If she doesn't like them, oh well. You have a life that she is not the center of. Part of but not the center of. She hasn't been the center of your life since you left her house and made a life for yourself.
My niece came to visit me for 3 days and we were checking out after shopping. Her Mom, my SIL, called her and my niece told her she was checking out and would call her when she got back to the car. When she called her from the car my SIL did not answer. She said that her Mom does this all thetime to get back at her for not talking to her when SIL wanted to talk. When she finally got her Mom it was about something she could have called my niece about when she got home. SIL has a husband. This is such a red flag for niece. I think she is aware how to handle Mom since she has always had personality disorder. My SIL never physically cared for her parents so I hope she doesn't feel her daughter should.
She knows how to push all of your buttons and pull all of your triggers because she is the one who installed them in you and probably at a very young age.
My mother did the same exact thing.
Here's how you handle it.
Do not take any calls from her while you are working. Let it go to voicemail. She will no doubt leave a message. If it's an actual emergency then respond. If it's not pay it no mind and delete it.
Reduce your number of calls to one call every other day for a while.
When she asks why, tell her plainly that you are not willing or able to tolerate her negativity, complaining, gaslighting, and abuse more than that. If she starts up when you're talking to her, say good-bye and hang up. Do not call back and do not answer the many calls that will follow.
You will never get an apology for anything and she will not validate your feelings in any way. Same goes for me. It's never going to happen.
Do not indulge her nonsense for one second ever again. This is what I did and still do. When the pity party starts up, or the negativity, or the gaslighting, or the martyrdom I tell my mother plainly that I do not care and I walk away. In your case you can hang-up.
Please get help so you don't carry this sort of thing and pass it on. Those who feel guilty often have a lifelong history in being trained to respond.
You will have to learn a new way of habitual reaction and thinking and as you do it more and more it will become more and more comfortable.
It will including being "nice" but being "confident". You will say your piece, await the explosion of whatever detritus she throws out, then respond gently "We will talk again tomorrow in the hopes you are feeling better".
Then the phone goes off and doesn't get responded to. Tomorrow the training resumes.
Good behavior gets more phone time. Bad behavior gets less.
Or gets a hang up and "Oh, sorry. My phone must be malfunctioning; let me be certain you have 911 number so you can get help in an emergency Mom."
Be sweet and kind and slow and gentle. Don't expect an apology. How old is she? How old are you? And did you ever get one yet that wasn't a part of a manipulation.
Now, mind you, saying "No" gently and with a full stop after it, not arguing or explaining? That takes practice. Get professional help if you need it. Most caregiver types or type with lots of parental training DO need help. But it gets easier and easier and easier. And the rewards are wonderful. You will dislocate your shoulder for trying to pat yourself on the back soon enough.
You cannot change her. You can only change your reactions. And you need to for your own health. We tell people who we are. We tell them how they can treat us. From that it's habitual.
Good luck. Consider help. When you call the counselor tell him or her that you need a few sessions to learn how to say no. How to realize that what you feel is often grief and not guilt. Hunger for affection that will not come. Not from THAT quarter.
Best of luck to you and update us when you have said no a few times, let the phone ring a few times, made up a whole bunch of stories about why your phone wasn't with you, wasn't working, blah blah. She will get the idea soon enough. "I don't BELIEVE you," she will shout. Response to that one is "Oh, I'm sorry you don't; that must be uncomfortable for you". Smile sweetly and on you go.
I come from the day when we had no answering machines let alone a phone we held in our hands to fret over 24/7. So I was way ahead on any of this. I still only have a voicemail and I SCREEN everything that comes in.
"You are setting yourself up for failure especially with the mindset that she is able to live alone. Financially best decision in what sense?"
My Mom can live comfortably at home w/Caregivers when the time comes-when she physically cannot go up & down her stairs, etc.. I think it will be some years..
Too pricey with Home Caregivers as you know. We went thru this with my Dad who was retired Doc. So, we used them last handful of mos when we needed to bring in other assistance.. My Mom would burn thru her $ if Caregivers were to come in now. No desire to ever put her in pricey Assisted Living, etc... We've had experience with those (we had my Dad in a Board & Care a couple mos with private Caregivers round the clock--food was horrible as were accommodations) My Mom is too mean to bring anyone in now. She would rebel & it would be HELL for Caregivers... I'd like to clean up her home, but she won't let me.. Time will pass & we will go with next steps.. She can still drive down to her market...and take care of basic grooming (though not embracing in a big way)
and the advice here is brilliant,
Use boundaries and try to ease the guilt. (I’ve been awake half the night thinking about conversations I’ve had with my mum yesterday feeling guilt frustration expectations). It’s hard for you too when you know there’s early onset etc going on.
l’ve done the calling back in the vain attempt that maybe they’ll be some sort of apology reconciliation or even acknowledgement but it doesn’t happen and that just makes it worse.
l read in another post yesterday about shrinking worlds; how someone’s world becomes smaller and focussed on what is going on for them. I found that helpful for some reason.
dont burn out. Take a step back even just for a couple of days to begin with whilst you work out your tactics going forward.
good luck with it
It's called Never Simple. It's the tale of a caring daughter of a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder. And what goes wrong. Endless sabotage of daughter's efforts to help her mom.
You can't make her do anything. You can only change your behavior.
Tell her you cannot pick up on every single one of her calls or texts. You will call her at 5 p.m. everyday or in a time range that she agrees to pick up. If she doesn't want that, then just don't call her.
"caring for my mother... who is 81 years old, living at home with age-related decline and alzheimer's / dementia. Father passed on Jan 1st. Mom has horrible attitude re: allowing me to help clean & organize. Actually she has mental issues on top of being alone for the 1st time in decades. One step down from being a hoarder."
Does she have a diagnosed mental disorder? Does she have a medical diagnosis of dementia/memory impairment?
As she becomes less and less able to care for herself (endangering herself, not getting medical care) are you thinking you will help her more and more? Just asking because at her age and apparent mental issues a crisis is imminent and you shoud have a plan now for how you choose to react to it, or not. It's time to create your own boundaries since she doesn't seem able to see them or care about them. She will burn you out if you don't have strong ones and a plan. FYI you are not responsible for her happiness. You are not morally or legally obligated to be her caregiver or manager. We don't get to choose our biological family but we can control whether and how we engage with them. I wish you much wisdom, clarity and peace in your heart as you work through decisions.
Without an audience, women like this tend to stop going in for the jabs all the time.
Good luck!
As leaalonnie1 stated, just let her calls go to voicemail and don't contact her for a couple of days. Her demands that she be your 'most important priority' are way off base, but she obviously didn't understand that you have other things going on in your life that need attention.
I can see how the way she phrases things might make you feel guilty, but remember that she is being taken care of and you are going above and beyond with what many children would do for their parents.