I am 34, my boyfriend is 45. We are both educated people. We've been dating for almost 5 months. He is currently in a rather unique situation. About 4 years ago, he met an elderly women he met at a conference where he was a speaker. She got to know him and trust him, and wound up asking him if he would be her guardian and take care of her when she needed it. She agreed to pay him a salary. Coincidentally, a few weeks later she fell and broke her hip which limited her independence. She moved into an assisted living type situation and he had an apartment nearby. About 2 years ago, they moved to my city and actually bought a condo together. She paid for most of it, and he paid for some of it. At any rate, the condo is owned by them jointly with 'right of survivorship' and it is paid off. This woman, who is now 84, was very good with her money and makes over 100,000 per year. She also bought the condo next door, and had a caregiver move-in to help take care of her. That condo is also under right of survivorship. So if the lady dies, my boyfriend takes ownership of both condos. And if he dies, vice versa. My boyfriend lives on the top level, and the elderly lady lives on the bottom level. She doesn't enter his space. The caregiver accesses the lady's lower level apartment through the garage door. She is still competent. He is her financial and medical POA. The situation has complications. The lady's son apparently is very resentful that she asked my boyfriend to be the guardian instead of him, and constantly tries to stir up trouble, make false DSS reports, etc. At any rate, my boyfriend said that when he gets married, his wife will have to live with him in the condo since that's his job and he has to be there at night. He is very clear that he made a committment and will keep it 'until she dies or until I die'. His schedule is that he cooks for this lady monday through thursday, breakfast lunch and dinner, and her schedule can be sporadic. So basically he is tied to the house from 7am to 9pm (if her dinner goes late) and by that time he's exhausted. He does get weekends off. But, he is always 'on call' if you will, in case there is an emergency. He has 3 hired caregivers, so he is able to get breaks and vacation. One complication is that the caregiver next door is somehow under the impression that she will 'get the house' when the elderly lady dies. This is not true, but the elderly lady has been showing some cognitive deficits so I wouldn't be surprised if she said something like this in a disoriented state. The issue at hand is that my boyfriend said he would expect his wife to live with him in the condo because that's his job and he has to live there. He says he wants marriage and kids, and said that his current committment won't stand in the way of him having that. I own my own home. My dilemma is that if I moved in with him I would have no legal rights to the house if something happened to him or he died. I'd have to move out. He mentioned that he would get life insurance to make sure I was taken care of, and that I could always move back into my home. This would mean that I'd have to keep my home and continue either paying a mortgage or having renters in it, which I'm not too keen on. The other issue is that I don't particularly like the place he lives. There is absolutely no room for any of my stuff, there are a gazillion stairs to enter the condo, there is no yard at all for a kid to play in, and we have to sacrifice some privacy with the caregiver needing to access the elderly lady's space every day. We can hear the door opening and we can't really have a private conversation in certain areas of the house.. The neighborhood is a retirement community where lots of older folks live.
I love my boyfriend. He is a wonderful person and the best relationship I've ever had (and I've had a lot). We are extremely similar in values and compatibility (we both have master's degrees in the same field), and I don't want to lose him. I guess I am just looking for some advice on what legalities I need to be aware of in this situation. For example, if he dies and I keep my house, since he is her guardian, could her family somehow come after me or my house? I was pretty upset and crying after our conversation, and he said we would work it out in a way where we are both comfortable. I just don't see how I could truly feel 'at home' in a place that's not really my home and where I have no legal rights, but maybe I'm being narrow-minded. I really, really want to find a way to make it work but it seems like it could be a very complicated situation. I would love any thoughts on this. Thanks!
You sound like an accomplished woman. Please do not "settle" for these circumstances. They will only get worse as Sally continues to deteriorate mentally. You have not grown to know this man under any other circumstances, so you might have some surprises when he no longer has this commitment to Sally.
Please do not waste any more of your time trying to justify this relationship. Cut your losses, and save your heart for the kind of relationship and man who is worthy of you. Best wishes.
I found a whole page of hits, but I think it's due to Google's method of picking up links. Today I searched on the same parameters and got NO hits.
What surprised me WAS that yesterday I found a post with the exact same title allegedly posted a few years ago. But the alleged source didn't have the post - just a lot of old stuff.
Sorry for not catching the typos.
I found a whole page of hits, but I think it's due to Google's method of picking up links. Today I searched on the same parameters and got not hits.
What surprised me what that yesterday I found a post with the exact same title allegedly posted a few years ago. But the alleged source didn't have the post - just a lot of old stuff.
Still, I had been wondering as well if this whole post was just fabricated to manipulate responses.
We've had trolls before. There was a doozy of one awhile back from someone doing "research" for a class. Just saying'……..
It's not my intention to be cruel, or caustic, but there are too many hidden issues involved, not the least of which is her inconsistent postion:
Title of her post:
"Boyfriend wants me to move in with him and elderly woman he cares for when we are married. Advice?" Notice she writes "when", not "if"?
In her second post she states:
"Firstly, we are definitely NOT talking about marriage!"
The title seems to present a conclusive position, that they will be married. Yet the clarification contradicts that. Given the eloquency of her posts, I don't think this is just an error. She's far too articulate to make such a mistake.
I'm sure there are also more issues at play in this relationship than have been addressed here. And there are more people who honestly need and seek help to whom attention could be given.
My question to you is this... what is he going to do, when she's no longer here? He has no work experience and he basically told you straight out that he won't work for anyone. How else will he get an income? He cannot be an employer or own his own company if he has not had work experience for the past 10 years. Because he's being so picky, how will he support himself? You.
But it doesn't set you up for much fun or security. And his two previous short-term marriages are also huge red flags for me. I agree with answry and gardenartist. I wouldn't say end the relationship, but keep your options open. He doesn't sound like a good long-term partner to me. I'm also afraid he'd look to you to be his meal ticket since he doesn't want to work for anyone else when this lady passes on.
There are people who develop caregiving psychoses - you probably know more about this than I. Maybe he's one of these - compulsive caring for this woman even though she's not a relative.
I don't recall seeing anything about how old she is.
"He then became worried that she would want to get out of thier arrangement, and he felt he needed to be at home and more involved (he used to spend the night with me but rarely does so now)."
This speaks volumes to his long term intentions. Why is he so concerned about this arrangement and losing whatever income he gets from it? Even if he hasn't practiced professionaly in 10 years, he's not alone. Think of all the women who put their careers on hold while raising children. I think there's something more to this issue of being so reliant on what for someone with a masters degree is not really a good professional choice. Apparently he doesn't plan on working after she dies, either?
The fact that he "felt he needed to be at home" also speaks volumes for his commitment to her and not to you or a potential mate. I'm beginning to think Captain is right - he has his eye on her assets.
Again, sorry to be so blunt but your second post provides more insight into the situation but to me raises more red flags. However, since you do want to stick it out, be careful and protect yourself, legally and financially.
Firstly, we are definitely NOT talking about marriage! The conversation we had was just a general 'what are your goals in life' type of conversation, and this issue came up. I would not be ready or willing to marry him or anyone else until we'd dated at least a year, maybe longer. I am very happy in my own home, I have my career, and I take care of myself. When we first started dating, I asked him probably on the third date, if he was obligated to live with this lady (who I'll call Sally) for as long as he took care of her. He told me he was not obligated to live with her, so I didn't see any red flags in the beginning. We both have masters degrees in the mental health field, and I actually have dual licenses as a mental health and substance abuse therapist - I actually have more education than he does in terms of my work experience and license. My bf used to be very big into macrobiotic cooking/eating. He was a speaker at this event 4 years ago about this topic, and he met Sally. At the time, she was very independent, lived on her own, and had been eating macrobiotically for years. For whatever reason, she felt she could trust him, and asked him to take care of her if anything happened. The initial setup was that she lived in her own apartment, and he lived in his own apartment. Her functionality declined, and they ended up deciding to buy this condo together (she paid for most of it) so he could be more available to her. He wanted his name to be on the deed, so that he would have security and could not be kicked out at a moment's notice. She is much more dependent now than she was 4 years ago. Part of the deal was that he would cook macrobiotically for her, since that is a big part of her life. I'm not sure if anyone is familiar with this, but it takes a long time to prepare macrobiotic meals. Thus, he is tied to the kitchen/home mon-thurs.
My bf has been married twice, both marriage lasted 2 years, the last marriage ended about 11 years ago.
A few months after we started dating, my bf was going over the budget with Sally and she commented that 'I don't know what's going on around here anymore'. He then became worried that she would want to get out of thier arrangement, and he felt he needed to be at home and more involved (he used to spend the night with me but rarely does so now). So now he basically feels like he needs to stay the night there and basically just be a 'presence', despite having the caregiver who lives next door. I believe he has a strong fear that if he is not very careful to make sure she sees that he is involved in her life, she may want to 'fire' him, if you will. He has no savings and has not worked in the field for 10 years, so he really doesn't have references or recent work experience. In this job market, he would probably have to start at the bottom; however, I have encouraged him to get licensed so he could do private practice. He told me that he doesn't want to work for someone else. I'm not really sure why. I know that sound weird, because he is in effect working for this lady. However, he hired the caregivers that work with her, so he is also thier boss. He would like to make money from his music (he and a friend have a small band). I believe he is constantly afraid that if she fires him, he will have no money or house (which would be true). Which is why I think he feels he must live with her in the same house. She is showing some cognitive deficits and paranoia, and has misinterpreted many comments.
He doesn't seem to enjoy the job, and sometimes says things like 'great sacrifices means great rewards'. On the other hand, he tries really hard to make her happy and says he wants her to have a good quality of life. He told me he made this committment,and he feels like he has to live with it. I think it would be very hard for him to go back on his word. He told me when we first started dating that it is very important for him to have a family, and he told me last night that our relationship was his first priority, and that we would work something out that made us both happy.
Regarding Sally's son, thier relationship is unclear to me. My bf says that she just doesn't trust her son, and apparently thier relationship has always been conflictual. Supposedly she was also difficult to live with - domineering, strict, etc. So I'm not really sure what's going on there. He lives in a different state and hasn't show much interest in visiting her or having her come visit.
My bf has never asked me to take on a caregiving role with this lady.
I agree with what everyone's said - it sounds like a nightmare to have nowhere to put my stuff and to try to walk up and down stairs with an infant or a stroller with no yard and goose poop all along the road.
At this point, I really agree with what windover said - to just see how things go, its still early, and trust that more about the situation will reveal itself, and to make choices based on more information. Well-said!
Thanks again everyone!
i think the risks should be shared mutually tho ..
i think hes either a staunch and dedicated person or a con man with his eye on the old gals money , you just have to figure out which it is.. complicated.. if he does have his eye on a reward for his services at least hes willing to work hard and earn it.. elders need care , caregivers suffer financially to provide it..
There are more complications than the caregiver next door - the son for one thing. The relationship he has with this lady is very strange, in my opinion, and overly dependent both ways.
You are not being narrow minded - you are seeing some very real problems. A woman needs to have her own home - not be in a home which is driven by the needs of another woman. I think you need to be very cautious. You are still in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. Having master's degrees in the same field does not necessarily mean compatibility. I would never agree to moving into the condo. It does not meet your needs nor would it meet the needs of any children. I do not understand why he does not see than. It is completely possible for him to have POA, cook meals 4 days a week. and live apart from this lady, All the stairs of the condo would make life very hard for you if you moved in and had children. He is not considering your needs, but rather putting the relationship with this lady, and presumably what he will get from her, ahead of you. No woman can tolerate that for long, and I don't think you will be happy if you do.