Both parents in Care Home. Mum - Alzheimer’s late stages. Dad - Vascular Dementia. 88yrs and 86yrs respectively. I am the only person to care for them as my sister passed away 23yrs ago. I am 63.
For the past few years I have bent over backwards trying to “sort” things for them and it has taken its toll on me.
Nothing pleases them about where they stay. They weren’t happy where they lived because they weren’t managing and slowly losing their independence. They weren’t happy with the sheltered housing I moved them to (a beautiful place). They wanted to move to the lovely CH after seeing it and discussing what it meant. Then they weren’t pleased after they had moved in. It’s one of the best. They continually tell me they want to go back to where they stayed originally which is 130 miles away from me!
When I visit (3 times a week) my mum doesn’t seem to know who I am though she knows my name and she can hurt me physically (eg twist my hand back on itself or nip my hand. She once clouted me across the neck). I try to do everything I can for them but it’s wearing me down. On top of that I have the staff telling me what a caring person she is always wanting to see that everyone is ok. She asks for hugs from the staff. Never keen to give me one. 😫
Try to absorb this: it's quite possible your parents won't even miss you when you don't show up. They are not the people they were when they parented you. They are completely different people. If you don't trust the care home to treat them as you wish, then maybe you can get a friend to stop in and check on them now and then, while you work this out with some help and build the rest of your life in a way that makes you content, if not happy. Three days a week is probably too much visiting for them. They don't get time to adapt to their new life.
PS: My mother was always a charmer to others but hateful to her children. It's a narcissism that won't be changed for the good by old age. Was she always this way? Seems like, if she physically hurts you, then there's a message there that you don't want to read. A counselor can help you figure that one out.
Get a job. Not one with too much stress. I always thought it would be nice to work in an antique/collectable place. Do u belong to a church? You can volunteer to help out and meet people that way. This is the time to do what you always wanted to do. Take a course. Get in touch with old friends. Facebook is great for this.
Like said, when u visit keep your distance from Mom.
I agree with everyone else.
My dad always shows appreciation of my visits but he gets paranoid episodes from time to time which I find difficult.
I just feel that I have lost my mum altogether now. 😢
I would love to get a job or take up classes and get to know people.....have some fun for a change before it is too late but ...... suffer from terrible feelings of guilt for even thinking this. 😩
Of your parents are safe, clean, fed and otherwise cared for, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You can’t be your best self if you are pining for some fun in your life. Take that first step and put a job application in somewhere. Start part-time. Have some fun!
There is no need to visit these discontented, abusive and demanding people more than once a week. You have gone above and beyond to please and satisfy them. If you visit any more often than once a week (or even less), you are deliberately punishing yourself for no reason. What needs to be sorted out for them? Are they demanding you do things that don’t really need to be done? Stop. If there is a power of attorney and they have wills, you shouldn’t need to have to sort anything out. These are people you can’t please and who do not know the meaning of gratitude.
As for a job, keep in mind your age and limitations. Not many people at our age have the wherewithal to start a new career, especially when we are stressed and burned out in the first place. I’ve been thinking about a part time job too, but the jobs I’m looking for involve lifting, which I can’t do, standing, and hours that don’t fit. Volunteering may be a better option. You definitely need some outlet other than visiting your toxic parents.
And for Heaven’s Sake, stop tolerating your mother smacking you. .
So it sounds as though the support your family can offer you is low. I would definitely concentrate on developing supportive friend relationships and finding something that provides you with a sense of purpose and satisfaction. If that is a job, excellent, but it could also be a commitment to a cause in which you believe.
You might consider a few sessions with a counselor. It might help you clarify your goals and how to reach them.