AZDesertgirl seeking change with estranged daughter as my Power of Attorney for my emotional safety/peace of mind.
Hello,
As I explained in my earlier posts, my disability is my overlapping mental health conditions: PTSD, depression and anxiety. My identified therapy triggers are: being dismissed, feeling invisible and being ignored. These have been re-activated through my estrangement with my daughter.
Yes, she agreed in her reply email to me four weeks ago, that she would still be my POA, mental, medical, and financial.
BUT—- she is cutting me off in our relationship because she is unable to help me because of her trauma. Ironically, I helped protect her when she was very vulnerable as a child, but I was obligated to do so, so that no longer matters. That’s done and paid for. I have reached out to her via email as she forbids any phone or face to face visits. She is in a sense a “Google” search query. I have asked for her for assistance setting up my wall antenna in my living room. She gave me the steps to do it myself. The irony is that I am unable to do these technology things, and she knows this.
What are your suggestions for my hiring a private fiduciary? I have limited resources, but I am not comfortable with having no one supporting me with this transition.
I also have another legal issue occurring at the same time as this. I won’t go into that.
Are there private fiduciaries with a specialty focus on mental health disabilities? Does anyone have an idea what they charge, per hour? I will be researching this further week after next.
My mental health providers are being off loaded to other agencies effective November 1, - in one week. I need to find another psychiatrist and another therapist STAT. One 50 minute weekly appointment simply isn’t enough emotional support.
If I was in a better mindset, I would attend a nearby church. Church community would be a good place to build friendships.
I am on disability and unable to get a job. I barely make it through my day, with basic self care.
I welcome your feedback about where to go from here; there’s a long way between now and when I could become incapacitated.
If my daughter doesn’t want a relationship with me, fine. I am not comfortable with her being in my life, only as a Google feature. I hear what SHE IS NOT SAYING. I have to move on.
She feels I am a burden now, since I’m vulnerable. I am both capable and intelligent ON A GOOD DAY. Sadly, adult children are estranging their parents more today, in droves. It’s becoming a phenomenon.
Thank you for your feedback.
AZDesertgirl
3 Answers
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I’d be looking at a private firm if that was me
The only reason you would need a private fiduciary NOW is if you felt no longer competent to handle your own affairs, and wished that private Fiduciary to take over all care concerns from bill-paying to investment of your assets and etc.
Your daughter has agreed to be your POA IF you become incompetent and need her to manage your affairs.
However, if you WISH to put your affairs into the hands of a private Licensed Fiduciary the easiest way to find one (unless you are in California--if you are let me know and I will give you websites) is to go to an Elder Law Attorney. Tell that person you would like the contacts for private Licensed Fiduciaries that he/she works with. Elder Law Attorneys often arrange for Fiduciaries for people without children. They deal with court cases where the courts appoint Fiduciaries to manage the estates of people without children.
As to cost. Average in California four years ago was about 90.00 an hour. The first year, what with getting all bills arranged and a lot of phone work for them can be costly. After that it amounts to little more than an hour or so a month to manage your estate. That is to discuss with the Fiduciary.
You need your mental health support. And you already recognize that faith based community may be of help for you for emotional support. Our own children are often the very worst to depend upon with emotional support and mental illness. Too much luggage, too much getting stuck in the mud of familial trauma/drama. I think she is wise to have protected herself where she cannot honestly help.
I wish you the best.
You can do small things like send a card for her birthday without attaching any judgments or guilt.
I don’t think it would be wise to call her on the phone repeatedly, visit her in person or send emotional emails.
Discuss only what is necessary at this point in time. If she should happen to call you, be careful not to bombard her with criticism.
Save your comments regarding heavy issues for your therapist. Otherwise, you may push her further away and possibly to a point of no return.
Don’t place any unfair pressure on her. Give her space and time to work through her emotions. You can do the same. Take this time apart to focus on your needs.
Work on yourself to make sure that you are in a better place emotionally before you approach healing your relationship with your daughter. Maybe at some point in time you can both attend therapy sessions together.
It sounds like you have a long, complicated history within your family. This will take time to sort through.
You need care from a professional secular licensed therapist.
I understand that you have a desire to be connected to a church. I would not discuss this with a pastor who may not have any training in this area. A pastor is trained for spiritual guidance.
Wishing you peace as you work towards healing.