My mom was admitted to the hospital for an "altered mental state." I live in another state from her and do not have POA or guardianship, thankfully. She was released for lack of a better word from the hospital 2 years ago under palliative care and then immediately refused services. She was in her own senior living apartment but has until February to move because of her behavior. The caretakers that we hired have all quit, and I don't blame them one bit. I believe she is histrionic. She would fly into a rage, drive recklessly half naked and scream from her car. She would stalk romantic interests and harasses people with non-stop calls placing demands while crying and screaming on the phone. She blew through a financial settlement too. Imagine Betty Broderick - I kid you not. The doctor called from the hospital and said that she is stable physically and where would I like her to go. He said she is soooo pleasant-I said try disagreeing with her. Plus, he is a man and my mom can mask it longer around a man because she is still boy crazy. I said she was never sound and stated some of her egregious behavior when she was younger. I was telling him that dementia and her baseline state of mind is a recipe for disaster. I then spoke to the social worker and said the state needs to take over. The social worker seemed to understand yesterday. I have heard nothing as of this morning. I truly feel as if she has taken it out of our hands. Any private place will kick her out, and she will end up in a public facilty. I can't do it anymore-no one can. Any advice ?
"I live in another state form her and do not have POA or guardianship,thankfully."
"I then spoke to the social worker and said the state needs to take over."
"I truly feel as if she has taken it out of our hands. Any private place will kick her out ,and she will end up in a public facilty."
These are conflicting statements. If the county becomes her guardian you won't have to worry about her care or where she lives and you can continue a relationship with her (or not), you just won't be her decision-maker.
I support you in your decision to not be her handler.
I encourage you to remember that this is the best that can be done for her considering who she is and the circumstances.
My advice to you is to work on having peace in your heart, without guilt, that you've done the best for her that she allowed. You aren't responsible for her happiness. For some problems there just aren't perfect solutions.
I have learned that you can love people from a distance. Thank you for your responses. I appreciate the support.
Read Liz Scheier's excellent book about her decades and decade trying to help her Mom to no avail and with the help of the City of New York and the State as well. Her own mother ended homeless. No matter what was tried by anyone at all, it ended at no avail. If anyone suggests you attempt POA or guardianship do tell them you would prefer the state take on/attempt to take on this responsibility. I am so terribly sorry, but at this point, after 80 decades of life, I know that not everything can be fixed.
Geaton777 offers the best insight I know.
Let's look at the situation from an outside point of view:
1. She did not make you her guardian or POA. So, she absolved you of any responsibility for her care. That doesn't mean you don't want to take care of her, but your guilt should be resolved. Regardless of what you do or what happens, you should be at peace. I have been there.
2. It sounds like she is showtiming. People with dementia can act normal, even charming when they want to. Then after they are back with their regular people, they revert. It is so frustrating. You wonder-"Why won't you act up in front of the doctor?"
3. I had good luck with a Geriatric Psychiatrist. You might look into geripsych hospitals in your area. I will tell you they aren't cheap, but the one we used was worth everything we paid them. Yes, you could ask your social worker to help you out, but don't count on them to work in your best interest.
One more thing:
There is no right or wrong course of action. Whatever you do, as long as you do it with a loving heart and a caring soul, it is the right thing. Do your best. The people on this board won't judge you. We have been there.
Well done!
Just a heads up, my dad would tell the hospital that I would take care of him or he had someone to help him. I had to make it clear that he didn't have help at home, regardless of what he is saying. This helped the social worker know that he would say anything to get what he wanted.
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