I deleted my previous profile, but I'm back. Some may recall, my dad passed at my parents home July 14th hours after his 2nd chemo treatment. My mom refuses to take steps to stay at her house.
She is very broken, I see it. I personally feel she has to take steps to be at her house. I've given up on asking her to stay a night or 2 there with my brother or husband and now simply suggest going home a few hours to do something. Her response is "what for!" I told her because she has too and she states, "no, not really the house is fine."
Without listing every conversation and ways I've tried to help, she is just blinded by it all and in complete fear of being alone. She has never been alone.
Anyone else have parent move in following other parents death?
I personally feel she is making this situation much more complicated than needed.
Do not get me wrong, my mom has been everything to everyone her whole life. She is loving and caring and doesn't have any bad intentions. She truly is in fear of the life ahead.
Mom is seeing counselor.
Your mother does not 'need' to horn in on YOUR life. You have two young children who need to be your primary focus in life, not a self sufficient and healthy YOUNG mother of 67. Multi generational living often affects the CHILDREN most of all, especially if/when resentment kicks in and arguments happen between the adults. The children get affected by this worst of all, I know.......I was a casualty of just such a situation myself. You yourself are very young at 41 to be saddled with a mother taking away your privacy 24/7. I am 65 years old and would NEVER think of moving in with either of my kids if my DH passed away (God forbid). That's the honest truth, too.
Grief is a terrible thing. But people move past it and on with their lives in time. Unless they are taken in by their daughter and then they don't HAVE to move on with their lives and find hobbies or join clubs or go on cruises or make friends. YOU will be her entertainment!
Get her set up in a senior Independent Living community apartment building where she can have a new life of her own. There will be plenty of widows there she can have a rapport with. When dad died, mom was 88 and living in AL; if it wasn't for that, I don't know HOW she would have survived, to be honest. She'd never done anything alone or w/o dad. But the ladies rallied around her and dragged her out of her room and down into the dining room, out to play cards, to the movies being shown in the library, to do crafts, out on the mini bus to the grocery store or wherever the bus was going, and so she went. And she got out of her own head and on with life, little by little. It wasn't even that she missed dad so much....it was that she'd never lived ALONE. And I wasn't inviting her to live with me, not after having that dreadful experience with my grandmother! No way. So AL saved everyone's life after dad died. Senior living will do the same for your mother IF you do not take her into your home. It's not out of 'meanness', it's out of forcing HER to create a new life for HERSELF.
Wishing you the best of luck.
I feel every word of what you shared 100%. You get it! That makes me feel better. I wish she felt the same. She has repeatedly asked why I can't just give her time, understanding and know that everyone griefs differently. I have told her I understand all that however that does not mean she avoids her house. I am not asking her to speed through her grief! It only prlongs the inevitable. She gets extremely sad that I am not understanding. She is an angel and does help when here but it's not the point! I want her to so badly understand that. I too see, the minute I open that door for her to live here, it's going to be permanent and I just can't go there! But I know, that is what she is waiting for.
It angers me so badly she for what I feel ... that she is complicating everything
It angers me so badly she for what I feel ... that she is complicating everything!
We did find a place and she lived twenty years independently, six years assisted in her condo with our daily support and two years memory care with my daily support and finally 35 days in skilled nursing after breaking her hip. She passed at 100 yrs and 35 days.
Close to us. Repeat it till it comes naturally to your lips.
She would have others around her, she can remain active as much as she wants but she can have her "quiet" time when she wants.
For her to move in with you is a big step.
the questions you need to ask is
Do you want to be her caregiver in the maybe near future?
Is your house able to be set up for someone that uses a walker?, a wheelchair?, is there a shower that can easily be used?, stairs?, I could go on but you get the idea.
If you do not want mom moving in then you need to set boundaries ASAP and stick to them. She may not like it but you have to adhere to boundaries you set.
This is so difficult. The marriage of previous generations seem to have a deeper bond and it's so hard if they marry young and spend a lifetime together.
This is probably the hardest thing your mother has had to do. My own humble opinion, any woman in a house alone at night is never a good idea.
Once your loved one passes, it's never the same. For safety reasons, isolation/socialization I am a firm believer in in-law apartments, senior housing, studio apartments and joining a senior citizens group.
When my grandmother moved into our family home, when you just "took people in" as was the standard in the 1970's my mother bought 2 dozen of donuts and had my grandmother start a senior citizen group. 350 people showed up in the Church hall. "Nana" nominated herself President. My mother had wisdom.
I know not everyone can do this but do you see my point. My grandmother lived on a small pension. My mother picked up on it that Nana's quality of life would be better with us. When she moved into our home she would remark, "everyday is like Christmas"!
When she first posted, before the holidays, I suggested that Mom go home during the days and pick her up for dinner and allow her to stay there. Then work into sleeping in the house on weekends. IMO is learning to be alone is part of the grieving process. It gives you the ability to cry it all out and scream when she wants to. By staying in Tulips house, she is not allowing herself to really grieve.
I don't see why Tulip needs therapy, I understand fully how she feels. Her mother needs the therapy to learn that she cannot lean on her daughter forever. That she need to move forward. Her husband died in their home, one reason why she does not want to go back. Maybe the house should be sold. It may be therapeutic to clean out the old life and start a new one.
Mom says Tulip just does not understand. Understanding is a 2 way street. Mom needs to understand, too, that her living there is causing Tulip some anxiety. Growing up I was very close to my Mom. To the point when she told me to get the whatchamacallit I knew what she was talking about. Mom had some surgery and she stayed with me for about two weeks. It was no longer how it was when I lived with her. I was now an adult used to doing things my way. I had raised 2 kids and kept a home. We didn't communicate the same way. It was more like having a visitor. Hard to discribe but I think she was just as glad to get home as I was her going.
I am 41, kids 13 and 11.
You can only change your own behaviors.
Are you seeing a therapist?
I do not recommend moving your Mom in with you. What about selling her home and moving her to independent living to be with other people, possibly new friends, if financially possible?
Although she is 67 now (same age as myself!), she may require caregiving responsibilities at some point in her life. If you do, are you prepared for this loving undertaking??
You have enough on your hands with your Own Family and hopefully a good job for your own welfare.
We all knew Dad was dying, but I was totally in denial because I had not gone through anything like it before. I also didn't really think she was moving in with me -- both of them had talked about selling the house and moving into an 55+ complex or building an in-law suite or little guest house behind my house. Then Dad got cancer and was gone w/in a year and all of a sudden (to me) Mom was like "I'm moving in with Sandola."
I couldn't say no, so she moved in and it was great in some ways - she cleaned the house everyday and had dinner ready when I got home from work, but we are so similar that we butted heads too much and she moved to a 55+ complex a few months later, saying "This is too far from town and no one comes to visit." Which was true -- I am not on anyone's way home or close by for anyone to stop over at lunch which she had gotten used to during the year Dad was sick.
I think it would have been fine if we had the in-law suite or little guest house, but we moved our daughter into the smaller third bedroom and Mom into the second bedroom and we were all on top of each other it felt like. Plus, I didn't know how to deal with her grief and neither did she. She didn't want to go to any of the grief groups or any kind of counseling. I was not aware of this AgingCare message board or AgingCare at all. I was totally clueless. My siblilngs were no help. I'm sorry I don't have much advice for you, but I know what you are going through. It is frustrating, it can make you feel sad, angry and guilty -- all of that. You are not alone.
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