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You do not need to be stuck at home as a caregiver. You do not need to be caring for him at home at all. There are many care facilities offering a variety of living options and care options. Find one that will best suit his needs, and give yourself permission to live!
He may not like that option. Explain to him that you are not able to meet his care requirements. If you feel guilty or selfish, let it go. Some people are simply not cut out to be a caregiver for their loved one. You are entitled to live your way. And you may be selfish. Or he may have been a jerk and you don't love him any more. Whatever the reasons, you are entitled to make your own life decisions and to accept the consequences that come with your choices. If your choice is to care for him at home, then accept it with no regrets!
I wouldn't stay. Divorce is for people who are no longer in love. You aren't. Get divorced. If husband is in need of care speak with family. If there is none, let APS know you are leaving and be certain that your division of finances is in place through an attorney of your choice so that they cannot access your division of the estate.
Narcissists complain and are negative about everything and were like that long before dementia became a problem. One thing that helps me is the sorting process. Is this complaint important enough for me to respond, or can I just chalk it up and get on with the rest of my responsibilities.
Wantmylife, have you learned about vascular dementia, educated yourself.
If you stay, understanding him and what he is going through may help you a little bit to have patience for him
Personally after seeing vascular and Alzheimer's, I feel like vascular demented people are harder to deal with, that's just my limited experience. They just seem much more selfish
Not saying at all that you should stay. Only you know what's best for you and what you need to do .
Actually my ex husband is a narssasist. One of the reasons I left him was because he wasn't taking care of his body at all. And I didn't want to take care of him when he aged.
I don't have much advice, but do take care of you first.
I don’t think some of these comments are being too kind to you. I used to be married to a narcissistic man. He wasn’t ill. We were married for 15 years. He wasn’t always that way, but the last few years he just started complaining about everything and everybody. There was nothing I could do right. Our kids, now grown men with families, stopped visiting him because he would criticize even our young grandkids. It’s sad. So I get it. It’s hard being married to a negative and abusive person like that, even if they are not ill. I know at your age you probably don’t want to divorce him. And as much as you don’t “like” him anymore, you may still feel sorry for him for what he has become. There is nothing wrong with being concerned for your own financial future. You should be. I suggest you definitely take the advice found here to split the assets so that your husband can get the care he will need and that you will retain enough assets to take care of yourself as well. I’m sympathetic to what you are going through. I know you loved him once. Dementia changes people quickly. I have a family member that is ill with mid-stage Dementia now as well. —-Take Care
Just to clarify, my Ex was a cruel narcissist who was not sick. If he was a loving husband and then the illness of Dementia made him turn into a cruel and narcissistic monster, I would not stay in the same house with him and subject myself to that horrible treatment daily. I would do everything possible to have him removed from the home and placed in a proper care facility and I would oversee his care.
You mentioned nothing about your husband being "narcissistic" in your last post in April when you wanted to know how people of "means" could still get Medicaid so they could leave money to loved ones.
You were advised then to see an Elder Care Attorney about splitting your assets. You'll be advised to do the same now. But any person of financial means should use his share of the wealth to live in a nice Memory Care Assisted Living facility and not share a room with anyone. Whether he's narcissistic or not, he deserves good care.
You are such a sleuth lealonnie. I never look back at previous posts, but I guess that answered my question as to why the OP is still with a man she doesn't care for or love anymore....all because of money or shall I say the love of money. Sad, just very sad.
Did you "care" for your husband before he had his stroke and diagnosis of dementia, or is it just now just since you're stuck at home with him and can't go as you please? Your answer to my question will tell a lot, because if you cared about your husband before his health issues and now don't because he is terminal, well....(I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here)perhaps it may be that you're just not cut out to be his caregiver and that is ok, as not everyone is. So then perhaps it best that you either hire in-home help for him, or have him placed in the appropriate facility, where you can get back to just being his wife and advocate and not his burned out caregiver. But if you haven't cared about him for many years even prior to his health issues, first I would ask...why in the world did you stay with him if you no longer loved him, and are you now feeling like you're stuck? You're not stuck and can file for a divorce any time you want. In fact you may be doing your husband a favor by divorcing him, as no one no matter how narcissistic they are(and just to give you a heads up, his narcissism will only get worse with his dementia)deserves to be cared for by someone that really doesn't want to be there. I'm sure your husband picks up on that every day. And to me that is sad. So I guess I will tell you to just do right by your husband and by yourself. Only you know what exactly that will look like, but bottom line you both deserve better.
People in general cope by either having help come into the home to give the caregiver breaks , and /or send the person who needs help to adult care .
The other option is placement in a facility for your husband . I see on your profile that he has had a stroke and has dementia , incontinence etc .
You are allowed to say you can’t do this in your home any longer , or at least get more help in the house . You may want to talk to an eldercare attorney regarding the financials , and options you have . This may help you decide how to get some relief .
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Why do you feel you need to cope with this?
You do not need to be stuck at home as a caregiver. You do not need to be caring for him at home at all. There are many care facilities offering a variety of living options and care options. Find one that will best suit his needs, and give yourself permission to live!
He may not like that option. Explain to him that you are not able to meet his care requirements. If you feel guilty or selfish, let it go. Some people are simply not cut out to be a caregiver for their loved one. You are entitled to live your way. And you may be selfish. Or he may have been a jerk and you don't love him any more. Whatever the reasons, you are entitled to make your own life decisions and to accept the consequences that come with your choices. If your choice is to care for him at home, then accept it with no regrets!
Divorce is for people who are no longer in love.
You aren't.
Get divorced.
If husband is in need of care speak with family. If there is none, let APS know you are leaving and be certain that your division of finances is in place through an attorney of your choice so that they cannot access your division of the estate.
See a divorce attorney today.
If you stay, understanding him and what he is going through may help you a little bit to have patience for him
Personally after seeing vascular and Alzheimer's, I feel like vascular demented people are harder to deal with, that's just my limited experience. They just seem much more selfish
Not saying at all that you should stay. Only you know what's best for you and what you need to do .
Actually my ex husband is a narssasist. One of the reasons I left him was because he wasn't taking care of his body at all. And I didn't want to take care of him when he aged.
I don't have much advice, but do take care of you first.
I used to be married to a narcissistic man. He wasn’t ill. We were married for 15 years. He wasn’t always that way, but the last few years he just started complaining about everything and everybody. There was nothing I could do right. Our kids, now grown men with families, stopped visiting him because he would criticize even our young grandkids. It’s sad.
So I get it. It’s hard being married to a negative and abusive person like that, even if they are not ill.
I know at your age you probably don’t want to divorce him. And as much as you don’t “like” him anymore, you may still feel sorry for him for what he has become.
There is nothing wrong with being concerned for your own financial future. You should be.
I suggest you definitely take the advice found here to split the assets so that your husband can get the care he will need and that you will retain enough assets to take care of yourself as well.
I’m sympathetic to what you are going through. I know you loved him once.
Dementia changes people quickly. I have a family member that is ill with mid-stage Dementia now as well.
—-Take Care
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/has-anyone-of-financial-means-out-there-been-able-to-get-a-spouse-on-medicaid-without-using-up-savin-486216.htm?orderby=recent
You were advised then to see an Elder Care Attorney about splitting your assets. You'll be advised to do the same now. But any person of financial means should use his share of the wealth to live in a nice Memory Care Assisted Living facility and not share a room with anyone. Whether he's narcissistic or not, he deserves good care.
Your answer to my question will tell a lot, because if you cared about your husband before his health issues and now don't because he is terminal, well....(I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here)perhaps it may be that you're just not cut out to be his caregiver and that is ok, as not everyone is. So then perhaps it best that you either hire in-home help for him, or have him placed in the appropriate facility, where you can get back to just being his wife and advocate and not his burned out caregiver.
But if you haven't cared about him for many years even prior to his health issues, first I would ask...why in the world did you stay with him if you no longer loved him, and are you now feeling like you're stuck?
You're not stuck and can file for a divorce any time you want. In fact you may be doing your husband a favor by divorcing him, as no one no matter how narcissistic they are(and just to give you a heads up, his narcissism will only get worse with his dementia)deserves to be cared for by someone that really doesn't want to be there. I'm sure your husband picks up on that every day. And to me that is sad.
So I guess I will tell you to just do right by your husband and by yourself. Only you know what exactly that will look like, but bottom line you both deserve better.
The other option is placement in a facility for your husband . I see on your profile that he has had a stroke and has dementia , incontinence etc .
You are allowed to say you can’t do this in your home any longer , or at least get more help in the house . You may want to talk to an eldercare attorney regarding the financials , and options you have . This may help you decide how to get some relief .