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It is so hard to deflect when the patient accuses me personally of being wrong or lying. It does no good to try to give evidence as to why I am saying what I say. If I even mention her memory she gets upset. Any suggestions?
Her ability to have a moment of reflection leading to clarity has packed up and left the building.
Therefore, my suggestion is to simply ignore her accusations and carry on. If mentioning her memory triggers her, then don't mention her memory. You are not going to convince her of anything.
When my 97 year old mother would accuse me of taking her pocketbook or shoes or whatnot, I would break down in tears trying to convince her otherwise. Then one day I backed up and took a good hard look at her and something shifted inside of me. That was the last time her accusations made me cry.
Now? When she has an outburst at me, I try to find the humor in it.
I know how you feel. I have been through hell with my husband accusing me of stealing, being an impostor and telling me to pack my bags and get out of his house. Cursed at me like a sailor and used all kinds of inappropriate language. He managed to hit me a couple of times when I let my guard down and the last one literally rattled my brain. I decided to place him in memory care and I was wracked with guilt but it’s been over a year now and I accept that he is not going to get better. He recognizes me every time I visit, which is twice a week and he’s on medication to keep his aggression under control. I am still anxious about him being aggressive w other residents or the staff, because it means they cannot care for him anymore.
None of this is easy. The hardest part is accepting what is going to happen. Yes, you will have to internalize it, and gradually it will make you physically ill. You will have heated fights that solve nothing. You will become depressed and exhausted.
I personally cannot ignore it long myself. My patience is limited. I'm already doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, dishes, organizing the medical visits, driving them everywhere...while trying to be cheerful and not wack him with a 2x4.
When the ranting starts, I change the subject. Immediately. When he refuses to shower, I tell them no breakfast or lunch until he does. When he claims I'm stealing his money, I tell him to find somewhere else to live and he wont have to worry.
Basically DO NOT try to defend yourself. I've learned to ignore it. If that doesn't work, you need to consider moving them into a care facility of some kind. Start the hunt now, to figure out the costs and places. It's taken me 2 years to get close.
Alzheimers will only get worse, not better. Ask her doctor about some anti-anxiety meds, and tell her they are vitamins. It's not your fault she has Alz, you didn't cause it. It's a hard situation to deal with and I wish you luck.
You are right it does no good to try to deflect or give evidence to prove you're not lying or doing anything wrong.
There is no reasoning with a person that has Alzheimer's/dementia. So don't. When the asinine ranting and raving nonsense about you lying, stealing, or anything else tell them once or twice that they are mistaken. Then completely ignore them. Refuse to even acknowledge a word they say if it is in any way derogatory or accusatory towards you. I did this kind of work for 25 years and now have my own homecare business. If deflecting and redirecting doesn't work, learn to ignore her nonsense. Don't validate it and don't give it any attention. When she fails to get a reaction from you she'll calm down and let it go. If not, then it may be time to seriously consider memory care placement.
Don't mention her memory because all that will do is get her all worked up. It's like playing chess with a pigeon. You can try all the strategy, logic, facts, and evidence to no avail. The pigeon is going to scatter all the chess pieces then crap on the board.
This is what you're dealing with. Ignore her. Or if you are a hired caregiver stop working for this client if she's too much to handle. If you're a family caregiver it's probably time for memory care or hired homecare staff.
Thanks so much for responding. She is my wife. When I do finally walk away (to keep my sanity) she lets go with very “harsh” language and of course I feel guilty as hell. The hardest part is to know NOTHING I say will help!
You are the only person who can now change. You will need to ignore it and grow a thick skin, or wear earbuds. Walk away or out if necessary. Return after a little while to see if they forgot what they were going on about.
I agree you will need to learn about dementia and strategies to work with those who have it. Teepa Snow has great video series on YouTube. I learned a lot.
Please don’t mention memory issues or defend yourself against someone who’s lost the ability to reason and make sound judgments. Act like you never heard the accusations at all and go on providing care. This is essential in the job you’re now doing
Since it sounds like you're the said caregiver, I would recommend that you educate yourself more about the horrible disease of dementia. And once you do you'll find out that it's a waste of time to mention her memory to a patient that has a broken brain and can't really help what they're saying or doing. If you're going to continue caring for folks with dementia, you have to learn to let things roll off your back and not take things so personal. You CANNOT reason with someone with any of the dementias and that have a broken brain, so quit trying. And you must remember that logic doesn't live here anymore.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Therefore, my suggestion is to simply ignore her accusations and carry on. If mentioning her memory triggers her, then don't mention her memory. You are not going to convince her of anything.
When my 97 year old mother would accuse me of taking her pocketbook or shoes or whatnot, I would break down in tears trying to convince her otherwise. Then one day I backed up and took a good hard look at her and something shifted inside of me. That was the last time her accusations made me cry.
Now? When she has an outburst at me, I try to find the humor in it.
Peace.
I personally cannot ignore it long myself. My patience is limited. I'm already doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, dishes, organizing the medical visits, driving them everywhere...while trying to be cheerful and not wack him with a 2x4.
When the ranting starts, I change the subject. Immediately.
When he refuses to shower, I tell them no breakfast or lunch until he does.
When he claims I'm stealing his money, I tell him to find somewhere else to live and he wont have to worry.
Basically DO NOT try to defend yourself. I've learned to ignore it. If that doesn't work, you need to consider moving them into a care facility of some kind. Start the hunt now, to figure out the costs and places. It's taken me 2 years to get close.
Alzheimers will only get worse, not better. Ask her doctor about some anti-anxiety meds, and tell her they are vitamins. It's not your fault she has Alz, you didn't cause it. It's a hard situation to deal with and I wish you luck.
I'm so sorry, I'm sure this is agony for you.
Your wife's brain is broke, you can't fix it.
You can't make her understand what her brain can't comprehend.
Just play around with different ways to respond and go with what works
Don't ask questions, she will not be able to understand, or answer and it will frustrate her .
Do not correct her, if she can't do something, there is no more being able to learn.
Find things that keep her busy, that she can do. folding towels is a good one, organizing the silverware draw. Busy work.
Best of luck, I'm so sorry for this, it's an awful deasses
There is no reasoning with a person that has Alzheimer's/dementia. So don't. When the asinine ranting and raving nonsense about you lying, stealing, or anything else tell them once or twice that they are mistaken. Then completely ignore them. Refuse to even acknowledge a word they say if it is in any way derogatory or accusatory towards you. I did this kind of work for 25 years and now have my own homecare business. If deflecting and redirecting doesn't work, learn to ignore her nonsense. Don't validate it and don't give it any attention. When she fails to get a reaction from you she'll calm down and let it go. If not, then it may be time to seriously consider memory care placement.
Don't mention her memory because all that will do is get her all worked up. It's like playing chess with a pigeon. You can try all the strategy, logic, facts, and evidence to no avail. The pigeon is going to scatter all the chess pieces then crap on the board.
This is what you're dealing with. Ignore her. Or if you are a hired caregiver stop working for this client if she's too much to handle. If you're a family caregiver it's probably time for memory care or hired homecare staff.
I agree you will need to learn about dementia and strategies to work with those who have it. Teepa Snow has great video series on YouTube. I learned a lot.
If you're going to continue caring for folks with dementia, you have to learn to let things roll off your back and not take things so personal.
You CANNOT reason with someone with any of the dementias and that have a broken brain, so quit trying.
And you must remember that logic doesn't live here anymore.