I struggle, in and out, with guilt feelings about being completely overwhelmed by my situation of providing care for my husband. I feel helpless and useless to him because I have no idea what I'm doing.
He's the dominant personality in our relationship and keeping him from being upset is my main focus. I don't always agree with the decisions he makes (i.e. insisting on being released from the hospital against medical advice), but in the interest of keeping the peace, I try not to push back.
Consequently, IMHO, his care is not what I would prefer, which makes me feel guilty that I'm not providing the level of care I think he needs. It kills me to watch him suffer!
Also, I find I have a little bit of a chip on my shoulder when it comes to others asking what they can do (not that it's happening much). Yesterday, as I stood in my knee-deep grass that I religiously have mowed every single weekend of the 2 past wet seasons, my neighbor said to let him know if he can do anything. Why can't he just see that right now, I am not capable of dragging my sorry ass outside to push the mower through the grass (we both have COVID, on top of everything else)? Why can't he just jump on his riding mower and run over the lawn for me? Do I really have to ask? He's a kind neighbor and I know he means it when he offers, but it just makes me feel...see-through.
Please don't misunderstand - I don't feel entitled at all. And I will not ask. If it were the other way around, though, I hope I would not be too blind to see an obvious need and just fill it.
Am I just a pity party on 2 legs? We have no children, minimal family and friends. He is retired, but I'm still trying to work full time.
But first, you have to get over Covid (and not give it to others). That may be a real challenge because it often causes a fatigue that's hard to shake. Good luck!
Thank you to everyone! I know that there are many details I've thus far left out and I will begin addressing those details in the replies I make. I approached everyone this way because I really didn't know the best place to really start, so I started with where we are now. So, in my replies, I hope to fill in some of the gaps on just how we got here.
Thank you again.
Maybe take the FMLA and cut back on working full-time for a while.
If you think you're not providing the level of care your husband needs, consult with his doctors to see about bringing in professional help (visiting nurses, CNA's, physical therapy, etc...)
If you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder when people ask what they can do to help, don't be surprised when they stop asking.
No one is a mind-reader either. You want to know about your neighbor and cutting your grass?
Yes. You really do have to ask.
Pick up the phone and ask him. Walk next door and remind him that he said he could help you, No one wants to overstep themselves.
You say you're not entitled but you really are. People can't spend their lives comtemplating and anticipating what your possible needs and wants may be now or in the future.
You won't "ask" for anything, but you resent it when people don't correctly guess what you need or want then proceed to get it done to your precise wishes and exact specifications.
Grow up. Put aside your pride and vanity because you're overwhelmed and need help. Call your neighbor and ask him about the grass. Call the other people who have offered too.
The next time someone asks what they can do to help, tell them something. Anything.
For example:
Your friend or neighbor comes to your house or calls and asks you what they can do to help or if you need anything. Instead having a chip on your shoulder or expecting them to read your mind like like Johnny Carson doing Karnak The Great, try responding with this:
"Why yes, (name of friend/neighbor here). It would be a tremendous help to us if you could do (name of errand or chore here) because I'm a bit overwhelmed right now. Thank-you so much for helping me out, I really appreciate it. You're a great friend/neighbor".
Try this approach. Believe me it will be a whole lot more effective then standing out in your knee-deep grass resenting your neighbor because your pride and vanity prevents you from asking for the help he's already offered.
Also, when a person does help you a little gratitude never goes amiss.
Sometimes a thank-you note or a nice tin of homemade cookie or inviting a neighbor or friend over for coffee or dinner once in a while goes a long way.
Try it sometime.
If he doesn't like it, whats he going to do, kick u out. I don't think so. Maybe its time to sell ur home and get a nice apartment. No worry about doing the lawn, no upkeep on the house. This is the way I would go if my DH could no longer do the outside work.
A lot of pride just led to a messy yard and house.
My DH couldn't handle my illness and chose to travel as much of the time as he could--he never mowed the lawn, cleaned a toilet or made a meal.
My wonderful neighbors knew this and simply stepped in. Not a LOT, just, when I truly needed them, they were there.
People WANT to help and serve and be of use. Let your neighbor mow your lawn! Use delivery service for groceries, employ a cleaning agency to help keep your home clean--whatever takes the burden off you.
I have done a TON of CG for my DH and he was never really satisfied with it. Finally one of my kids kind of reamed him out for being a really crappy patient and he took the 'dressing down' from them with humility and things did get a little better.
We don't plan to be put in these situations, and we have no way of knowing what's down the road.
But, please--do put yourself first and see what can make life better for you.
Do the best you can for DH--but live your own life.
You are not a one person pity party. I'd feel exactly the same as you do. (I obviously DID--several times.)
((Hugs))
"Consequently, IMHO, his care is not what I would prefer, which makes me feel guilty that I'm not providing the level of care I think he needs. It kills me to watch him suffer!"
You know what? It kills me to watch you suffer. You are doing the best you can in the limitations you have in this relationship where he is the dominant and you are the submissive. If he suffers due to his own stubbornness then that is on him not you.
You can't keep working full time, take care of him, cook, clean and do all the outside chores on top of that. Is husband capable of doing anything?
Can you afford to hire someone to mow the grass or take care of him a certain number of hours a day? If you intend to survive this you need to start standing up for yourself and to your husband. He doesn't get to make ALL the rules and kill you in the process. Good luck.
Asking for help should not be so hard; you seem to be engaging in some magical thinking here, where your friends and neighbors can Intuit your every need. They can't.
As for your husband "running the show", that sounds like a really bad idea if it leaves you feeling out of your depth.
Can you say "If you come home AMA, you will need to hire someone else to be your caregiver; I don't have the skills to do what you need."?
Your husband is the dominant one so you don’t push back even if you don’t agree. What’s up with that?
“Keeping the peace” never works out well.
You seem to have a problem with speaking your mind.
People often see others as they see themselves. Show your husband that you have self respect.
Forget about the pity party. Show your husband that you aren’t his doormat.
Wishing you all the best.
And it's not a moral failing to need help!
Is he taking an antidepressant for his depression? If not why not?
And not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver and that may be you, but again I'm just not clear as to why at both your young ages you're feeling like your husband is needing to be cared for(perhaps you need to further explain).
Also you say that you "will not ask" for the help that you think you need. Well that my dear is the first problem because if you don't ask how do people know that you need help and with what?
A lot of folks want to help us, but we have to be specific in exactly what we need help with and ask. People are not mind readers and most are willing to jump in when asked.
Not wanting to ask is a pride thing. We're too proud to ask. Trust me I know all about that as I too used to have an issue with asking for help. And when I realized it came down to pride I tried my best to change that and started asking for help when I needed it.
People really do want to help and bless others as it helps and blesses them as well because that's how God created us, to serve others. So put your big girl panties on, suck up your pride and start asking for help when you need it.
And remember that everything happens for a reason and perhaps this is Gods way of preparing you for the future, by making you stronger than you've ever been before and giving you the courage to stand up for your husband but more importantly yourself.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
May God bless you and keep you.