Both my parents are living w me. They live on my property in a very nice mobile home. My mom has Parkinson’s, and my dad provides most of her care. The issue is my dad. He’s a narcissist, has ADHD and is obsessive compulsive. He has little respect for boundaries. I’m a single mom so he thinks he is the “man” of the house. I come home from long days at work, and he follows me around and tells me all the things I need to do around the house. He repeats the same things day in and day out until I do whatever it is he thinks needs to be done. He is home all day and could easily do these things, but generally they are not prioritized by me as urgent. I’m tired from work, I need to care for my children and take care of my priorities, not the things he feels need to get done. He comes into my house at all hours, is disruptive and disrespectful because he feels whatever it is he feels is important, urgent or should be addressed immediately. They can be silly things like, I need to feed an animal that has already been fed or I need to fix something, or he wants to tell me for the 1 millionth time something he wants me to do that I haven’t had time to get done yet. I end up staying late at work or coming home and trying to hide out in my room to avoid him. If I’m on the phone he will stand there and wait and listen to my phone call or follow me around as I try to move to have a private phone conversation. I need help in how to set boundaries with him. I don’t want to be disrespectful; I want to connect w him. But all he does is tell me what to do or needs to be done there is never a conversation about anything other than that. It’s always a stressful encounter. Tonight, he was telling me something, I listened, gave him my feedback and since he didn’t like my feedback, he began yelling about it and getting angry because he felt I wasn’t listening to him, but it was because I didn’t see it the way he wanted me to. I was respectful and kind and just let it go. But this is starting to really weigh on me.
What would appropriate boundaries be? I’m to a point where all I can see as a boundary is please don’t talk to me! Don’t come in my house uninvited and stop constantly telling me what to do. I’m sure I’m just being triggered from my childhood experiences with growing up w him and the loss of control it must have made me feel as a child. I want to be kind. I want to be respectful. I want to connect. He makes it very difficult. I know i should “detach with love” and I am working on that. But I would like to have a conversation about the boundaries I need to feel healthier in this situation.
I also pay all the bills; they don’t help financially. I run a business. And have children at home still. I’m single. Dating is totally out of the question. I can’t imagine bringing another person into this situation.
Anyone have constructive boundaries they have told their parents that helped you feel more comfortable. I am not sure he will respect these boundaries. But I need to try something.
Simply put, I would sit him down and tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable and that he needs to back off.
If he starts yelling, tell him to leave as you will not tolerate this behavior from him anymore.
He can make a list of everything he thinks you should be doing and give it to you every Sunday, you will address the issues as you see fit. Stop doing everything he tells you to do, you are an adult and do not have to take orders from him.
When you return from work that is your time, make that clear to him. Put a lock on your door and use it, you should not have an open-door policy in the first place.
Setting boundaries is not being disrespectful. You have lost control of your life, your home is where you go to relax and unwind.
He is not your boss. As an adult you are his EQUAL, not a little child who he can order around,
You are too hung up on the being respectful to your parent thing, and because of this you are being verbally abused by a toxic man who you will never connect with.
Have you considered therapy to work through your issues about being unable to stand up for yourself and to be treated with respect? There is more involved than what is happening right now, the source goes back into your childhood.
I wish you the best!
Although I agree with the approach, it won’t work, and for sure OP has already tried that a million times.
People like OP’s dad will never stop. In addition, he has OCD: he will never, ever stop. You can’t reason someone out of their OCD obsessive rude/controlling/criticizing behavior.
Your Dad maybe under a lot of stress caring for Mom. It probably is not fun sitting with her all day long. Maybe he should find someone to watch Mom, with their money, to give him time to get way and thats not to ur house.
I would also suggest neuropsych testing for him. This sounds like "shadowing" which is often a sign of cognitive decline.
I doubt it. I think OP’s dad is more like:
“OP’s home! Yeay! I can dump all my frustrations and negative energy on her. I can suck in her positive energy and leave her depleted, as we emotional vampires do. I can get my fix, my supply, my addiction to sucking out other people’s positive energy. And my favorite! I can criticize her non-stop, watch her her mad from my harassment, which makes me feel powerful and better about my low self-esteem.
“And I can constantly interrupt OP, just making her life a bit more frustrating. She’ll keep trying to defend herself against my criticisms, but then I’ll just criticize something else. I’ll just keep harassing her, because it’s fun for me. Then I’ll criticize the way she answers, or the tone. Whatever. I’ll always find something to criticize. She’ll think that by explaining to me her views, I’ll finally understand. She doesn’t know that I already understand: I’m just trying to criticize whatever I want. In fact, most, maybe all, of my criticisms, are actually about me. I’m the one who doesn’t listen, but I’ll spin it around and say she’s the one who isn’t listening. I’m the one who isn’t cleaning things, but I’ll blame her for not cleaning. And even is she does clean, guess what I’ll do?? Yup! Criticize something else. Why? Because putting her down MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me, because that’s my personality. Now you know all the tricks I do.”
If he has keys, put hook-and-eye latches on your doors.
This sets the playing field as adult to adult. It takes a great deal of strength to do this but it does work!
When questioned why I called her by her first name, I explained that we needed to work as adults to resolve the issue. And this MUST be repeated as a reminder that we are now adults with a good set of values to resolve issues.
Remember tone of voice is extremely important! Speak to your parent as you would speak to a colleague at work - use a professional tone - not childish sheepish tone because that will give him the upper hand.
Your father provides "most of" her care. If you are 49, how old are your parents? What's the plan for when your father needs more care? What care do you provide for your mother? Do you clean their mobile home? Cook for them? Do their laundry? Drive them places?
Why don't they contribute anything financially? Why and how did this living arrangement happen?
What is their financial situation? Do you have siblings? Are you a POA/HCPOA?
GAWD !!!!! Wha a bunch of nasty people who call themselves "CAREGIVERS" !!!! The "ME- ME" generation in action !
When he goes on a "you should" rage, I suggest, you simply give him a big hug, tell him you love him, and let him know you will get X-Y-Z done when you have time. $10 says that will be enough to make it "all" go away.
As seniors age, their sense of relevancy and importance begins to fade away. They fight to stay independent and to be relevant, useful, and necessary. Loneliness is the leading cause of death among seniors. As caregivers, it is important that we take the time to listen to and acknowledge our people. As a child, it's even more important. If it occurs to him that your relationship is heading south, he may start to believe that he didn't do a good job as a parent and dig in even harder which will turn into a never-ending spiral of resistance and upset.
Here are two tips that will make your life so much happier, you will want to bake me a pie:
First, schedule some quality, alone time with your dad. Take him out for coffee, or to lunch, or someplace where Dad can be with his daughter and just talk. When you are alone, just listen, don't talk back, and for god's sake, don't argue. Acknowledge him, love him, and let him express himself. Let him feel your love, not your stress, anxiety, and upset for a change.
Next, give up that he's your "adversary" in the management of your life, and make him your partner instead. When he gives you his list of tasks and "you shoulds" (for me, whatever someone says after the words "you should" will never, ever happen), just let him know he's right (he probably is) and ask him if he can help you with that (or trade a task so you have time to do that thing instead). Make him an active partner in your life, not the intruder fighting to get in.