After the tragic death of my precious son in law, I brought my very ill and crippled daughter into my home for 3 weeks. I wanted to comfort and help her temporarily. She was at first very sweet and loving though of course sad and grieving. She surprised me by how helpless and dependent and confused she was. I helped her arrange automatic deposit for her tiny 445o a month temporary income. My son in law's life insurance paid for his very nice funeral. My daughters income to my dismay totaled only $2,000 social security + the $450 for 13 months and then only $2,000. She has a mortgage payment of $910 a month. I arranged for automatic deduction of mortgage and utilities, etc. from her checking account. I, in the meantime paid her mortgage, utilities, and groceries for 3 months. My income is only $3100 a month so I could not continue that. She began to gradually become more and more helpless and yet demanding and even very abusive. My son called uber and had her removed from my home and transported back to her own home. All her deposits and payments are automatic now. I will not allow her back into my home. However, I am concerned she cannot cope on her own. She is very bitter and angry with me.
It always surprised me that people have mortgages at 65 and older. Has your daughter checked to see if husband paid for Mortgage insurance? This would pay the balance of the mortgage off. Then the question is, can she afford to keep it up. Hopefully, she has some equity in the home and selling it she would make some profit. She could then find a 55 and up apartment. They are usually handicapped accessable. Some have activities. Common areas to meet other people. She needs to make a life for herself.
Your County Office of Aging should be able to help her with resources. Maybe even someone to help her learn to budget. Your County probably has a Disabilities Dept. She may get help there. There is help with utilities.
I am assuming you are in your mid 80s. Seem to be an independent person and can still do for yourself. But none of us knows when it will be our time. Your daughter needs to do for herself now. She can't be allowed to rely on others. We really don't help people by doing everything for them.
I had a friend who she and her hubby have passed. Nice people but they never taught their girls how to be independent. Which surprised me, because GF was a juvenile diabetic and had always had health problems. I would have thought the girls would have been taught to help more. But Mom felt she could do it all. This was OK till she turned 50 and had a massive heart attack and it was downhill from there. Well, neither girl has done all that well. The one actually lost the parents home. So she did her girls no favors. Do your daughter a favor and show her how to be independent. 😊
I am sorry that she is being angry and bitter towards you, people that don't do anything productive seem to be like that no matter what you do for them.
Just love her and pray that she starts taking responsibility for herself, that is the only way her problems will ever get solved, not by tearing you apart.
My long deceased mother was an RN and Director of Nursing for a Catholic Rehab Home for many years. My mother and stepfather were very good at teaching us the importance of personal responsibility and what our responsibilities are in life.
An abusive 65 year old child is plenty old enough to be responsible for her own behavior. No you should not put your personal safety in jeopardy by her misbehavior. Now if you feel that she is a danger to herself, perhaps you need to have her put under the supervision of a court appointed Guardian.
One of the lessons learned from my mother was our responsibility to plan for our own futures. Four years ago I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ at the age of 57. While I still had enough together mentally, with the help of Agingcare. I learned a lot of planning tips from other people that posted comments about banking, settling your legal affairs, planning for the type of funeral you may want, driving privileges.
My wife and I were beginning to put together the legal work of estate planning, medical directives, wills, DPOA, etc, about one month in to these plans, was when I received my diagnosis. We laid our legal plans to our adult children, and made sure they understood what was behind in our thinking and about how they should approach planning for their own life events.
I gave up driving privileges back in March without being told I needed to turn my license, Yes, I am dependent on help from my family, but I never put anybody in the position of being taken advantage of. They also realize they have a life of their own and the freedom to go out in to the world and stake their own claims in the world.
I also explained to my DW and children, when it is time for me to go in to MC which I believe I'm still a couple of years away from
needing, I want to be put in a place at least 100 mi from our home. I want it to be inconvenient for them to visit, so they can keep tending to their own families and that my DW can go about living her life as she wishes, as she is 8 yrs younger than me. I've also told the children, they should not interfere with mom is she decides she wants to date, or remarry. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that some of this information has been helpful.
I believe you've done all you need to for a 65 year old child.
Good Luck.
You have such a blessed attitude and spirit. You are a pleasure.
And your daughter is 65...it seems like it wouldn't be realistic for you to continue to take care of her.
I don’t know how old her husband was but can she claim his social security if it is higher than her $2000? You might check into Section 8 housing for low income seniors. Paying nearly half for her housing is a lot. Can she be in a grief support group? Maybe ther is one online during Covid? Or she needs an antidepressant too?
What is the matter with your daughter. I mean in a literal sense. Is she suffering from early dementia, or from some illness that is debilitating or a mental illness of some sort that is diagnosed and treated?
Did your precious son-in-law leave insurance?
If you mean "severely crippled" in the literal sense, then it is clear your daughter will need to live in care. Has she been completely in the care of the son in law throughout life? If so it is unusual that he would leave her unprovided for. You also mention her age. This means that you, yourself, are no longer young. You would be unable to remain her caregiver for any appreciable length of time.
I am so sorry for all this grief for you both.
So many questions here. Hope you can update a bit.
As to mentally, I think she is grieving, firstly. But it is crucial now that she have some autonomy, even if she must live in care.
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