We now live in arizona my dad's wife has schizophrenia and dementia, she had a real bad episode today I was walking outside with her to walk to the car to take her to an appointment as she's a little bit out the door she starts freaking out all of a sudden she's starts shaking and starts screaming for someone to help her because she thinks shes going to fall so I tell her let's go back in the house and once she's in the house she starts walking and talking normal again and tells my dad se almost fell and she was having anxiety then my dad gets mad at me she's done this a few times before at her psychiatrist office and her pain management doctors she's always telling lies about me to other people and all I'm trying to do is help her. I've contacted all her children and none of them want to help with her. I did hae a calm conversation with her and aske her if she would be willing to be voluntarily evaluated for mental health she said yes but wants me to take her all the way to a california hospital near where one of her daughters lives but I know i have a job and take care of my dad I can't leave for that long. I won't be able to pick her up from the hospital I'm not her POA , Gaurdian or conservator I don't live with them either. What are my options because I don't want to take legal responsibility for her as my dad's health is deteriorating fast
I had a client years ago who was married to someone with dementia. She kept making cups of coffee and leaving the stove burners on. I kept turning them off. I think I must have washed at least thirty cups and saucers that day along with keeping her from burning down the house.
She is not your responsibility. Of course you will get push back from her daughters when you make this call, but it is a much needed step. You have your hands full with your father.
If she ended up in a Hospital or better Rehab, tell the Social Worker that she cannot return home. She is a danger to you and Dad. Again, she is not related and her family wants nothing to do with her. Sadly you don't either. You gave your hands full with your Dad. Again, State needs to take over her care.
I hope you don’t live with them . If you do , move out and call APS for both of them , since your Dad is being unreasonable .
Your father can not force you to take care of his wife .
Good luck setting down some boundaries for yourself.
I've tried every other way to not have to put her in a facility I'm struggling with this decision. I would rather her go to her family so she'll be surrounded by people she loves, she's very mean to me and my dad and was very physically abusive toward him in the their marriage she slapped my niece who was only 3 at the time so many times and so hard that she flew and hit her head on the coffee table , n se slapped my other niece multiple times on her face when se was only 4 , my sister pressed charges and she went to jail for it n she was convicted of it and she was convicted of domestic violence against my dad. She is not a nice lady and she has called aps against me n told them a bunch of lies that I was abusing her and she was scared of me , thank God I had cameras up that had audio and night vision that she didn't know about so I was able to clear my name. I am also my dads kegal gaurdian so he really can't say anything about it. Since none of her children want to help I'm going to have to put her in a facility so she can get the 24 hr care that she needs. she turns the coffee pot on constantly, she turns all the burners on the stove on n she forgets she has stuff on the stove so we stopped her from using it , I can't even go to the bathroom in peace because as soon as she hears the bathroom door close she runs in the kitchen to ramsack the refrigerator n turn all the appliances on
If California is not the State u live in, I would not drive her there. Medicare goes over State lines but supplimental insurance and Medicaid don't.
Start telling her where and when things will happen. This isn’t a Burger King and she doesn’t get it her way.
If she doesn’t cooperate, call 911 the next time she has an episode.
Who is her POA?
Do you have a relationship with her family?
You are decidedly and CLEARLY not responsible for her.
Right now, as I see it, you are not so much caring for HER (though realistically you are) as you are caring for your FATHER who likely should no longer be caring for her as well.
So a real problem here.
I am not certain what future plans are for your Dad.
If he is going into care then plans must be made for HER if she cannot manage her own care. That is on him. Which means if she can go into care at the same time it's a boon. If not, you will need a social worker, perhaps Adult Protective to say she is Dad's wife, and dad was caregiving, but now dad is going into care and cannot do caregiving and she is in need. You would make it clear you do not get along with her and will not be particaping in her care once your father is placed (or has passed).
Sorry. This is exceptionally tough. You are sadly getting two-for-the-price-of-one.
File this phrase in your brain for safe keeping.
Remember it whenever you're asking yourself if you should get involved in a situation, like the one you described above.
It's wonderful you want to be helpful, but in this situation, there are way too many red flags indicating you would be blamed for anything and everything that doesn't go mentally unstable stepmom's way.
As an example, what if you agree to drive her to CA and then she claims to law enforcement you kidnapped her?
No one is forced into caregiver, some feel like they are forced through gaslighting, manipulation, in the eye of the law you are not responsible for step mom or Dad.
If something happens to Dad and he can not take care of her anymore, then call APS , tell them what's happening, they will asses her and the state will appoint a POA , and she will be there problem now.
You are in no way responsible for your step mom.
But why does she want to go to California?
When you mentioned pain management I couldn’t help but think of pain medication and the possibility that she has taken all of the meds she got locally and wants to go to California for a fresh supply.
How long has your dad been married to your step mom?