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Are you experiencing depression or acceptance... There's a question.

I don't know, but what you are definitely experiencing is a horrible time. However natural the process may be, awful things are happening to people you love and have cherished all your life, and you have reached the point where there is very little you can do to influence events. Aren't you allowed to feel wretched about it? Aren't you supposed to, even?

Whatever comforts you and your loved ones is fine. Perhaps this is a time to stop trying to understand the detail and instead just let yourself react naturally to what is going on around you. Coming to terms can wait until the storm has passed.
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Since "we" who give care to others are not God, I know how difficult this place can be. I am approaching the same thing - once again - with my old boyfriend and current partner. He looks like my Father he has aged so much in a year. I am reminded of my Dad's passing so early, and the most beautiful part of that great sadness was my presence at his side. Same with my Mother, who died at our waterfront rental at the time. I am sinking also - be grateful for the life you have built. Tell him how much you love him in private and "thank him". I did those things and although some might think they were dramatic...I do not regret it today.
Respite after...if there is one. I cannot afford one as of today. I pray for you, what a wonderful daughter and only those 'closest' can feel as they leave us here. You shall see him one day again. Have faith. God Bless you for sharing. Caregiving.org is the national alliance and caregiver.com is my local chapter. Reach out and may God be with you.
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My prayers are with you! I had a similar situation up till 2 years when mom passed! Now I am caregiver for my husband who has 2 types of dementia! I think as caregivers we do get burned out, but also depression plays a part! If you can get a away for a couple hours or a day by yourself or with your husband do it! It can get overwhelming! But ask yourself: if I don’t take care of myself, or if I get sick, who will take care of my parents!!
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I also agree with SueC1957. Since you've been so close to the situation, you are able to see it for what it is. The rest of your family can't see that yet. Step back and get some R&R as best you can and enjoy the time you have with your mom and dad. We're all going to be there someday...when our loved ones can't bounce back. Facing it with grace and love is the best thing you could do for your mom and dad. Model that realistic acceptance and love for the rest of your family. And come here to vent if you get resistance. We get it. {{{Hugs}}}
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Seconding SueC1957.

((((hugs))))
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Dear 1984,
You and your husband certainly have done more than your fair share. Just reading everything you've accomplished made me tired!

I'd call it burnout with seeing the situation for what it is thrown in.

Let's look at this realistically.
Your 80 something year old dad had a fall resulting in TBI which probably exacerbated the dementia. Now he had a stroke and is unable to walk or talk. His doctor says his prognosis is "grim". That means BAD. (I'm sorry.)

Your mom and family are in denial and being totally unrealistic. Getting him "back on his feet" isn't gonna happen. A large percentage of stroke victims never regain their mobility, sorry to say. He probably won't regain much speech either. (Strangely, stroke victims are sometimes able to say swear words.)

I would sit this one out. In fact, take a vacation or "visit your husbands' sick aunt a few states away" or rest your back from "a strain" for awhile. In other words, find a way to get out of bringing dad home. If nothing else, have his doctor meet with the family and explain his need to stay in the NH. They will accept it better from him.

You see the situation for what it is....an impossibility. It may take time for the others to come to this conclusion. Do NOT succumb to guilt. Moving him back home will "break" you. You owe your husband a healthy wife, now and in years to come.

I know you love your dad but leave his care to the professionals. Get a schedule worked out with your siblings as to who will drive mom to visit dad on different days.

You feel this way for a reason. You have accepted the situation for what it is. You'll be a smart woman listening to your feelings.

Good luck.
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Sounds as if you're past burnout, Im1984, and for good reason! If you back off now and let the others do what needs doing a lot more, your dad will probably stay where he is, and the others and your mom will learn to live with that. If you make heroic efforts to get him home; you may all very well be disappointed and heartbroken at the results... not to mention, there are lower levels of burn out you and your husband can sink to. Why don't you two do some R&R and get away from the situation for awhile, to enjoy some alone time and relax?
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I don't have words of wisdom to share but I will say good for you for stepping up to the plate. I think when you come to the realization that trying to fight the inevitable is useless you then can start to wind down and begin the process of acceptance which could definitely lead to depression.

I know once I came to realize that my Mom was never going to get better I then sadly tried to just be with her in the moment. After all, when someone is in their late eighties, early nineties what would getting better look like? My Mom knew her time was coming and once I stopped fighting the process I actually just tried to enjoy her company cause I knew soon she would be gone.

It's a sad story for so many of us Im. Keep coming back here for support. But do take time for yourself. Stepping away for a breath of fresh air always helps change your perspective a bit.
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Maybe a little of both? Accepting that this is how your father's life will probably end can be depressing. I'm sure your Mom misses your Dad and wants him home, but she may be picturing him home "recovered" as he was before the last stroke. It took my mom a while to adjust to not sharing a home with my dad. I wouldn't try to convince the rest of the family your Dad will need nursing care for the remainder of his life. It may take a little longer but that will come to the realization eventually - maybe not until they start planning how they will care for him at home so make sure "they" plan to provide that care. Maybe the family could visit Mom a little more so she won't feel so lonely while missing her husband.
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Thank you wally003 and Els1eL. Having people understand what I'm going through is so helpful. It makes me realize that I'm not alone in my worry and sadness. I agree that stepping away for a while is a good and wise idea.
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Hi IM1984,
I feel for you. You and your husband are to be commended. You have done so much for your parents and gone over and above in the process. Do you have any siblings that could share the work? I also think I understand the way you are feeling at the moment as I have periods also when I am not sure if I am depressed or experiencing burn out. Both my parents in their late 80’s suffer from late stages dementia of different sorts. Although I am retired I don’t feel that I have experienced retirement yet. I don’t know what the answer is except to try and have breaks away or holidays if that is possible. If you have other members in your family you must try and be firm and say you have done your bit and someone else needs to do their bit otherwise you will be ill.
I hope that helps you. I can’t think of any other solution to the problem. Best of luck.
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you sound like an intelligent caring daughter. It may be burn out, but at the same time it is seems more wise thinking that it wont get better. as long as he is able to stay where he is, I don't think it would be best for him(or you) to return home? and the doctor gave grim prognosis. I can understand your mother wanting him back. but for your family to be pushing it? are they going to be doing the work? since your moms not able to. I don't think its a matter of you giving up. people age, people get sick. you are just facing reality.
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